One Step Beyond
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Ethan and Alicia have just moved in together. They are happy and in love and there might even be a proposal in the offing if Ethan gets his act together. But Cal is still in love with Alicia and furious with Ethan - will he be there for the couple when it all goes wrong?
1. Chapter 1

_I'm really a not a fan of Ethan and Alicia as a couple and I strongly believed I would never write them together. But I had an idea and I can't see it working with another couple. I really hope you will give this a go even if, like me, you're not keen on the latest developments. I don't want to give anything away, but this isn't going to be a story about Alicia going back to Cal and it isn't really a love triangle story, though there is an element of it as Cal still cares for Alicia._

 _I'm afraid there is a lot of vomit in this chapter, but I've tried to be as delicate and non-descriptive as I can be._

* * *

Ethan smiled to himself as he watched Alicia sleep. The very last thing he wanted was to wake her. She looked so beautiful. She was smiling slightly, her face as smooth as porcelain; her hair tumbling in waves across her shoulders.

He reached out and picked up a few golden strands, watching as it tumbled through his fingers and fell back against her neck. Unable to help himself, he did the same again, his smile widening. A lock of hair brushed against her cheek and her face scrunched slightly in response, though she didn't awake. Ethan gently pushed the hair away and then drew his hand away and simply looked at her.

Even after all this time, it made very little sense. It amazed him that a girl as beautiful and special as Alicia could actually love him. He was sure he'd done nothing to deserve her. He was the short, weird, geeky brother, who still couldn't _really_ dance. But Alicia had chosen Ethan.

Three months later, she still hadn't tired of him. Here they were, in their new flat: no longer just boyfriend and girlfriend but actual _partners_.

Though not for long, Ethan hoped. He wanted more than that. He thought of the engagement ring his adoptive mother had given him and thought of how it would look on Alicia's slender finger. He knew she was the girl his mother had meant him to give the ring to: the girl would eventually find the courage to ask to marry him because not doing it was as much an impossibility as not loving her.

Sometimes Ethan wondered if it was all a dream, unable to believe such happiness could really be his… but he was definitely awake now and they both needed to go to work. He stroked Alicia's hair a couple of times then leaned forward to kiss her.

Her eyelids began to flicker. Ethan deepened the kiss but soon realised she wasn't responding. A moment later, she was pushing him away.

He recognised the pallor of her face immediately and made a split second decision between the bathroom and the bowl beside her bed. He opted for the bathroom (the bowl would have to be washed out, which would mean leaving her) and scooped her up in her arms, carrying her quickly out of the bedroom and placing her gently in front of the loo. He hadn't realised she'd drunk quite that much last night, but some kinds of alcohol affected Alicia more than others and she might have mixed her drinks again. She always promised herself she wouldn't, but when Alicia got tipsy, nothing else seemed to matter but the joy of the moment. Ethan tried to stop her and usually succeeded, but he couldn't stay at her side all night and sometimes she did start playfully sipping from someone else's glass, her eyes alight with mischief as she waited to see if anyone but Ethan would notice.

It was adorable at the time, but she often regretted it in the morning, if not before. Ethan did what he always did: he held her hair with one hand, rubbed her back with the other, and murmured that he loved her and it would be over soon.

Afterwards, Ethan gave her a tissue to wipe her mouth with and then cradled her against his chest for a moment, his heart aching as he felt her breath hitching as she tried not to cry. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm here. Here: have some water."

He'd put a glass in the bathroom last night, as well as another by her bed. It was standing by the bath, just close enough for Ethan to reach.

"Here you are, sweetheart. Have some of this, then we'll see if you're ready to go back to bed."

Alicia sipped the water slowly. She was sniffing slightly and she looked a bit damp around the eyes. Ethan felt quite emotional too: he hated seeing her so ill. Some people (such as Cal) said it was her own fault, but Ethan never saw it like that. Alicia knew it was a risk and it was one she chose to take, but it was difficult to judge how much was enough and how much was too much and the fact she'd got it wrong again didn't mean she didn't deserve sympathy.

Ethan pressed a soft kiss to her temple and gave her another tissue. Alicia gave a tiny smile and dabbed her eyes.

"How are you feeling now?" asked Ethan softly, knowing her head would be pounding.

"Still pretty awful," said Alicia.

Ethan kissed her forehead. "Are you ready to go back to bed?"

"I…. no!" Alicia had turned pale again.

Ethan took the glass from her and went back to holding her. He'd done it so often, the movements were mechanical, but emotionally, it was something he could never get used to. He hated the thought of how awful she must be feeling and while he was incapable of blaming her, he was more than ready to berate himself for not looking after her better. "I'm so sorry, darling. It's my fault: I . Here: wipe your mouth for me. That's right." He held her close to him again and kissed her hair. "I love you so much."

Alicia gave a hiccupping sob. "I did _that_ and you still love me?"

"Of course! You can't help it." Ethan stroked her hair. "It's fine. I'm used to it."

Alicia sniffed. "Sorry. I know it's a bit of a theme with me."

"Oh, I didn't mean-" Ethan kissed her forehead and tilted her chin upwards so he could look into her eyes. "I only meant that I'm a doctor, so it only bothers me in that I don't like to see you suffering. I promise that's all I meant. As for themes… the only themes in our relationship are 'I love you', 'you make me so happy' and 'there's nowhere else I'd rather be'."

"Not even Falmouth?" said Alicia, managing a genuine smile despite how terrible she must be feeling.

"Only if you were there," said Ethan.

* * *

Ethan sat on the bed, Alicia resting against his shoulder. Her eyes were closed and she was holding his hand so tightly, it hurt – not that he would have told her, much less stopped her. "I really don't think you should go to work today, sweetheart. I'll phone Mrs Beauchamp for you."

"Okay," whispered Alicia.

Ethan was concerned. Alicia usually put up some sort of resistance. "Actually, maybe I should stay with you. I'm not sure you should be alone if you're this ill."

Alicia's eyes opened and she turned to look up at him. "Don't be silly, Ethan! It's really sweet of you, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I just need to rest and maybe get some more sleep." She relaxed her death grip on his hand slightly and managed a small smile as she stroked her thumb across the back of his hand. "You go to work and save lives. I feel a little bit better already."

"If you're sure," said Ethan doubtfully. He put his hand on her cheek and very lightly brushed his lips over hers. "I'll go and get ready and see how you are."

He felt anxious the whole time, but Alicia's nausea had abated somewhat, though she still didn't look well. To Ethan's surprise, she'd refused the painkillers she usually gulped down, but there was little point in taking painkillers when her stomach was so unsettled.

"Okay. I'll go to work," said Ethan, though not without a pang. He hated leaving her even when she was well - they did everything they could to make sure as many of their shifts as possible coincided, but it didn't always work out. He lay down on the bed beside her and cuddled her. She wrapped one arm around his waist and buried her head in his chest and he thought for a moment that she might be afraid, though he couldn't think of any reason for it. "Alicia darling, if you want me to stay, I will stay. Don't worry about my shift. That's what locums are for – and I thoroughly approve of locums."

Alicia had been a locum when she'd returned to the ED and Ethan had finally realised how special she was.

"I'll be fine. I promise," said Alicia.

Ethan kissed her and helped her to lie down, tucking her carefully in to bed. "I hope you feel better soon, darling. If you start to feel worse or you need me for any reason, all you have to do is call. I'll keep calling you throughout the day to make sure you're okay."

"There's no need," said Alicia, capturing her hand in his. "It's nothing serious, Ethan, and I don't think I'm completely ignorant about illnesses."

"I want to," said Ethan firmly, and gave her one last kiss.

* * *

Alicia waited until the door had closed behind Ethan, then she closed her eyes, releasing her breath in a sigh. She waited a few moments to see if Ethan would return – for someone who was so incredibly well-organised at work, he did have a surprising habit of leaving things behind – then she slowly got out of bed, one hand on her churning stomach.

She went to the bathroom and pulled out a packet of sanitary towels. She rarely used them, but it had occurred to her they would make a good hiding place as there was no chance Ethan would go poking around in there. Not that he'd look in a tampon box either, but Alicia was worried he might knock it over or that it might spring open or that he might pick it up and notice something was different.

She reached into the packet and pulled out what she'd concealed there. It had been there for a couple of weeks. Alicia had told herself she'd been putting it off because it was too early for it to give a result, but really, she was afraid. She had no idea how Ethan would react. They'd discussed a lot of things, but they tended to avoid talking about the future.

But Alicia couldn't hide from the truth anymore. Ethan might think she was hungover, but Alicia knew she wasn't. The lack of a headache told her that, as well as the fact that she'd switched to soft drinks after her first two, though she'd been careful to choose something resembling an alcoholic drink.

Alicia turned the kit over and read the instructions, but she was only stalling. She knew what to do – and she had to do it. Now.


	2. Chapter 2

**westlife4ever80** , Alicia definitely needs to tell Ethan! He needs to know and he'd want to know and I agree he'd definitely be a brilliant dad. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , that's a very good guess. You'll find out in this chapter if you're right! Thank you for your review - I'm really glad you like this so far.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I don't think Ethan and Alicia are right for each other at all, but I'm trying my best to make it work for this story. I'm glad you like Alicia's hiding place for the pregnancy test. Thank you for your review - I'm so happy you like my writing and that you're enjoying this story.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. It's so lovely that you're reading this, even though your feelings about the plotline are very similar to mine. Apart from the fact it's driving the brothers apart in quite a silly way and depriving us of some really good Huntington's storylines, I don't think Ethan and Alicia are suited to each other at all.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you like this so far and again, it really is lovely that you'd read a story about a couple you don't really like. I can't read them together so I'm shocked I'm writing about them together - and enjoying it! I hope you'll continue to enjoy this.

 _Thank you to **Gingersnaps2507** for the follow and **InfinityAndOne** for the favourite._

* * *

Ethan smiled as he returned the phone to his pocket. Alicia had sounded a bit better and it did seem to be just a normal hangover. Horribly unpleasant, of course, and Ethan wished he could take it away from her, but he knew the effects would fade soon.

His thoughts drifted to happier matters and he was actually smiling as Lily walked into the staff room.

Lily smiled back. She'd been smiling much more often since her engagement.

"You look happy," said Lily.

"Do I?" said Ethan, feeling rather guilty about looking happy when his girlfriend was ill. "I was just thinking."

"About Alicia?" said Lily.

Ethan blushed slightly. "How did you guess?"

"Firstly because you seldom think of anything but Alicia and your patients and secondly because your patients would not make you smile like that."

"Oh. I didn't realise I was that bad!"

"Not bad, Ethan. Simply predictable. And you know I dislike unpredictability."

Ethan laughed. Coming from Lily, 'predictable' could only be a compliment. "I was just wondering… is it okay if I ask your advice about something?"

"Yes, of course," said Lily. "But if the advice is relating to relationships, I might not be the best person to speak to."

"Lily, you're engaged," Ethan reminded her, and watched as the happiness filled her face once more. "I think you must be doing something right. I was wondering… is it too soon to propose to Alicia?"

Lily considered the question carefully. "Archie and I have been together for a similar amount of time and we are engaged. Are sure you want to marry Alicia?"

"Oh, completely!" said Ethan at once. "It's what I've wanted from the start really, but I haven't liked to mention it."

"And do you feel confident Alicia won't find it too early?" asked Lily.

Ethan smiled self-deprecatingly. "And therein lies the problem. Very often, I know exactly what she's thinking and sometimes I think I know her better than I know myself, clichéd as it sounds. But when it comes to this…"

"You know Alicia doesn't confide in me," said Lily. "But I haven't seen her looking at any other man and she often gets a dreamy look in her eyes simply because someone has mentioned Dr Hardy."

"Really?!" said Ethan, startled.

"I am not in the habit of telling lies," said Lily. "But to answer your question, I think that it is not too early for you to ask Alicia to marry you and I feel reasonably confident of an affirmative reply."

Ethan wanted to hug her. "Thank you, Lily. That's exactly what I was hoping to hear. But there's one more thing. I don't want to upset Cal."

Lily looked sympathetic. "I can understand that, but this is _your_ future happiness, Ethan. You can't risk your happiness and Alicia's simply because it might hurt your brother. It is possible it will even help Cal: a marriage might put an end to his hopes."

Ethan doubted Cal saw marriage as being any more final than living together, but he knew Lily was rigt. "Thank you, Lily. Even if I was prepared to sacrifice my own happiness for Cal, I couldn't sacrifice Alicia's. I love her, Lily. So very much."

"Then you are doing absolutely the right thing in proposing to her," said Lily. "And I believe it would make Alicia very happy. Will you propose tonight?"

Ethan shook his head. "Not yet. I have to get everything perfect. I'll have to decide on the venue. I'll need to choose exactly the right place. I'll have to decide what I want to say and memorise it carefully so I won't forget it no matter how nervous I am. I'll need to decide what to wear and make sure I wear trousers I can kneel down in without getting them obviously dirty or creased." Another thought occurred to him. "I'll need to decide which knee I want to kneel down on too."

Lily looked doubtful. "I did like that Archie planned everything carefully for me, but perhaps Alicia would prefer a more spontaneous gesture."

"Oh, no, I couldn't!" said Ethan. "I'm absolutely terrible at being spontaneous. It's much better if I plan it – I want everything to be perfect."

"I'm sure Alicia would not object to perfection," said Lily. "I wish you good luck, Ethan. It is very lovely to be engaged – and I believe being married will be lovelier still."

* * *

Alicia stared at the pregnancy test stick. She knew it wouldn't change until three minutes had passed and it had been barely one minute, but she couldn't look away. She didn't want to. She didn't want to miss a single moment of knowing she had Ethan's child growing inside her.

She loved him so much and she knew he would be a wonderful dad. Ethan could be a bit shy and awkward when he was treating patients, but when he was with a child – or with any vulnerable patient, actually – his sweetness shone more brightly than ever. The kindness he showed; his patience in answering every question, reassuring every anxiety and offering sincere comfort - whilst always striving to be honest not mislead anyone - was so touching.

He'd done the same for her, though she didn't think he'd fully realised it. He was far too modest for that. He'd helped her to find the courage to be fully herself again; to retain the confidence and inner strength she'd gained as she'd fought to recover from what Lily had done to her, yet smooth off some of the sharp edges she'd acquired along the way.

He was a wonderful, incredible, inspiring man and Alicia wanted to spend her whole life with him.

Alicia jumped as she saw a change in the stick. Her stomach flipped and then settled. Her heart seemed to be trying to fight its way out of her chest.

And then she knew the truth.

* * *

Ethan parked his car and almost fell over in his anxiety to get out of it. He knew there were many reasons why Alicia might not have answered his calls. She might be sleeping off the last of her hangover, which had actually been Ethan's recommendation. She might have left her phone in another part of the flat and not been able to hear the ringtone. Or perhaps she'd felt warm and snuggly in her bed (Ethan usually found his bed very warm and snuggly when Alicia was in it) and hadn't wanted to get out of it to find her phone.

Even if she hadn't been able to answer the phone because she was throwing up, that didn't mean there was anything seriously wrong. It would be horrible for Alicia, but it was part of having a hangover.

Ethan unlocked the flat and went inside, freezing with horror as he heard the sound of sobs coming from the living room. Alicia was sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands. "Darling, what is it? What's wrong?" He ran to her side and caught her in his arms, holding her tightly and feeling his throat ache as her body shuddered with sobs. "What's happened?"

Alicia didn't answer for a moment or two, but then she lifted her head and looked up at him. Her lips were trembling and tears spilled from her eyes. "Ethan… I took a pregnancy test today."

"And you're not pregnant?" said Ethan. Somewhere in his mind, he was shocked that a test had been necessary, but his primary concern was that Alicia was crying and he _had_ to help her. He held her face in his hands, brushing tears away with his thumbs as he looked deeply into her eyes. "I'm so sorry, darling."

"No, no, I _am_ pregnant!" said Alicia, and he realised that although her lips still trembled, she was actually close to smiling. "At least, that's what the home kit says. I'll obviously need to get a proper test done, but they're so accurate nowadays…" Her eyes filled again. "We're going to have a baby, Ethan!"

And finally, it hit him. The whole flat seemed to tip up. Ethan seemed to be hanging in midair and he waited for the pain as he crashed to the ground, but it didn't. He knew this could be a problem. He knew he might have condemned a child to the same future he would have. But his happiness and excitement outweighed his fear. "We're having a baby?"

Alicia nodded, her gaze anxious. "Please say you want this. Please say you're as happy as I am."

"Alicia, of course I am!" Ethan stared at her for a moment in love and relief, but mostly powerful, overwhelming love. "I am so, so happy and you'll be the most wonderful mother."

Alicia's eyes filled again. She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I was so worried. I thought you might think it was too early or something."

Ethan stroked her hair. "Is that why you were crying, sweetheart?"

"I don't even know!" confessed Alicia. "I just felt so overwhelmed and emotional and the only thing I was sure of was that I wanted this baby more than anything and I didn't know what I'd do if you didn't feel the same way. I mean, I knew you'd love it and be responsible for it and be an amazing dad, but I wanted it to feel as right to you as it does to me."

"Of course it feels right," said Ethan. "It couldn't be more right. We love each other and there's no reason to wait." _And every reason not to._ "So it was morning sickness?"

Alicia nodded, her face lit up by her smile.

"So it wasn't…" Ethan felt his chest tighten with terror. "Alicia, you really shouldn't have been drinking last night."

"I only had two alcoholic drinks," said Alicia. "I switched to soft drinks after that. And of course now I know, I won't be drinking until after the birth. Perhaps not even then because I'll have something more important to do. Caring for our baby."

Ethan kissed her. "Oh, Alicia, I love you so much. I'm so proud of you."

Alicia smiled. "All I did was lie there. You did all the hard work. Or the Hardy work!"

Ethan blushed slightly. "Alicia, I was there and you did not 'just lie there'."

Alicia laughed wickedly. "I suppose I can't really argue with that. But if you've got eight minutes to prove it to me…"

"More like eighty minutes, actually," said Ethan, already slightly breathless.

Alicia kissed along his jaw. "And I bet you know how many eights there are in eighty at least as well as I do…"

"Only if you're sure you feel well enough," said Ethan, somehow managing to make his voice sound firm, but Alicia was already unbuttoning his shirt.


	3. Chapter 3

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I can see Ethan being terrified of becoming a dad, but I can't imagine him not being ecstatic! I'm really happy you think the story is lovely. It won't be a happy story all the way through, but for now, things are going well.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I love reading your reviews and it means a lot that you're reading this story, but please don't feel you have to if it's difficult for you. I'm really happy you like the story so far though. I've always thought Ethan would be a good dad, though Alicia was more motherly the first time she was in Casualty. Thank you for your review.

 **xMissWhitneyBexx** , I'm actually very upset Ethan is with Alicia and not with Lily! I always said I'd never write Ethan and Alicia together, but this story wouldn't work with Lily. Archie is Sebastian's dad. I don't like him and I think Lily could do much better, but I wanted Lily to be safely and happily engaged to a doctor so she could just be Ethan's friend without being jealous. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , one reason why I wanted Lily to be engaged was so she could be happy for Ethan and Alicia - Ethan and Alicia will both need a friend, so I didn't want any jealousy from Lily getting in the way! I also already have Cal as a jealous character and one's enough! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , that's a good point - I'm very fond of half the couple too! Though I do tend to get fond of anyone who stars in my stories, so who knows what might happen! I'm glad you liked the cheekiness. I found it a bit uncomfortable to write, but it's part of Alicia's character so it had to be in there. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **xMissWhitneyBexx** , **CasualtyFanForever81** , **niamhmcshane22** and **Tanith Panic** for the follows and favourites._

* * *

Cal looked at Ethan for a long moment. Pain shone in his eyes and a muscle worked in his jaw. For a horrible moment, Ethan thought Cal might cry and he hated himself. He'd thought so carefully about the best way to break the news.

Perhaps there was no way of doing this without hurting Cal.

"Well, I hope it's yours!" spat Cal, and walked of.

Ethan stared after him, his sympathy replaced by anger. He knew Cal's comment came entirely from jealousy, but it always incensed Ethan when Cal spoke about Alicia like that. Although Alicia had had, a number of boyfriends when she'd first arrived at the ED, that had all changed. Alicia was in love with Ethan and she didn't want anyone else.

Before he knew what he was doing, Ethan had run after Cal. "Caleb, I know we hurt you and we're both really sorry. We didn't want that to happen. But speaking about my partner in this way is completely unacceptable. You've got to let this go. It's been three months now. Alicia and I are in love and that's not going to change. We're going to be a family and we would like you to be part of our family, but unless you can get over this and accept our relationship, I really don't see how that can happent."

Cal spun to face Ethan. "Like I'd even want to be part of her family! Leave me alone, Ethan. I don't want to see you or your kid or especially not that slut."

"Don't you dare call Alicia a-"

"Is there a problem?" Connie's voice was quiet, but it cut the air like a knife.

"No. There's no problem, Mrs Beauchamp," said Ethan in a low voice.

"Dr Knight?"

Cal spoke with his eyes on the floor. "No. No problem."

"Then back to work, please," said Connie.

They got back to work.

* * *

"What? What's going on?" said Louise as Alicia took her hand and dragged her towards the staff room.

"I just want to tell you something," said Alicia, as they arrived at the staff room. To her relief, it was empty. She and Ethan wanted everyone to know, but Ethan's brother and Alicia's best friend obviously had to know before anyone else.

Louise stopped short and stared at Alicia. "You're not pregnant, are you?"

Alicia couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"You are!" shouted Louise. "You're pregnant!" She threw her arms around Alicia. "I am so, so happy for you and Ethan!"

"You're pregnant?" came a voice from the door, and Robyn came in as quickly as her own pregnancy allowed. "That's the best news ever! Who else knows?"

"The whole ED in five minutes, knowing you," said Louise.

"Well, what else can you expect when you scream it at the top of your lungs like that?" said Alicia, but she didn't really mind. She was thrilled her friends were happy for her.

She only wished she could be sure Cal would be happy.

"Sorry if I shouldn't be asking this," said Robyn, "but, um, well… you are sure it's Ethan's?"

Alicia gasped. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? If you think that's in any way an acceptable question, maybe I should be asking you if-" She realised what she was about to say and quickly stopped herself. Robyn was tactless, but asking whether Robyn's baby was Glen's would be extremely cruel.

"No, of course I don't think that!" said Robyn. "I just thought, you know, that you were with Cal before you got together with Ethan and that was, like, in the same month…"

Alicia felt her anger fading. She could see Robyn's point – and 'the same month' really was a very charitable way of putting it. "Sorry, Robyn. I'm quite hormonal at the moment. It won't be official till the dating scan, but considering the date of my last period, the onset of morning sickness and the fact I did miss a pill a couple of times when I was with Ethan, which I was always very careful _not_ to do with Cal, I would say I'm about two months pregnant. So it can't be Cal's."

Louise and Robyn squealed in unison and gave Alicia a hug.

"I'm so glad," said Robyn. "And I really didn't mean anything, honestly."

"No, it's okay," said Alicia. "I've never cheated on Ethan and I never will, but if I was three months pregnant, it would have been difficult – especially as it's almost impossible to tell brothers apart in a paternity test. You didn't say anything wrong. I'm sorry I overreacted."

Robyn smiled and gave her a hug. "You and Ethan are going to be a brilliant parents."

"Thanks," said Alicia, beaming. All she wanted was to hug Robyn now. It was happening to her a lot lately. She had moments when she literally wanted to kill Ethan (or 'perhaps not quite literally', as Ethan would say), only to find that two minutes later, she was telling Ethan she loved him more than anyone in the world.

"Does Cal know?" said Louise. "Because it's probably best if he finds out before Robyn tells everyone…"

"Cal's telling Ethan now," said Alicia. "Give me some credit for a bit of common sense! Cal as soon as possible because we know how gossip spreads in this place. Elle knows it was more than likely as I needed her to sort the shifts so I was working afternoons and evenings – I do often feel a bit queasy during the day, but it's awful in the mornings - but I haven't given her the official confirmation yet."

Louise gave Alicia a hug. "I'm honoured to be the first person you told properly, babe. Are you going to do a big announcement for the others?"

"I'd really like to," said Alicia. "Of course, we're not all on shift at the same time and some of us will be with patients, but if anything's worth making a big announcement about, it's this!"

Robyn clasped her hands in excitement. "We should celebrate! How about we go for drinks after work? We can be pregnant and teetotal together."

"I thought it would be nice to invite everyone to the pub for a drink afterwards, but I have a feeling Ethan wants to book a quiet celebratory dinner tonight," said Alicia. "Wouldn't that be just like Ethan? But maybe we could do drinks tomorrow?"

Robyn smiled. "That sounds great. You and Ethan should have your own celebration too."

"I hope Ethan's actually told Cal," said Louise. "He can be nearly as bad as Cal with avoiding difficult conversations." She nodded towards Robyn. "And if you think this one's going to keep quiet for more than about two seconds, you don't know her very well!"

* * *

Ethan walked slowly towards the exit, his head bent. He really should be starting work now, but he wasn't sure he could face it. After the euphoria of confirming Alicia's pregnancy, his conversation with Cal had not so much dropped as thrown him back down to earth.

He knew Alicia wouldn't cheat on him and she'd said she couldn't be more than two months pregnant and that as enough for him.

But Cal's words had hurt him, not so much because he'd insulted Alicia (though that had made him very angry), but because it showed that even after all this time, Cal still hadn't forgiven him.

Ethan was beginning to worry he never would.

They'd been getting on so well too. Even once Ethan had stopped trying to be more like Cal, they'd had fun together. Even on the occasions when Cal had humiliated Ethan completely, he'd done it with affection and he'd always checked Ethan was okay afterwards. He'd even encouraged Ethan to make a move on Alicia and although Ethan had always either messed up or bottled out at first, Cal hadn't stopped trying to help him… until the day he'd looked Alicia and suddenly realised his little brother did have some taste after all.

But Alicia had chosen Ethan, and Ethan couldn't really blame Cal for being hurt and angry. But three months had passed now and Cal hated him as much as ever and even though the knowledge that he and Alicia were having a baby was the most wonderful thing in the world, Ethan couldn't help fearing it was the final nail in the coffin as far as his relationship with his brother was concerned.

* * *

"So, I'll see you tomorrow then, Mummy," said Louise. "Now, you get lots of rest and take care of yourself."

"I will," said Alicia. "I think this is one time when Ethan is actually going to be quite strict with me! And he's totally right, of course."

Louise raised her eyebrows. "Mm. Strict Ethan. Sounds quite hot."

Alicia burst out laughing (even though she completely agreed) and pretended to slap Louise. "Behave, you! Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow – and don't forget we're all going out for drinks after work!"

"I hope you enjoy your dinner with Ethan," said Louise.

Alicia smiled. "Thanks. I'm sure I will." He hadn't said anything about booking it, but she knew Ethan pretty well.

Ethan appeared about five minutes after Louise left. He looked tired, but very happy to see her.

"Hey, Alicia." Ethan bent to kiss her. "You look beautiful. Are you ready to go?"

Alicia nodded, butterflies trembling in her stomach as she imagined where Ethan might take her. She slipped her hand into his us and they left the hospital together.

"I've booked a table at that restaurant you like," said Ethan, swinging their hands as they walked.

Alicia did her best to act surprised as she threw her arms around his neck. "I love you, Ethan! You're the best." She kissed him. "Come on: let's hurry home so I can choose what to wear."

Ethan's cheeks grew pink, but he was smiling. "I love you too, darling. But I haven't booked it for tonight."

"Haven't you?" said Alicia, confused. "Was it fully booked?"

Ethan looked faintly pleased with himself. "I have no idea, but I knew you'd be wanting to go out for celebratory drinks tonight, so I've booked it for tomorrow night!"

Alicia had to laugh. She had to hug him too. "I just told everyone we'd have drinks tomorrow because I thought you were going to book us something for tonight!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Alicia!" Ethan looked upset. "I should have checked with you."

Alicia kissed him. "It's fine! Nearly everyone will be in the pub anyway. So let's go to the pub now – and then I'll have lots of time to choose my outfit for tomorrow. Don't worry, Ethan. Everything's perfect."


	4. Chapter 4

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I like the fact Alicia and Robyn are both pregnant in this story. It might make Robyn feel like she's not going through it alone. Cal and Alicia don't give the impression of being that into each other, but I could be wrong about that and it's still a betrayal, which will hurt more as the guy is Ethan. Thank you for his review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. It is nice that everyone is so happy for Ethan and Alicia, though it probably hurts Cal that no-one seems to be on his side. If Cal doesn't want to support Ethan with the baby, it will only be because Ethan stole Alicia from him and the baby is like a reminder. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd help.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I love that you're questioning everything! It is still possible the baby is Cal's. I'm glad you felt the argument was in character, even though it's not something either of us likes to see! I haven't forgotten the Huntington's and it will become quite important - there's a reference in this chapter.

 **westlife4ever** , thank you for your review. It was a cruel thing for Cal to say, but he probably feels Ethan was cruel to steal his girlfriend. I'm sorry if you were offended by what Cal said about Alicia. I do think he could have said worse - though it would have been better to say nothing.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you think Cal's comment wasn't too awful. I hope there is still a kind girl underneath Alicia's brashness. Ethan would be much better off with someone kind. I'm trying to show both sides of Alicia in this story as I want her to be worthy of Ethan, but I still want her to be the girl Ethan fell in love with. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Alicia was doing her best to avoid Cal, but there wasn't a lot she could do when he pulled a cubicle curtain aside and found her there alone.

He looked at her in such horror, she knew immediately that he hadn't followed her in there, but then his expression darkened and he entered the cubicle, closing the curtain behind him.

"Hey," said Alicia. She was trying to pretend his sudden appearance hadn't frightened her, but her hands had moved protectively to her baby.

Cal took a step closer and jabbed a finger in the direction of her stomach. He spoke in a rough, grating voice. "If I find out that baby isn't Ethan's…"

"…then I'd have thought you'd be very happy," said Alicia. "Because if it's not Ethan's, it can only be yours and then I'll be in your life forever." Her heart was beating fast and it took all her concentration not to take a step backwards. She knew she mustn't let him see she was intimidated. It was something she'd learned to do after her experience with Lily and she'd thought she'd done it well, but it was different now. Her baby was in front of her and it felt so exposed.

"Happy?" said Cal scornfully. "Happy that you'd be about to tear my brother's heart to shreds?"

"Well, you'd know about that!" said Alicia. "Ignoring and blaming him for months. He hasn't said anything, but it breaks his heart, Cal. I know it does."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you slept with him!" shouted Cal.

Alicia raised her hands. "Cal, if we have to have this conversation, then fine, but we can't have it now. The patients will hear; our colleagues will hear – let's leave it for another time, okay?"

"Fine! I've finished anyway!" said Cal, but this time, he didn't sound threatening at all. He sounded like a little boy who'd been denied the one thing he wanted most.

 _And perhaps he has_ , thought Alicia, tears welling in her eyes. _He lost me and he lost his brother._

She blinked her tears away before Cal could see, but she thought he probably hadn't. Not when he was fighting back tears of his own.

"Cal…" Alicia half-held a hand out towards him. "I am sorry about what happened. I totally get why you're angry. But it's been more than three months now. Ethan and I are together and we're in love. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it isn't going to change. All you can do is accept it and I think you'll be a lot happier when you do."

Cal spun on his heel and walked out of the cubicle, tugging at the cubicle curtain so sharply, Alicia thought for a moment it would break free of the railing. She watched him walk away, then sank slowly onto the bed, her head in her hands.

She wouldn't tell Ethan about this encounter. She didn't want to worry him and she knew it would upset him. It might also lead him to confront Cal, and Alicia was sure no good could come of that.

But she was worried and she was scared too.

She didn't really think Cal would ever do anything to hurt her, Ethan or the baby, but she could see he was torturing himself.

* * *

Ethan couldn't help smiling as he looked at the toddler who sat fidgeting on his mother's lap. His older brother Harry lay moaning on the bed as David tried to persuade him that he wasn't going to take _all_ his blood and it wouldn't turn him into a vampire. The mother, relieved Harry probably wasn't nearly as seriously injured as he'd thought, caught Ethan's look and smiled back at him.

"Have you got kids?" she asked.

"Yes. Well. no. Well, kind of yes. But no." Ethan silently groaned at his own stupidity. "I'm so sorry. I-"

Her smile was understanding. "You're about to become a father, aren't you?"

Ethan nodded, a blush creeping across his face. "My partner is nearly three months pregnant. So there's quite a way to go, but naturally, it's very much on my mind."

"I can see that!" said the mother with another smile. "It's lovely to see a man who's so excited about being a father. Harry's dad was horrified when he found out I was pregnant. Took off as soon as I told him."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Ethan awkwardly.

"Oh, he came back in a couple of hours," said the mother easily. "The relationship didn't last, but he tried his best. He never was any good at seeing anyone else get more attention than him. But if he hadn't gone, I wouldn't have met Oscar's dad. So I'm grateful to him in a way." She held out the toddler towards Ethan. "You can hold Oscar if you like."

Ethan started to stammer out a polite refusal, but he was already holding out his arms to the little boy. He'd held patients' children before, but it seemed different now he was actually going to have one of his own. He settled him more comfortably in his arms and smiled down at him.

"Doctor!" said Oscar, and tried to take Ethan's glasses off.

"Yes, that's right. I'm a doctor," said Ethan, smiling. He took his glasses back, tried them on Oscar, and they started talking. It all felt so easy; so natural, but Ethan knew with his own child, it would be even better.

"All done, Dr Hardy," said David.

Ethan nodded, barely registering what David had said as he stood aside to let the nurse pass out of the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone else had entered the cubicle, but he ignored them, completely transfixed by Oscar, until he heard someone clearing their throat.

"Ethan, x-ray are ready for Harry now."

"Thanks, Noel." Ethan gave him a quick smile before returning his attention to the boys' mother. "I don't suppose… if you'd like to accompany Harry to his x-ray, I'd be delighted to look after Oscar for you."

* * *

At last, her shift was over. Despite Elle's insistence that Alicia never skipped a break and took an extra half-hour for lunch, she was always completely exhausted when it was time to go home. She slowly made her way towards the staff room, wondering how she would manage as she grew bigger.

Ethan, of course, was already talking about maternity leave, in a sweet and anxious but occasionally annoying sort of way, but Alicia hoped to work for as long as possible.

She fully intended to come back to work after the birth, but she knew a baby could change your life. Whatever your plans and priorities once were, they were no longer your primary consideration. The baby had to come first and you never knew what might happen – or how you would feel.

Even if Alicia did come back to work, it wouldn't be the same. Everything would need to be fitted in around crèche hours and babysitters. Shifts would continue to be exhausting; an unbroken night's sleep would be a thing of the past. Even once the baby was past that stage, they would be tiring Alicia out by making her chase them around the house, then later demanding help with school projects and finally worrying her half to death with their choice of boyfriend or girlfriend. Even once they were adults, it would never stop. Not completely.

So she had to get everything she could from life now because she would never get the moment back.

Ethan had taught her that…

Alicia frowned slightly and pushed the thought away. She always tried not to think about that and mostly succeeded, but occasionally, it crept into her mind unbidden. She entered the staff room and looked around, but Ethan wasn't there yet. Louise was, however, and she at once told Alicia to sit down and she'd get her a cup of tea.

"No offence, babe, but you look half-dead!"

"None taken, babe, because in that case, I look twice as good as I feel!" said Alicia.

Louise walked her over to the sofa and sat her down. "There: you sit there and I'll sort out your tea for you and then I'll have to head off, but I'm sure Ethan won't be long."

"He'll probably show up as soon as I've started my tea!" said Alicia.

"That's okay: I'm sure Ethan won't mind waiting till you've finished," said Louise, sounding just like she was speaking to a patient.

Alicia smiled, knowing Louise was right, and leaned back against the sofa to wait for Ethan.

* * *

Half an hour later, Alicia tried calling Ethan for the third time. Again, it went straight to voicemail. Annoyed with him, she picked up a cushion and threw it across the room in a hormonal rage, but five minutes later, she was starting to feel very worried.

She tried Ethan's phone again, then headed for Elle's office, only to meet the acting clinical lead on the way. "Alicia, there you are. I was just coming to find you. Ethan's been held up so he asked me to give you a lift home."

"Thanks, Elle, but there's no need," said Alicia, trying to hide her disappointment. "I can get a taxi."

"No: you can't be getting a taxi in your condition," said Elle, which was ridiculous, of course, but Alicia didn't often get the chance for a proper chat with the clinical lead so she laughed and agreed.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Alicia was home. She hugged Elle goodbye before preparing herself to face an empty flat.

It only took her a moment to realise the flat wasn't empty.

It was almost in darkness, but a soft pink light which presumably came from the living room was reflected on the hall floor. Music was playing: one of Alicia's favourite songs. Alicia walked slowly towards the living room and stopped in the doorway, a soft gasp escaping her lips.

The room was pink. Paper was wrapped around the lightbulb, softening the harshness of the light as well as creating the soft pink glow she'd seen from the hall. Pink candles stood in a line on the centre of the table, with pink tinsel around the edges and laid across the tops of the chairs. Two plates and two glasses awaited them on the table and judging from the smell emanating from the kitchen, something delicious would be coming her way very soon.

But it wasn't the food she was thinking about now. Or the lighting or the music.

Ethan walked towards her. He was dressed in a suit and smiling. He'd taken his glasses off, still labouring under the misapprehension that he looked better without them. Alicia had told him he looked equally gorgeous either way, and she'd actually prefer him to keep his glasses on so he'd be less likely to trip over and hurt himself, but Ethan still insisted on taking them off.

Alicia watched as Ethan lowered himself to one knee. He brought his hands out from behind his back and there was a small box in his hand. A box containing a ring.

"Alicia, will you marry me?" said Ethan.


	5. Chapter 5

**Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you liked the proposal - I've written so many Ethan-proposals, I'm running out of ideas! I can't speak for every mother, but it can be very daunting, thinking about what a big commitment is and how much your life is going to change. I'm glad you liked angry Cal! He is lovely, but he does get caught up in his emotions sometimes. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , there's always a possibility Alicia will break Ethan's heart - she's already broken Cal's, after all. That's a really good point - although Cal shouldn't have intimidated Alicia like that, he was doing it for a good reason: he wants to protect his brother. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I have to agree that not many people would say no to that proposal! I expect Cal sees himself as being the romantic brother, but although Ethan is shy, he is very caring and thoughtful and likes to get things right. I'm so relieved you weren't offended. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I can imagine Ethan wanting to get married before the baby was born, but he's been wanting to ask her for a while, so the baby gave him the extra push to be brave and go for it! It will be difficult for all three of them to be happy as things stand. I'm so glad you still like the story and I'm very happy and proud you like it better than the Casualty storyline!

* * *

Ethan only really saw his brother at work now. He didn't even go to the pub that often and when he did, he usually left not long after Ethan's entrance. He resisted all Ethan's attempts at arranging dinner or a boys' night in (Ethan would have sat through any rubbish if it meant he could spend some time with Cal) and when Ethan visited the flat, Cal refused to let him in.

Ethan still had a key to the flat so he could have walked in at any time, but it was Cal's flat now, so that would be an invasion of privacy.

All the same, if Cal didn't stop avoiding him soon, Ethan might have no choice in the matter.

He and Alicia had been engaged for almost a week, but it remained their secret because Ethan hadn't been able to tell Cal yet. Alicia wore Ethan's mother's engagement ring when they were alone at home but was always very careful to take it off before leaving the house or when they expected visitors.

Alicia said Ethan needed to be more decisive and _make_ Cal listen. Ethan wasn't sure he'd be very good at that, but he promised to do his best. The next time he saw his brother at work, he quickly stepped into his path and spoke in as firm a voice as he could manage. "Cal, this has got to stop. I need to talk to you."

"I'm busy," said Cal, dodging easily around Ethan. "There are lives at stake here, Ethan. I don't have time to chat."

"Cal, for goodness' sake! I'm trying to make things easier for you!" Ethan snapped in frustration. "I know it's going to hurt you, but I thought it would be a lot easier finding out from me than from the grapevine."

Cal stopped suddenly, his black shoes squeaking on the hard floor. Slowly, he turned to face Ethan. "Find what out?!

Ethan moved closer to Cal. Despite his annoyance, he wanted to be near to his brother. Although he would be the cause of Cal's hurt yet again, he wanted to be able to offer comfort.

Not that Cal was likely to accept it and Ethan wouldn't blame him if he didn't, but the urge to protect Cal was as strong as ever.

"Cal," said Ethan, a slight tremor coming into his voice as he spoke his brother's name, "I've asked Alicia to marry me and she said yes."

Cal froze. Then his mouth dropped slowly open. Hurt filled his eyes and his jaw moved as though he was trying to speak, but no sound came out.

"I'm sorry," said Ethan helplessly – and he really was genuinely sorry for the pain and heartbreak he'd caused his brother.

But he couldn't regret the engagement. He could never do that.

Cal turned and headed down the corridor without a word.

"Cal-" Ethan started to go after him, but Cal lifted his hand in a stop gesture without turning round. Ethan stopped and watched his brother, feeling worse than ever as he saw the slump of Cal's shoulders and the way his feet dragged along the floor.

But there was nothing he could do to change any of this. Nothing at all.

* * *

Alicia could tell Ethan was upset. For one thing, he was so lost in thought, he hadn't even realised she'd entered the staff room. She walked over to him and sat beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. Are you okay?"

Ethan looked up, but he couldn't manage a smile. "I told Cal."

"Well done," said Alicia. "I know that can't have been easy."

She had been rather annoyed it was taking him so long, but that faded away when she saw how much it had hurt him. She put her arm around him and felt him leaning towards her slightly, though he made no effort to hug her in return as he normally would.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" asked Alicia.

"There's not much to tell really." Ethan's voice was soft and hopeless. "I told him. He walked away without saying anything."

Alicia reached for his hand. "It was a bit much to expect that he'd take it well."

Ethan sighed. "I know, but I hoped, you know? I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. If you really want something to happen, more than anything else in the world, it's hard not to get your hopes up sometimes."

Alicia withdrew slightly. "More than anything else in the world?"

"Well, not more than marrying you, obviously," said Ethan. "Not more than having our baby. But probably more than anything else." He turned to face Alicia and there were tears in his eyes.

"Ethan…" Alicia felt an answering stab of pain. "Don't cry, babe. It'll be okay. I'm sure it'll be okay."

"Alicia, I know he's a complete and total idiot sometimes, but he's my brother – and when it's mattered most, he's really been there for me," said Ethan unsteadily. "He gets it wrong sometimes – well, most of the time – but all he was usually trying to do was protect me. He saved my life when no-one else could have done it. He really tried to do everything he could to support me when I found out I had… you know." Ethan dragged his hand across his eyes. "I love you, Alicia, and nothing will ever change that. I'm so happy I'm going to marry you. But I don't want to lose my brother."

* * *

Alicia waited until Ethan had gone into Resus, then she turned and walked back towards cubicles. She hated seeing Ethan so upset and she couldn't help thinking a lot of the problem was her fault.

She could have handled the situation better. She could have stayed away from Cal. It was Ethan she'd liked all along; Cal had just been the next thing and no-one deserved to be the next best thing. Or she could have broken up with Cal after Ethan's declaration of love and then let a suitable interval elapse before getting together with his brother.

But that wasn't what she'd done and the result was she'd really hurt Cal.

"Ow!"

 _And now I've hurt someone else_ , Alicia thought ruefully. "I'm sorry, Lily. I was daydreaming."

"As is only natural when you're in love, but please watch where you're going in future," said Lily. "You are here to work, Dr Munroe, not to dream."

Alicia would normally have made some kind of retort – she never tolerated comments like that from Lily now – but she couldn't quite find the energy so she just nodded and started walking again.

"Dr Munroe. Alicia. Is there something wrong?" said Lily.

 _Nothing for you to concern yourself with_ , thought Alicia, but she couldn't bring herself to say that either. "Ethan and I are engaged," she said softly.

She'd looked forward so much to telling everyone, but the words had lost their excitement now.

"You don't seem very happy about it," commented Lily.

"I was happy," said Alicia sadly. "I was more happy than I can put into words. But Ethan told Cal today. Cal didn't react well and now Ethan's upset and I don't know what to do."

Lily spoke with surprising gentleness. "Marry him, Alicia."

"But…"

"It's what you and Ethan want," said Lily. "Do you think, if you do not marry Ethan, that Cal will be happier? He still couldn't be with you; I am assuming you would not be willing to marry Cal instead."

"No, of course not!" said Alicia. She paused. "I do like Cal, but he's… not Ethan."

"Exactly: he's not Ethan so you can't be with him," said Lily. "If you marry Ethan, perhaps Cal will be unhappy. But if you don't marry Ethan, you won't save Cal from heartbreak and there will be three hearts broken instead of one. I don't see what anyone gains."

Alicia sighed. "I know you're right. But I do feel awful about hurting Cal."

"It's not your fault Cal hasn't got over you," said Lily. "But if you called off the wedding and broke Ethan's heart, that would be your fault."

Alicia couldn't argue with that. "But what do I do about Cal?" she asked, desperate enough even to take Lily's advice.

"Nothing. He is not your responsibility," said Lily. "Focus on yourself and Ethan. Don't forget Ethan will be very upset too."

"Yeah, thanks, Lily," said Alicia sarcastically. "You know, that really hadn't occurred to me."

"You asked for my advice," Lily reminded her and walked off.

Alicia felt a bit guilty. Quickly, she went after Lily. "Thanks for trying to help, Lily. It was nice of you."

Lily acknowledged her thanks with a nod. "I am sorry I did not succeed."

"Actually, you did. I think you're right: Ethan and I need to get on with our lives and not worry about Cal. Thank you."

* * *

Alicia didn't get another chance to talk to Ethan while they were at work, but it wasn't really a work conversation. For once, Alicia walked back to the car without even the smallest mention of the pub. It wasn't as though she could drink and Ethan was much more important.

"How are you doing?" Alicia asked softly when they finally got home.

Ethan sighed. "Never better," he said.

"You're going to have to do better than that if you want to fool me."

Ethan pushed his hand through his hair. "I just feel so bad about Cal."

Alicia gently took his hands in hers. "Ethan, I talked to Lily today."

Ethan closed his eyes. "I wish you two could get on better. You're my fiancée and Lily's my best friend."

"Ethan, she bullied me out of my job!" snapped Alicia, but she relented when the strain on Ethan's face increased. "Actually, we were quite civil today. She said we can't change Cal's feelings. Even if we broke up, it wouldn't make Cal happy because I could never go back to him."

"You… thought about breaking up then?" Ethan's voice shook.

"No. I could never think about that," said Alicia. "I'm just saying all we can really do is focus on us. And tomorrow, I think we should go back to work, make the announcement and invite everyone to our engagement party."


	6. Chapter 6

_I hope the next few chapters aren't too unrealistic. I have the story mostly planned, but I did some extra research and found out the story couldn't happen exactly as I'd planned it - I either had to change it a lot or write it so Ethan, Alicia and perhaps Lily didn't know all the facts. I've gone with the second one as it's not probably not something a doctor in emergency medicine would need to know._

 **Tanith Panic** , I think it's probably a bit of both for Cal. Along with a bit of hurt pride and humiliation. I think there will always be the odd prickly moment between Alicia and Lily even if they do become friends - they can both be quite snappy! Alicia might need an ally soon. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , the scene could probably have got quite nasty if Cal hadn't walked away! But that is one of the things he does best. It's usually Ethan who starts the fights! It must be horrible for Ethan - he has so much to celebrate, but he can't be completely happy if his brother seems to hate him. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I wouldn't mind seeing Cal in his big boy pants! I don't think it's even as though Cal was that into Alicia - they seemed more like mates a lot of the time, though I suppose he's lost his friend with benefits and Cal always likes his benefits.

 _Thank you to **earthling1970** for the follow._

* * *

"Okay, we've absolutely, 100% got to have karaoke," said Alicia. "I refuse even to consider an engagement party that doesn't have karaoke."

Ethan groaned. He really wasn't a fan, but it was a small thing to agree to if it made Alicia happy.

"Oh, come on! Don't you want to hear me sing?" said Alicia.

"Oh, um, yes," said Ethan.

Alicia pouted slightly. "You never complain when I sing in the shower."

Ethan blushed and thought: _That's because you're usually doing all kinds of interesting things to distract me._ But even now they were engaged, he felt a bit embarrassed about saying that out loud.

A naughty look came into Alicia's eyes. "Maybe we should have a shower now. I feel very… dirty."

"Um, don't you think we should plan the engagement party first?" said Ethan. He knew he was absolutely crazy to turn down an invitation like that, but he knew he'd enjoy it even more if he wasn't worrying about when they were going to get around to planning the party.

"You are weird, Ethan Hardy," said Alicia. "It's a good thing I love you or we'd be so over after that comment! Okay: should we have the party here or in the pub?"

"Here," said Ethan at once. "Then you'll be able to go and lie down if you need to."

Alicia's eyes went very wide. "I really don't think we should be doing _that_ in the middle of the party, Ethan!"

Ethan looked horrified. "Oh, I didn't mean… I'm so sorry." He looked at Alicia again. "You're teasing me, aren't you? Sorry. For not realising."

"I love you," said Alicia, and gave him a big hug. "So we're having the party here. Guest list?"

"The whole ED," said Ethan.

"Including Cal?"

"He won't come," said Ethan, "and he's really not going to enjoy getting the invitation, but how can we possibly leave him out?"

"We could forget about doing invites and put a notice up in the staff room," said Alicia. "Then everyone who wants to come can let us know."

Ethan shook his head doubtfully. "It seems rather a lazy way of doing things. And that could hurt Cal even more. If he gets an invitation in the post, he'll be alone when he gets it and he can shove it straight in the bin and never look at it again." His voice quivered slightly at the thought. "If it's in the staff room, he'll have to look at it every time he comes in." _If he comes in._

"You're right," said Alicia, much to his relief. "We'll do invites then."

"And what about food?" said Ethan. "Should we have a proper sit-down meal or do you just want to do nibbles?"

Alicia's eyes sparkled. "Doing Nibbles sounds good to me! Though I don't know what our guests would think of that."

"Oh gosh. I didn't mean…" Ethan stopped.

He knew that Alicia knew _exactly_ what he didn't mean.

* * *

Ethan couldn't sleep and for once it wasn't anything to do with Alicia.

Two problems were racing about in his mind.

One had been there for a year now, though Ethan preferred to squash it down whenever it threatened to fill his thoughts. There was nothing he could do about that problem, much as he wished he could. He usually managed to keep it at bay during daylight hours, but when he lay in bed at night after Alicia had fallen asleep, the problem rose up and threatened to consume him.

He had Huntington's and so might his baby.

The other problem was more recent and technically soluble, but it hurt Ethan almost as much.

Cal hadn't been to work for a week.

Of course, Cal was perfectly entitled to take time off if he wanted to, but Ethan knew it had been a sudden decision; not something he'd booked in advance. At last, in despair over Cal's refusal to answer his calls and texts, Ethan had asked Elle if she knew where his brother was. Elle had looked surprised he didn't know, then sympathetic, before explaining Cal had asked for some time off to clear his head.

"How much time?" Ethan had asked as fear knotted inside him.

"As long as it takes," answered Elle. "It's a tough job, Ethan. Sometimes you just need a break."

Ethan wasn't arguing. He'd needed breaks himself on occasion. But he knew this was nothing to do with the job. Cal had pulled his usual trick of running away from the things he didn't like. On this occasion, Ethan wasn't annoyed with him, but he was also terrified.

Terrified Cal would never come back.

* * *

Alicia rubbed Ethan's back and gently kissed his sad, drooping mouth. "Maybe this is for the best."

"How can it be for the best?" said Ethan. "I'm celebrating my engagement tonight and my brother isn't here."

"But he wouldn't have had a good time," said Alicia. "If he was here, you'd know he was miserable, but as he's not here, there is a chance he's happy."

"But what if he's not?" said Ethan helplessly. "What if he's sitting in some hotel all alone, wishing he could be here?"

"Then that's not your fault, is it?" said Alicia. "We're not stopping him from coming back. If he wants to be here, all he needs to do is walk through that door."

Ethan's brown eyes were tortured. "Sometimes even a simple act like walking into a room can be utterly impossible."

"Not if you've got the use of your legs," argued Alicia.

Ethan put his head in his hands.

Alicia thought guiltily that her reply had been a bit flippant. Just because Cal was being a twit, that didn't mean Alicia had to be one too. This was _Ethan_ , after all. She didn't need to protect herself from him.

She gently took his hands away from his face and held them in her warmer ones. "He'll come back, Ethan. He always does. He'll realise I'm nothing special and then he'll be fine."

"But you're the most special person in the world!" said Ethan emotionally. "And I'm never going to stop realising that. What if Cal doesn't either?"

"He will." said Alicia, holding him close to her. "Of course he will. Just try to keep positive, okay? He'll get over this."

* * *

Ethan tried to console himself with the thought that at least Alicia was enjoying herself. She moved from person to person, laughing and joking with each of them. She looked natural and at ease and it was one of the reasons why Ethan loved her, but it hurt him a bit tonight.

It was different for Alicia, of course. She hadn't said so, but as the object of Cal's affections, she would find it extremely awkward if Cal was here. Cal wouldn't make any effort to pretend he was having a good time and that would make Alicia feel upset and guilty. Ethan was glad she was spared that.

But that didn't change the fact he missed his brother very much.

"Ethan." Lily came over to him, Archie at her side. Ethan had been very worried by the look on Alicia's face when he'd talked about inviting Lily, but to his relief, she hadn't argued.

He did have a feeling Lily and Archie were the only guests Alicia hadn't talked to, but he told himself he was wrong. Alicia was too good a hostess to leave anybody out – and it wasn't as though Ethan was being much use in that regard. "Hey, Lily. Hello, Dr Grayling. Thank you for coming."

"I think we can make it 'Archie' outside the hospital, Ethan," said Archie. "And congratulations on your engagement. Dr Munroe is a very… confident doctor."

"Thank you… Archie," said Ethan shyly.

Lily touched Archie's arm and gave him a look that clearly meant something.

He nodded and kissed Lily lightly on the lips. "If you'll excuse me, Lily and Ethan, I must go and congratulate Dr Munroe. Her name is 'Alissia', isn't it?"

"'Aleesha'," said Lily, smiling at him affectionately. "As I have told you many times! You're excused, Archie. I'd like to talk to Ethan anyway." Once he'd gone, Lily turned back to Ethan. "How is the baby?"

Ethan smiled. "Very well. Alicia isn't showing yet, but maybe in another month. I'm so proud!"

"You must be going for your scans soon," said Lily.

"Yes, we are – it's in a couple of weeks," said Ethan, smiling broadly. "We're both so excited. I can't wait to see my baby for the first time. I feel quite emotional even thinking about it: I'll probably embarrass Alicia completely at the scan itself!"

Lily looked at him thoughtfully. "You're just having one scan?"

Ethan was confused. "We only need one at the moment, don't we? The dating scan?"

"There is also the abnormality scan," said Lily. "And a scan for genetic disorders."

Ethan tensed. "We haven't discussed it. I'm sure we'll make a decision about that when the time comes."

"I wouldn't have thought there was a decision to make," said Lily. "The results might be very important."

"To Alicia and me, yes," said Ethan, breathing hard. "I wouldn't have said it was any of your concern."

Lily lowered her eyes. "I am sorry, Ethan. It was not my intention to pry. I meant only to offer my support."

"All scans are optional," said Ethan, his voice scratchy. "Even the dating scan. And any kind of genetic test is more likely to be accurate after the birth."

"I can understand your point of view," said Lily. "But… isn't it better to be prepared, Ethan? Isn't it better to know from the start? You know what a shock it will be for your child, but you and Alicia will be better able to support them if you know already; if you've come to terms with the idea."

Ethan felt tears stinging his eyes. "Do you really think it's something you can come to terms with, Lily? It's bad enough when it's me. To know I've done that to-"

"No. This is not your fault!" Lily's voice remained quiet, but with an edge. "It is not your fault, Ethan. Have you discussed this with Alicia?"

"No," whispered Ethan. Alicia was so happy about the pregnancy. He didn't want to remind her of anything bad. "I mean, she does know…"

"I think you need to talk to her," said Lily gently. "Even if you decide against the test, it's a decision you need to make together. I know it will not be easy, but you know how bad the first shock of discovery is. It might be better if you, Alicia and your child are not experiencing that moment at the same time."


	7. Chapter 7

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I think Ethan would be really uncomfortable with doing karaoke, but Alicia could probably talk him into anything! She'd be belting out the song and Ethan would mumble the words and try to hide behind her. I agree it would devastate them to lose the baby. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you can see both Lily's and Ethan's points of view and that you find it believable for Ethan to pretend it isn't happening. I agree that Ethan would feel guilty - he wouldn't be able to help it. I'm afraid that my idea was that Cal was getting drunk and sleeping with random women, but maybe I can think of something more interesting than that.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you feel there's humour - I can't promise it will go all the way through the story though. As you're worried about Cal too, I really will have to think about what he's doing! But I won't have to decide quite yet as Cal won't be telling Ethan anytime soon. I don't like Lily and Archie together either, but I had to take Lily out of the romantic equation somehow and Archie seemed like the only option. I'm glad they're working as a pairing. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I agree that Lily meant well - Ethan is her friend and she cares and she wants to be sure he hasn't got caught up in his romantic dreams and lost sight of reality, but either Ethan was going to block out hat she said or become worried and upset about it. At least he knows she's there for him! Thank you for your review.

* * *

"My baby," said Ethan in disbelief as he stared at the monitor. He felt tears falling. "That's my baby!"

"Our baby," said Alicia. She sounded emotional too. She gripped Ethan's hand more tightly.

"Yes, our baby." Ethan reached up a hand to remove his glasses, but he realised he wouldn't be able to see the scanner without them. "It's so beautiful, Alicia. Just like you."

"Well… I wouldn't say it looks that much like me," said Alicia with a shaky laugh.

"But just as beautiful as you," said Ethan, sniffing.

Alicia gazed at the screen. "More beautiful than me. And so perfect."

"And _ours_." Ethan felt more tears running down his cheeks and was grateful when the midwife, Joanna, put a tissue into his hand. He wiped his face as much as he could without taking his glasses off. "I'm so sorry. I just never thought…"

"That it would look so beautiful?" whispered Alicia tearfully

"So beautiful… so perfect… so, so _everything_ ," sniffed Ethan.

* * *

Ethan held the print-out in his hand and kept looking down at it as Joanna spoke to them. He wasn't actually being inattentive, but… more happy tears flooded Ethan's eyes and he blinked them away before turning to the midwife once more.

The dating scan had revealed that Alicia was twelve weeks pregnant. That wasn't necessarily the actual date of conception, but if there had been any doubt remaining in Ethan's mind that the baby was his, that was now gone. The baby had been conceived a month after Cal and Alicia had ended their relationship.

"…and that would take place at around 18-20 weeks, if you're interested."

The anomaly scan…

It wouldn't tell them if their baby had Huntington's, but anxiety tightened Ethan's chest all the same.

"No, we're not interested," said Alicia quickly. Almost too quickly.

Ethan's mouth was dry. "Would you also…" He had to stop and clear his throat. "Would you also test for genetic disorders?"

"The anomaly scan checks for physical disorders, as I said, but we can also scan for genetic disorders, if there's a reason for it." Joanna looked at him sympathetically. "Is there a reason?"

"No," said Alicia.

Ethan looked at her in surprise. "But… there is a reason, Alicia."

"No, there isn't." Alicia's voice had tightened. "We don't need to know, Ethan. I don't want to know!"

"But if we know in advance, then we can be more prepared," said Ethan. "We can work out what to tell our child and when."

Alicia shook her head. There was agitation on her face. "There's no need, Ethan. The chances of it happening are so small. I don't want to put my baby through a scan it doesn't need."

Ethan gasped and reached for hand. She didn't pull away, but it sat, limp and cold, in his. "Alicia, you do know the statistics, don't you?" They hadn't discussed it. Although they'd talked about Ethan's condition not long after getting together, they hadn't talked about having children together. Why would they? It was too early in the relationship.

But Alicia was a doctor. She would know the odds.

"There's a 50% chance of me passing on the condition to our child." The words were dragged painfully from Ethan's throat.

"Can we not talk about this now, please?" said Alicia agitatedly. There were tears in her eyes. "This should be a happy day, Ethan."

Ethan felt close to crying too. "It is a happy day, Alicia. Whatever happens; whatever the result of the test, our baby is growing inside you and he or she is going to be the best baby in the world. That will always be something to celebrate."

"But there's a 50% chance you might have given our baby a death sentence!" burst out Alicia.

Ethan recoiled as though she'd hit him. It felt as though she had. He began to tremble and it was all he could do to hold back his tears.

Was that really how Alicia saw it? He had thought of it that way himself at one time. At times, he still did. But he'd tried so hard not to think about that; tried to remember that his life wasn't over yet and many good things would happen to him before the disease took hold.

Marrying Alicia and having a baby together would be the best things that would ever happen to him.

But perhaps he was being selfish. Unless a cure was discovered, Alicia would be his carer one day. He'd thought she understood that, but perhaps she hadn't fully taken it in. She was a doctor, but a young and inexperienced one. He and Cal had both known the odds when they'd first met Emilie, but that didn't mean every doctor would know.

And their baby… had he condemned their baby to exactly the same as he would suffer?

"Ethan, I'm sorry." Alicia was crying.

"No. _I'm_ sorry." Ethan didn't think he could ever tell her how much.

"I didn't mean it," wept Alicia.

"I know," said Ethan numbly. Perhaps she hadn't meant it, but that didn't change the fact that she was right.

Joanna spoke gently. "It is a very difficult decision to make. You should take some time to discuss this properly. Can I ask if there is a genetic condition that concerns you particularly?"

Ethan swallowed. "I have Huntington's Disease."

"I'm very sorry, Ethan. That is a condition we can test for, but as you might know, there is a 2% chance of miscarriage and it's also not 100% accurate - it is possible for an unborn baby to test positive when it doesn't have the gene, or to test negative when it does, though the result we give you is very likely to be the correct one."

"I understand that," said Ethan, his voice catching again.

"But there's more than that," said Joanna. "The test is only offered to couples who have made the decision that they will abort the baby if it tests positive for the Huntington's gene."

"Abort?" burst out Ethan.

"It's a very difficult decision," said Joanna. "And if the test is going to be done, I'm afraid it needs to be done soon. The legal limit for abortion is twenty-four weeks, but waiting isn't going to make it any easier."

"I didn't even know…" said Ethan softly. "I know I should have looked it up, but… why would we have to abort it?"

"Because having the test done takes away the baby's right to decide whether to have the test or not," explained Joanna.

Ethan was trembling. "But surely aborting the baby takes away its right to _live_. You said yourself the test isn't always accurate. So you could be aborting a healthy baby. And there is new research being done all the time. Our baby might not start to show symptoms for forty-five years; perhaps even longer. There might be a cure by then."

"I do think you're making a very good point, Ethan, but those are the rules," said Joanna. "That is the only condition in which a prenatal test for Huntington's can be performed."

"But…" Ethan looked helplessly at Alicia, but she avoided his gaze, staring straight ahead.

Joanna spoke kindly. "I really think the two of you need to discuss this together. It might also help if I can refer you to a Huntington's advisor – they'll know more about the condition than I do and can give you more focused and helpful advice."

"I don't want an advisor," said Alicia in a low voice.

"And neither do I – but thank you very much for the offer," said Ethan. "I don't want my baby to have the same life I'm going to have, but that's better than denying them of any life at all."

* * *

Ethan didn't know what to do. Alicia had shut herself up in their bedroom and although it was his room too and he had every right to go in there, he didn't like to.

He had the Huntington's gene and he might have passed it on to their baby. There was nothing Ethan could say to make it any less true.

 _There's nothing I can do._

 _I can't save my own baby._

Something wet hit Ethan's hand and he realised he was crying. He brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly, wishing there was someone to hold him. He couldn't go to Alicia. It was so much worse for her .

 _I want Cal…_

The thought made Ethan cry harder. He sobbed into his knees for a few moments, then he sat up and reached for his phone. He'd called Cal so many times lately. So far, Cal had always ignored him, but perhaps today was the day when he cooled down and finally realised that all Ethan had done was fall in love.

It rang a couple of times, then abruptly stopped. Clearly, Cal had rejected the call. With another burst of tears, Ethan tried again, but the same thing happened, only much more quickly this time.

The next time he tried, the phone was switched off.

Ethan waited for it to go to voicemail, trying to quieten his sobs. "Cal, it's Ethan. Please call me. We just had the dating scan and everything was fine, but I… please, Cal, just call. I can't blame you for never wanting to speak to me again. What we did to you was bad and wrong. But you're my brother and I need you. I can't do this without you. Please, Cal. I don't know what to do."

* * *

Finally, the tears seemed to have stopped. Alicia stayed where she was for a moment, her face in her damp pillow, then she sat up and got a tissue.

She hated the fact she'd been lying here crying when Ethan was probably feeling even worse, but she didn't feel ready to face him.

Ethan hadn't done anything wrong. He'd been honest about his condition. But they'd got into the habit of not talking about it; of enjoying each day together and not worrying about the future, and when they'd learned the baby was on the way, they hadn't discussed it then either. Alicia had been very happy about this because she didn't want to think of it. It was too sad. She didn't want to be sad. Of course, if Ethan had come to her and said he needed to talk about it, she would have listened, but he hadn't.

Alicia had swept the subject into a corner of her mind, hoping that if she didn't think of it, it would cease to matter, but of course it did.

Their baby – their beautiful, perfect baby – might have Huntington's Disease.


	8. Chapter 8

_(I know I've already replied to some of you in pms, but I don't want to ignore your reviews, so I hope you don't mind if I reply again here!)_

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. It really is totally wrong - I was so shocked when I found out. I never imagined the test might only be offered in those circumstances. And considering how much it upset me, you can only imagine how anyone in Ethan and Alicia's situation would feel.

 **TheBeautifulNerd** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you like it. I really don't like reading, writing about or watching Ethan and Alicia together, but as I'm sure you know, some stories only work with certain characters. I'd really like the story to be the best it can be and if it works best with Alicia, I'll just have to deal with that.

 **20BlueRoses** , it is a shame Alicia said that out loud rather than just thinking it, but I thought she'd be so shocked, she'd blurt something out without thinking about how it would affect Ethan or even if she meant it. Ethan is really going to need Cal, but Cal's still hurting and as you say, knowing it's not his baby could make it worse. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Unless Alicia does decide to have the test done - and you know that will happen then - the soonest they can know is when Alicia delivers. I'm glad you liked the scan - I thought Ethan was the type to get all emotional over seeing his baby! I'm glad you liked the voicemail too.

 **Tanith Panic** , you know how much I like Alicia and I feel really bad for putting her in this position! I don't think they've considered abortion at this stage, but the fact it's seen as a very valid reason for abortion kind of makes you think. It's always lovely when someone likes a story I've written despite hating both the couples! Thank you for your review.

* * *

The first Ethan knew of Cal's return to the hospital was two days later, when he suddenly heard his voice.

Cal and David had apparently exited a cubicle together and separated, only for Cal to realise he'd forgotten something (typical Cal) and call the nurse back. Ethan stood, frozen into place, as Cal calmly told David that it might be worth getting a liver function test too. David nodded and they both departed.

A hand clapped Ethan on the shoulder. "What's up with you?" asked Jacob. "Did the wind change?"

Ethan looked at him blankly before breaking free and almost running in the direction Cal had taken. He didn't know what his primary emotion towards Cal was: anger, fear, relief, sadness… there was a bit of everything as Ethan raced down the corridor after his brother, only to have to stop when he accidentally ran into Lily, causing her to drop the files she was carrying.

Desperate as he was to speak to his brother, Ethan couldn't allow himself to rush off again. He dropped to his knees and gathered the files together, apologising the whole time. After all, Cal wasn't going anywhere. He'd only just got back. Ethan would have plenty of chances to speak to him.

"Perhaps it is as well we work in a hospital." Lily observed as he handed the files back to her. "Between you and Alicia, I seem almost certain of sustaining a serious injury sooner or later."

"I'm so sorry," said Ethan, only taking in half of what she was saying. "Um… did you say Alicia hurt you?"

"Only by accident, as you did." Lily looked at him for a moment. "Go and have a break," she said firmly.

"A break?" said Ethan blankly.

"A break," said Lily. "Believe me, Dr Hardy, you are very much in need of one."

Ethan really didn't feel in any position to argue about that. Although he'd known Cal would return to his job eventually, it had still shocked him to see his brother there.

It shouldn't be like this. They were brothers: Ethan should know when Cal was leaving and when he was coming home.

But he didn't and Ethan only had himself to blame.

"Yes, I'll have a break," he told Lily in a shaking voice and went to seek refuge in the staff room, only to find Cal already there. "Caleb."

Cal didn't even bother to look up, but the use of his full name would have given the speaker away even if his voice hadn't. He got to his feet. "I've got to get back to work."

"Cal, didn't you get my message?" Ethan felt like he was going to cry. He couldn't make up his mind if that was a good thing or not. It would be horribly embarrassing, but maybe it would actually get through to Cal. He was willing to try anything.

When Cal's hand touched his shoulder, his hopes rose, but Cal simply moved him out of the way and walked out of the staff room.

Ethan did cry then.

* * *

Alicia knew it had gone on too long.

Ethan had been wonderful, as always. She'd told him she needed time to think and he'd accepted it. He'd given her a hug and told her to take as long as she needed. "And if you ever want to talk about it, you know where I am. I love you, Alicia, and I'm so sorry."

The fact he was sorry made it even worse. Alicia knew she ought to tell him it wasn't his fault, but she couldn't. She didn't know whose fault it was if not Ethan's. Perhaps if Emilie had let them know sooner, he would have had more time in order to come to terms with it and sort things out in his mind, but he'd still chosen to be in a relationship with Alicia, knowing what could happen if they had children.

But that wasn't really fair. She'd known he had Huntington's when they'd first slept together. She didn't have to be a doctor to understand the dangers, despite the fact they'd taken precautions. She'd also known it could be passed on to Ethan's children. She hadn't known that the gene was passed on in 50% of cases, but she could have asked Ethan or looked it up for herself.

Yet she hadn't.

 _Because I didn't want it to be real_ , Alicia admitted to herself _. I just wanted to be with Ethan and be happy. I didn't want to think about anything else. When I got pregnant and then engaged, I didn't allow myself to think of anything else._

 _But now I can't hide anymore. I have to talk to Ethan._

* * *

Ethan was waiting in the staff room when he finished his shift. He got up to kiss her and she stared in shock at his red eyes. "Ethan, have you been crying?"

"Just… just a patient," said Ethan. "I'm fine now."

"Why didn't you come and find me?" said Alicia. Then she wished she hadn't asked because she could guess why.

She hadn't been there the last time he'd needed her; when they'd got back from the dating scan.

"You were working," said Ethan. "I didn't want to disturb you and your patients needed you. Shall we go to the pub?"

"No," said Alicia. She took her hand in his. "I want to go home and make sure you're really okay. And then… there's something I'd like to talk to you about."

* * *

Ethan did have a little cry about the patient when he got home. It had been very moving. The patient had died, surrounded by the family who had sworn never to contact her again. Once they'd pushed their anger aside, they'd realised they did still love her.

"You should have come to find me," said Alicia, her own eyes wet, as Ethan dried his tears.

"I didn't know where you were," said Ethan. "I also didn't want to leave Robyn on her own. She started wondering if she'd have a scene like that with Glen: if he let her back into his life in time to share his last moments with her. It seemed a bit selfish to think about myself."

Alicia blinked hard and smiled. "Isn't that just like you? But you've told me now and if you want to talk about it, we can."

Ethan shook his head, feeling himself smiling as he looked at her. It had been difficult, the last few days. He'd been happy to give Alicia some time and he'd kept his promise by not referring to Huntington's or scans or anything like that – though, of course, he hadn't been able to help mentioning the baby – but it had felt as though there was a sort of barrier between them. He was always on his guard; always careful not to get too close to the forbidden subject.

They'd barely alluded to it since they'd got together, so it should have been easy to avoid, but Ethan had found thoughts of it often crept into his mind. It had been easy to avoid before, when they'd almost managed to convince themselves it wasn't real, but it had been forced on their notice now and it wasn't going away.

"I'm fine," said Ethan. "I feel much better now I've talked to you. Thank you." He kissed her, and to his surprise, it felt different. Full of hope and uncertainty and (at least on Ethan's side) shyness.

Perhaps this was like a new beginning for them – and a better beginning because everything was in the open now.

He smiled lovingly at her. "You said you wanted to talk to me about something, sweetheart?"

Alicia nodded. "I'd like to get the prenatal testing done."

Ethan couldn't speak for a moment or two. "You mean…. you want to abort our baby if it has the gene?"

"No, of course not!" snapped Alicia. "But we want to know and the risk of harming the baby is small. We'll have to tell them we'll abort the baby if it tests positive, but they can't force us to go through with it. That would be wrong, ethically and morally."

"So is what you're suggesting," pointed out Ethan. "No matter how we might feel about the rule, it does exist and we can only accept that."

Alicia grabbed his hand. "Please, Ethan. Please do this for me. I've tried hiding from this and pretending it isn't real, but it doesn't work. It is real. We can't run away from this."

"No, we can't," agreed Ethan. "I suppose I've been pretending too."

"Then we can get the test done?" said Alicia. Her eyes were wide and there was a faint note of hysteria in her voice.

Ethan stroked his hand gently with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Alicia. We can't. But after the baby's born-"

"I didn't even know it was 50%," said Alicia in a low voice.

"It's horrible, darling, isn't it?" said Ethan. "And I'm so, so sorry."

"That's why I have to know," said Alicia tearfully. "I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy wondering and waiting and hoping and fearing. .. I have to know, Ethan. I can't get through the next five months without knowing. I thought I could; I thought I could forget all about it and just concentrate on the fact we're getting married and having a baby. But I can't, Ethan. I can't."

Ethan shook his head and took her hand in his. "I'm so sorry, Alicia, but the rules are clear." He put his arm around her. "I know it's difficult. I know it's tearing you apart because it's exactly the same for me. I don't agree with the rule – I think it's horrific – but there's nothing we can do. We can't use the NHS for a test we're not entitled to."

"I just want to know," wept Alicia. "I need to know."

"I know, darling. I do understand." Ethan paused for a moment, gathering his strength. "Okay, Alicia. If it's really that important to you, then we can have the test done. You're right that they can't force us to have the abortion and it's not uncommon for expectant mothers to book an abortion and then change their mind when it actually comes to it."

"Thank you," whispered Alicia with obvious relief.

"But believe me, Alicia, if the result is positive, knowing in advance won't make it easier," said Ethan seriously. "Nothing can prepare you for a moment like this and nothing can make it easier. Sometimes I feel like I've almost accepted it; other times I can actually forget. But it's still there and it's not going away and even if I'd had all my life to get used to the fact I've inherited a terrible disease, I'm sure I'd be feeling exactly the same way now. Helpless. Terrified of what my future will be. And hoping beyond hope that I haven't condemned my child to exactly the same fate."


	9. Chapter 9

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I think that's a really good point - it would be easier (though, as you say, not easy) to make a decision after you've had the test, when you know what the situation is and you know what your feelings are. That really should be an option!

 **Tanith Panic** , Alicia can't be forced to have a termination (unless she's incapable of making the decision for herself and even then I would think they can only do it if there's a threat to Alicia's health) and it would be very difficult to prove that she lied in order to get the test done. There are so many incidences of women asking for a termination and then changing their minds. I hope Ethan is more like his old self in this, despite what happened between him and Cal. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. If the baby has the gene, they really will need each other's support. It is good Ethan has Lily looking out for him - if he does exhaust himself by working so hard, it's going to make everything even more difficult to deal with.

 **20BlueRoses** , I tried writing a conversation for Cal and Ethan, but I thought they'd end up in a physical fight and I didn't want that at this point, so I'm relieved it worked to have Cal walking away. There probably would be legal consequences in theory because they lied in order to use hospital time and resources for a test they weren't entitled to, but as I said above, it would be so difficult to prove and who'd want to risk putting an innocent (and devastated) couple through that? Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan didn't want to go.

Quite apart from the fact that what they were doing was wrong, he didn't want to do it. He wasn't ready to know yet and he'd so much rather spend five more months of uncertainty than have a test that could cause Alicia to miscarry.

At 2%, she might be prepared to take the risk, but Ethan couldn't bear to take any risk at all.

It wasn't necessary. It was only another five months and whenever the result came, a negative one could only ever be too soon as far as Ethan was concerned.

He'd mentioned this to Alicia, but she'd never wavered. For Alicia, it was absolutely essential to know what she was preparing herself for and as the baby's possible status with regard to Huntington's was in no way Alicia's fault, Ethan couldn't help feeling he had no choice but to defer to her wishes.

Alicia entered the room. She looked tense and nervous, though she tried to smile.

Ethan held out his arms. "Come here, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

"Scared," admitted Alicia as she cuddled close to him.

Ethan held her more tightly. "If you're having second thoughts…"

"No," said Alicia at once. She disentangled herself from the hug. "I haven't had second thoughts." She paused. "Have you?"

"No. Of course not," said Ethan. He wasn't really lying. How could they be second thoughts when he'd been against this all along? "Everything will be okay. I'll be there and our baby will be there and whatever the result, it will be the most wonderful, perfect baby in the world. Because it's ours and we made it because we love each other."

"Yes," said Alicia as she turned away and started to get ready. "Whatever the result, it's our baby."

* * *

Alicia lay on the bed, trembling. She didn't know how Ethan managed to keep so calm. He was holding her hand tightly and although he wasn't smiling, his eyes were full of love.

He wouldn't be present for the actual test, of course, and Alicia didn't want him to be, but she was grateful to him for being there now.

"The local anaesthetic should be starting to work now, Alicia. You and Ethan can have a couple more minutes if you like."

Alicia felt Ethan's hand tighten on hers. His thumb skimmed lightly across the back of her wrist. She knew he would be there for her no matter what the result was, but that was little comfort now. He couldn't take the gene away from her baby. He was the one who'd put it there!

 _No. I mustn't think like that. It's not fair. None of this is Ethan's fault._

"I love you," said Ethan.

His voice was filled with certainty, but it was easier for him. He didn't have to accept a future spouse with an incurable genetic disease. She did.

"I love you too," said Alicia. It was the expected reply. And it was true. But it if wasn't for Ethan, she wouldn't be there now. Lying here, so scared and exposed and putting her baby at risk.

She looked down at her tummy: at the slight swell that showed her baby was there. Soon, a very fine needle would be passed through her skin, guided by an ultrasound scanner. The needle would collect a small sample of cells from her placenta. The cells would be tested.

And then, in about a week's time, they would know.

"Ethan…"

"Yes, darling?" he said at once, and she knew without looking that his eyes had never wavered from her face.

"I love you," said Alicia. "Whatever happens, please don't forget that."

Ethan bent forward and kissed her. "I love you too, Alicia."

* * *

Ethan left the room almost blinded by tears. He staggered into the loos, locked himself in a cubicle and wept. He had no idea what the result would be, but if it was positive, it would be his fault. Alicia had made the decision to sleep with him, but he could have said no. He could have been more vigilant about ensuring she'd taken all her contraceptive pills.

There must be something he could have done to avoid this.

He got out his phone and texted Cal, pouring out his sadness and fear, but he deleted it without sending it. Cal hadn't responded to the voicemail he'd sent. He didn't speak to Ethan at all unless their jobs demanded it. There wouldn't be any point in contacting Cal.

Cal didn't care – and why should he? thought Ethan, as more tears fell. Alicia had been his girlfriend. Ethan had stolen her. There was no reason why Cal should do anything for either of them ever again.

* * *

A week later, Ethan and Alicia sat in the waiting room together. Ethan's arm was wrapped tightly around Alicia and her head was resting on his shoulder. His other hand was resting on top of both of hers. It probably looked as though he was the one supporting Alicia, but he drew so much strength from holding her close to him.

He just wished he could be sure they were doing the right thing.

As a doctor, he knew it was wrong. They were deceiving medical staff for their own ends. They had no right to do that and he would at least consider taking action against any patient he suspected of doing the same.

But Alicia wanted their minds to be put at rest. She wanted to know what future they were facing in order to plan it. She wanted the uncertainty to be at an end.

None of this was her fault. The only reason she was in this situation was because of Ethan. He owed it to her to do everything he could to make it easier for her.

As though she'd sensed his thoughts, Alicia turned towards him and smiled. He looked into her eyes and felt some of his terror fading away.

He wasn't alone. He would never be alone.

Their names were called. They stood up and Alicia took Ethan's hand firmly in hers. "Whatever the result is, Ethan, I love you."

"I love you too," Ethan whispered back.

* * *

"What?" said Alicia.

She sounded incredulous; almost as though she might laugh.

Joanna looked loath to repeat it. "I'm so sorry, Alicia. I'm afraid your baby almost certainly has the Huntington's gene."

"No," whispered Ethan. He realised he was on his feet, his hands held out and his eyes lifted to the ceiling. "NO!"

"Ethan!" Alicia caught him and tried to push him back down into his seat. "It's not definite, babe. Okay? It's not definite."

Joanna looked at them in confusion. "It might not be definite, but as you've come to the decision to abort the baby if it was carrying the gene…"

"Yes, of course," said Alicia faintly. "Yes. We need to arrange an abortion."

"I'll give you the phone number to call to arrange it. I'm afraid I can't do it myself. You could do it in reception on the way out, but you might find it easier on the phone."

"Yes. Thank you," said Alicia. "I'll… phone them when I get home."

Their voices seemed to be coming from a long way away.

Ethan listened as they almost casually discussed arrangements to kill the baby to whom he'd already handed a death sentence. He smiled and thanked the woman who was making no effort to persuade them to change their mind. She was doing the right thing, of course. The decision to have an abortion was a very personal one. It was theirs and theirs alone and they'd told her it was what they wanted. All she could do was ensure they'd considered every possibility and then respect their decision.

 _But it's not our decision_ , thought Ethan. _We want this baby to live._

 _But no child should expect to live like this. Because of me._

He felt Alicia's hands on his shoulders. He blinked tears away and saw she was bending down in front of him. "Ethan? Babe? We can go now."

He nodded and got to his feet, grateful for Alicia's guiding hand. He stumbled through the waiting room, seeing nothing around him. She kept hold of him as they walked across the car park and made no objection when she helped him into the passenger seat.

It was worse for Alicia - so much worse - yet she was the one helping and comforting him. It was wrong, but Ethan couldn't find the strength to protest. He felt as though he had no strength left at all.

He'd given his baby the worst gift in the world.

He closed his eyes. He heard Alicia opening the door and climbing into the drivers' seat. She'd said nothing since they'd left the appointment room. The journey home was in silence too.

Ethan glanced at Alicia's face. It was set. He had no idea what she was thinking.

But he could guess.

* * *

"Sit down," said Alicia softly, pushing Ethan down into an armchair. She sat on the arm of the chair, catching his hands in hers. "Don't cry, Ethan. Please don't cry." She brushed at some of the tears with her fingers.

Ethan hadn't even realised he was crying, but then he felt wetness on his cheeks and heard the sound of his sobs. "I'm sorry, Alicia. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologise, babe." Alicia wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. "We can do this, Ethan. I love you and I wouldn't want to have a baby with anyone else." Her voice shook. "This isn't your fault, Ethan, okay? And we can do this. Our baby will be special and wonderful in every way. They might not show symptoms for forty-five years. Perhaps longer. That's such a long time away. Think how much could be achieved in that time."

Ethan heard her words, but they meant nothing. Their baby still had the Huntington's gene. And it wasn't because of Alicia.

* * *

Alicia lay in the darkness, listening to Ethan's breathing.

He was a good man. He would be a good dad. She was lucky. Their child was lucky.

Their child had Huntington's Disease.

Alicia knew the tears were coming. She'd kept them back all day because Ethan needed her, but now, finally, she could give in to her emotions.

They rolled across her like a tidal wave. She tried to stifle her sobs in her hand, but she knew she would wake Ethan if she stayed in bed. She gently removed his hand from her waist and got out of bed, her hand pressed against her mouth as she hurried out of the room, closing the bedroom door behind her.

She almost ran to the sofa and collapsed onto it, not taking her usual care for the baby. No matter how careful she was, he or she would suffer in the most terrible; the most horrible way. And they'd known what would happen because they'd have seen it happen to Ethan.

 _Why did this have to happen to us? Why can't we just be happy?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Alicia is starting to blame Ethan. I think she desperately wants to blame someone and Ethan is the obvious choice, but she is trying not to blame him. Alicia loves Ethan even though he has the gene, so it obviously won't stop the baby from being loveable.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you can see Alicia's point of view. I don't want to make her seem horrible. That's a very good point about how the baby having the gene might feel like a punishment for the way they began their relationship. I'm really glad it's not obvious what Ethan and Alicia will decide.

 **CBloom2** , Ethan really does need Cal! I'm not sure I could write a whole story where Cal hates Ethan all the way through, especially not when Ethan needs him so badly, but I'm actually not completely sure where this story is going. It is awful news for Ethan and Alicia and they really need to talk about it together. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , they would have found out at some stage and they baby should be equally loveable with or without the gene, so while this is really devastating and a massive shock to both of them, you're right that things could be worse - for example if the scan caused Alicia to miscarry her baby. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I feel sad too that the baby has the gene, but that was kind of the point of the story - to see how Ethan and Alicia would cope. They might both want to stick to their original (true) decision and keep the baby no matter what, but it's still going to be really difficult and completely devastating.

 **InfinityAndOne** , it is very sad that Ethan blames himself, but I thought he probably would. He does really need Cal's support, but all he can do is hope this will be the time where Cal pushes his own feelings aside and puts his brother first. But how many times in his life has Cal done that? Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan awoke, feeling cold. He knew even before he reached out his hand that Alicia wasn't there. It wasn't especially unusual: sometimes she did wake up before him and go and have a shower so the bathroom was free when he woke up.

But he wished she had been there. He needed her this morning. He knew that even before he'd remembered why.

When the memory came back to him, so did the tears. He rolled onto his stomach and sobbed and it was some time before he realised Alicia's side of the bed was completely cold. She must have got up very early.

His own tears forgotten, Ethan got out of bed. He knew, somehow, that Alicia had got out of bed to cry. She was probably crying somewhere now, all alone. Either that or sleeping uncomfortably on the sofa, worn out by her emotions. Ethan ran to the living room and found it empty; a check revealed there was no-one in the kitchen or bathroom either. He tried the spare bedroom – their child's bedroom, which they'd already started to decorate – but Alicia wasn't there.

Fear gripped him. She wasn't in the flat. There were any number of places she could have gone: she might have needed comfort and gone to Louise or Robyn. Or perhaps Elle had phoned to request an extra doctor and Alicia had gone rather than disturb Ethan.

But wouldn't she have left a note?

His heart pounding, Ethan ran back to the bedroom for his phone. He speed-dialled Alicia and held the phone to his ear, desperate to hear her voice – but he didn't. He didn't hear her phone ringing either. There was a silence, then a voice who wasn't Alicia informed him they weren't able to reach that number'.

Ethan was trembling hard. It wasn't much after six and he wouldn't normally consider phoning his colleagues at this sort of time, but he was desperate. He tried Louise, knowing she would be more than grumpy if he woke her, but Ethan was hoping with all his heart that he wouldn't wake her; that he was awake now and giving Alicia the comfort she really needed.

"What sort of time do you call THIS?" demanded Louise, her voice thick with sleep but full of venom.

"I'm so sorry, Louise," said Ethan, his voice catching. "But Alicia has gone and she's not answering her phone and I have no idea where she is. I was hoping she was with you."

There was a shocked pause, then Louise spoke, her voice much gentler now. "No, she's not here, Ethan. I'm sorry. But if I see her or speak to her, I'll let you know right away. Have you tried Robyn?"

"No, I'm just about to," said Ethan unsteadily. "Thank you, Louise. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

"No: don't worry about that," said Louise. "I'm glad you called. Hang in there, okay? I'm sure one of us will hear from her soon."

Ethan thanked her again, genuinely grateful for her kindness and support, but he couldn't help worrying neither of them would hear from Alicia. He put his head in his hands and and wept for a few moments, but then he dashed his tears away and tried Robyn. After that, he would call Alicia's parents, then he would go back to the beginning of his contact list and try absolutely everyone. He wouldn't give up on Alicia. He'd never give up.

* * *

Alicia could tell the other passengers were worried. Some of them probably didn't care, but most of them were looking at her with concern on their faces. Alicia really couldn't blame them. She was crying her eyes out in the middle of a train. At least three people had asked her if she was okay (stupid question and there was no way any of them could have believed Alicia when she'd said she was fine) and one had offered her a tissue, which was now a sodden mess in Alicia's lap.

She'd thought about hiding in the loo, but it was tiny, cramped and smelly and someone else might need to go in there.

"We will shortly be arriving at Newport Station."

Alicia sniffled and stood up, ducking into the smelly loo to throw away her tissue. She tore off some toilet paper to blow her nose on, then she splashed icy water on her face, but she knew it would do no good. It wouldn't hide the tears she'd already shed or the many more she knew would follow.

"We are now arriving at Newport Station…"

Alicia put her sunglasses on in the hope of hiding most of her tears and hurried out of the loo, grabbing her suitcase from the rack. She got out of the train and headed for the travelodge situated opposite. She hadn't expected it to have any available rooms, but there had been some when she'd checked online. She hadn't booked in advance: that would have necessitated paying in advance and Alicia wanted to use the money she'd withdrawn from the cashpoint.

"Hi, I'd like to book a room, please," said Alicia shakily. "Any room is fine."

"Okay: can I take your name, please?"

"Ali… Lily Chao."

* * *

It was Connie whose kindness surprised Ethan the most. He'd expected her to be annoyed she'd lost a doctor at short notice, but although she'd been even more abrupt than Louise when she'd answered the phone, she was very gentle now.

He didn't tell her about the prenatal test. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about that. It hurt too much and he wasn't sure they'd understand, but he told them all Alicia had disappeared.

"I'm so sorry," said Ethan as tears poured down his face.

"Don't be sorry, Ethan," said Connie. "Your fiancée has disappeared: of course you're upset. Why don't you take the day off too? I can ask for two locums just as easily as one."

"I… I… thank you, but I couldn't," wept Ethan. "I'll be fine once I get to work. I don't want to sit around doing nothing."

"Okay, Dr Hardy, but I need you on top of your game. If you can't cope, you go home. Is that clear?"

"That's clear, Mrs Beauchamp."

Connie spoke more gently. "It's for your sake too, Ethan. Not just our patients'. I know you'll always do your best, but I also know you'd feel it very deeply if something did go wrong. Have you tried Alicia's parents?"

"They haven't seen her," sniffed Ethan. "They promised to let me know if she arrived, but what if she asks them not to? I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp. I don't want to take up any more of your time."

"Ethan, it's fine," said Connie. "None of this is your fault, okay?"

"But it is!" sobbed Ethan, so distraught now he barely even remembered he was talking to the terrifying clinical lead. "It is my fault, Mrs Beauchamp. It's completely my fault."

"How is it your fault?" asked Connie softly. "I assume you had an argument, but there are at least two participants in an argument."

"No, it is my fault." Ethan tried to hold back another wave of sobbing. "I'm sorry. I've got to go now, Mrs Beauchamp. I have to phone David. I don't suppose he knows anything, but I have to try everyone. I have to find her."

* * *

Alicia wiped her eyes and reached for her phone. She really should have phoned before now, but she'd been too upset. This was the first time she'd felt she'd be able to cope with a phone conversation and she knew she mustn't betray what she was feeling inside. She wanted to convey the impression that she was perfectly all right; that she didn't feel as though she were being torn apart. She wanted everyone to think she was okay.

Alicia dialled the number and waited, feeling tears stinging her eyes already. She hoped she could get through this phone call without crying. She would have to get through so much more than this. "Hi, um, I was wondering if I could make an appointment, please. Yes, that's right." She waited, hearing the faint clicking of a mouse in the background.

"We've actually had a cancellation for this afternoon, if you're available then."

"This afternoon sounds fine," said Alicia in relief.

"That'll be at 3.30. Do you have our address?"

Alicia reeled it off.

"That's right. Can I take your name, please?"

"Lily Chao."

"Is that Miss or Mrs?"

 _What's wrong with 'Ms'?_ thought Alicia, slightly affronted, but her voice was quiet and polite as she told the receptionist: "Um, it's 'doctor', if you have an option for that."

"Thank you, Dr Chao."

* * *

Ethan stumbled through the hospital, not knowing where he was going; much less what he was doing. He was beginning to think it would have been more sensible to stay at home, but he had to be here. He wanted to be close to Cal, even if Cal wasn't speaking to him. He wanted to be close to some of the people Alicia was most likely to contact.

At first, he'd hoped Alicia might show up for her shift, but her hopes were waning now. He'd been here for an hour and there was no sign of Alicia. He'd seen Connie just now. Her: "Sorry, Ethan. No news," and the gentle touch on his shoulder as she passed had nearly made him burst into tears in the middle of cubicles.

He had a great respect for Connie and he'd seen her treat her patients kindly, but she didn't always take the time to give her staff the same consideration. There was no reason why she should: her staff weren't in need of emergency medical treatment.

Her kindness to Ethan meant a lot, but it also suggested Connie had little hope of Alicia's return. At least not any time soon.

Ethan wandered towards reception. Cal was there, writing up some notes. Ethan ran up to his brother. He'd resolved not to speak of it in the hospital; he needed to stay calm and saying the words out loud wouldn't help, but he couldn't help himself. "Cal, Alicia's left me!"

He saw shock on his brother's face and one hand lifted from the desk as though he might extend it towards Ethan, but then he let it drop again. "Sounds like typical Alicia to me. As soon as she finds someone better, she's off."

"Cal, I'm sorry," said Ethan as he tried to fight back tears. "I really am sorry for what I did. I know you'll never forgive me. I don't expect you to. But you're my brother and I need you."

Cal turned and walked off without another word.


	11. Chapter 11

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Ethan isn't having a good day. Or a good week. I really want Cal to forgive him right now, but the story's already planned and I'm going to go along with that. Yes, Alicia used Lily's name so she couldn't be found - it was the first to come to mind. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you like all the emotions and that I was managing to convey what I was hoping for. Ethan is torn apart and Alicia is panicking, but I agree that if she has booked an abortion, it's not something she should do without Ethan. Ethan really does need Cal - and Cal needs to realise it soon!

 **InfinityAndOne** , it might make a difference if Ethan does tell Cal about the result of the test - comforting Ethan when he's lost Alicia might be too close to home for Cal, but having a baby with Huntington's is a bit different. Alicia definitely shouldn't be alone - she's too upset to think clearly and she needs Ethan! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. Cal does really need to sort it out! It's understandable that he's heartbroken, but he must be able to see what a state Ethan is in and they do love each other really - everyone knows that! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

 **Tanith Panic** , I was once offered the option of _Mr_ or Mrs! I think the title should be a blank space rather than an either/or as there are so many possibilities. It would be terrible if Alicia had an abortion without telling Ethan - it's his decision too, though if they can't agree, I wonder who would have the final say. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **bethbebs** for the follow._

* * *

Alicia checked she had her keycard and the address and left her room. She was calm now, finally, but she doubted she could get through the whole appointment without crying. She could feel a pain deep inside her, as though her baby was crying out to her; begging for Alicia's help.

 _Save me, Mummy! Save me! Save me!_

Alicia only wished she knew what it was asking her to save it from.

She got the lift down to the ground floor and went to meet the taxi that was waiting outside. She smiled at the driver and gave the address in a low voice before turning to look out of the side window, discouraging conversation.

She used to enjoy having a chat to taxi drivers; maybe a bit of a flirt, though it never meant anything, of course. Not since Ethan. But she couldn't do it today.

She couldn't have a chat as though nothing was wrong. Not now her life had changed forever.

* * *

Ethan bent over his patient, taking her pulse and listening to her breathing. "Do you mind if I have a listen to your chest? Thank you."

It was slightly fast, but nothing out of the ordinary in the emergency department. Ethan listened for a moment, then he stood up and put the stethoscope around his neck.

"Are you on any medication?" he asked.

The patient shook her head.

"Do you have any allergies?"

"No, but I am four months pregnant… do you think it's something to do with that?"

Ethan glanced at David, who looked guilty, but also surprised. Clearly, the patient had neglected to mention this most- likely-relevant fact to the nurse. If she had, Ethan guessed David would have asked a different doctor to examine her. Ethan wasn't sure if he was grateful for this or if it gave him yet another reason to hate himself.

"Would you rather see a female doctor?" broke in David, quite loudly for him. Normally, he wouldn't have considered such an interjection, but in common with everyone else, he knew what Ethan was going through - not about the result of the prenatal test, of course: that was much too painful to be said aloud; but everyone knew Ethan's pregnant fiancée had left him.

"No, it's fine," said the patient with reassuring smile for David. "I'm sure he's seen it all before."

David sent Ethan another concerned glance. Ethan tried to smile reassuringly back at him, but his face felt frozen. How could he reassure David when all he wanted was to collapse on the floor of the cubicle and cry?

He turned back to the patient, trying to calm his whirling thoughts and work out what he was meant to say next. "I, um, has this pregnancy been confirmed?"

The patient nodded. "I had my dating scan last week. We've got the anomaly scan coming up soon. I'm quite nervous, to be honest. I don't know what I'd do if there was something wrong."

Ethan knew the thoughts were only natural and experienced by many in her situation, but he felt himself tense up at the thought she didn't want an abnormal baby and found himself wondering what Emilie would have done if she'd had a prenatal scan; wondering what Matilda would have done if she'd known one of the boys she was planning on adopting had the Huntington's gene. "It would still be your baby!" he burst out, his eyes flooding with tears. "It will be your own baby, which you created, and which will love you and need you more than anything else in the world and the fact it might be 'abnormal' doesn't make it any less worthy of love!"

The patient stared at him, shocked. "I didn't mean that! Of course I love my baby. How can you even say that?"

David put his hands on Ethan's shoulders. "Come on, Ethan. Come with me," he said quietly. He turned to the patient. "I'm very sorry. I can't explain Dr Hardy's reaction, but he has a reason. I'll find you another doctor."

* * *

Alicia climbed out of the taxi after paying the fare and adding a generous tip. He deserved that just for respecting her wish not to talk. She remained standing on the pavement for some time after the taxi had driven off, staring at the brick building in front of her and wondering if she was really going to go in there.

She knew she had to. She needed to talk to someone; she needed to talk about what she was going to do next and it had to be with someone neutral. Not someone who knew her or Ethan. She didn't want to put anyone she cared about in that position. She didn't want to force them to support her and not Ethan.

Taking a deep breath, Alicia walked slowly towards the door. She pushed it open and went inside, looking around at the small reception area. There were other people in the waiting room, most of them staring down at the floor. Alicia felt a knot form inside her chest and she nearly turned around and ran out again, but she managed to control her fear. She closed the door behind her and half-glanced at the reception desk before walking slowly towards it.

"Hello, can I help you?" The receptionist's smile was professional but kind.

"I-I'm Lily Chao," stammered Alicia.

The travelodge receptionist had looked surprised to meet a blonde with a Chinese name, but this receptionist showed no surprise at all. Perhaps she didn't realise the name was Chinese. Or perhaps she was used to false names and had heard far less convincing choices.

Alicia swallowed and tried to speak like the confident doctor she tried so hard to believe she was. "I… I have an appointment to see a counsellor."

* * *

Ethan almost threw himself onto the sofa and bent over, sobbing hard into his hands. David hovered for a moment before murmuring that he needed to get back to the patient and he'd 'find someone'. Ethan opened his mouth to ask David to find Cal, but he couldn't say the words and it would have done no good if he had. Cal wouldn't come. He hated Ethan and nothing would ever change that.

Ethan wasn't sure how much later it was that the shocked gasp came to his ears. This was followed by fast footsteps: someone wearing heels. The person sat down beside him, placing an awkward hand on his arm. "Ethan, what has happened?"

Ethan looked up, just about recognising Lily through his short-sighted eyes that were blurred still further by tears. He opened his mouth to tell her but heard himself sobbing instead. He dropped his head back into his hands and let the tears overwhelm him again.

Lily stroked his arm. She didn't say anything else – she probably didn't know what to say – but Ethan was grateful for both her presence and her silence. She couldn't possibly know if Alicia was coming back or if everything would be all right, but it did comfort him just slightly to know she cared about him.

He heard Cal's voice and his heart jumped, thinking David might have persuaded him to go to Ethan, but then the voice stopped abruptly and he heard footsteps walking hurriedly away, Cal clearly preferring to defer his break rather than see his brother. Ethan felt Lily's hand tighten on his arm before returning to the rhythmic stroking and was glad she understood. It meant he didn't have to explain.

He didn't know how long he continued to cry, but even Ethan's tears couldn't flow forever. He lifted his wet face from his hands and turned to Lily, not sure what he could say or even if there were any words, but Lily didn't seem to require any. She handed him a tissue from the box he guessed David must have found for him and went to make some coffee. She returned with two mugs, putting one down in front of Ethan and her own beside it.

"Thank you," whispered Ethan as she sat beside him.

"I am very sorry about Alicia," said Lily.

Ethan nodded. He knew she meant it. Lily and Alicia still didn't get on all that well and perhaps never would – Ethan was honest enough to admit that this time, it had been Lily who'd been friendly or at least professional no matter what and Alicia who'd confused and hurt Lily - but Lily cared about Ethan and he knew she wanted him to be happy.

"If you wanted," said Lily hesitantly, "I could phone her. I don't suppose she would want to speak to me, but I am willing to try."

Ethan reached out and squeezed her hand. "No. But thank you. So much." It was all he could manage.

"Okay." Lily nodded. "I don't suppose there's anything I can do, Ethan, but I believe the correct thing is to ask if there is."

"Cal…" Ethan released the name in a sigh.

"I can go and speak to him if that's what you wish, Ethan."

Ethan shook his head. He did wish it. The only thing he wanted more than Cal's comfort – the only scientifically-possible thing – was Alicia's safe return.

But he knew he wouldn't be getting either anytime soon.

* * *

Alicia finished speaking and looked at the counsellor, waiting for her reaction. She didn't know what she was expecting to see on her face. Disgust? Pity? Indifference?

She got sympathy. "Lily, thank you for sharing this with me."

Alicia blinked slightly before remembering she was Lily now.

"You've been very brave to reach out for help and I'm going to do my best to provide it."

Alicia nodded and waited.

"You've obviously got a big decision ahead of you now – and it is your decision," said the counsellor. "What I'd like to do now is to talk you through your options and what they mean."

"I'm sorry: I don't mean to be rude, but I know what my options _mean_ ," said Alicia. "I'm a doctor. I understand everything. If you have to talk through the options with me, I understand – I often have to talk through the options too, even when I know it's pointless. But I've thought about this. I've thought about nothing else ever since I found out the truth. I know what everything means and I know what I ought to do; that's very clear to me." The tears she'd been trying so hard to hold back spilled onto her cheeks. "But I don't know if I can do it."


	12. Chapter 12

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , they really do both need support and they need each other! It would probably be painful for Alicia to be around Ethan, but it's painful being away from him too. And Ethan needs Cal, of course! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. It is a real nightmare for Alicia and being away from Ethan probably isn't helping as much as she thought it would. It is a hard decision - I don't think she'd normally consider abortion, but the baby will have a very difficult life and she also has the instinct to protect her child from suffering.

 **20BlueRoses** , I think you're right about Alicia wanting a quick fix for the problem. It's a horrible decision to have to make and I think she'd love it to be taken away from her so she doesn't have to live with the guilt, but no-one else can make the decision for her. I think it would take a lot for Cal to comfort Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you understand Alicia's reasons for wanting privacy - I think Ethan would understand too, but as she hasn't spoken to him, so he doesn't know what she's doing or thinking. I really want Cal to comfort Ethan too, but I think something big needs to happen for Cal to change his mind.

* * *

"Major RTC. ETA five minutes."

Ethan heard the words and hurried to get ready. He didn't feel in any way capable of coping with a major incident, but Alicia had been gone for a week now and he'd somehow managed to go to work every day. He'd made very few mistakes – no more than usual – and both Connie and Elle seemed pleased with him. They were happy for him to continue working.

So why did he feel as though he might break apart at any moment? Why did his control feel so fragile that the smallest problem might cause him to snap, perhaps beyond repair?

Despite these feelings, Ethan was glad he'd managed to convince Connie and Elle he was able to work. The hospital was where he wanted to be. The times he spent alone were spent in misery, endlessly phoning Cal and Alicia in the hope that this time, they might answer him.

Cal had asked him to stop calling him and his phone was so often switched off now, Ethan suspected he'd got himself another phone with a number his little brother didn't know. From Alicia, he'd heard nothing. Just a voice telling him the phone must be switched off; a voice he both dreaded hearing and longed to hear because at least it gave him a little bit of hope that Alicia was still using the phone; that she hadn't shut out her old life completely and might come back to him one day.

He hadn't reported her missing yet. If anyone needed time alone to think, it was Alicia, but Ethan had told himself and his colleagues that if he hadn't heard from her after a week, he would contact the police. He couldn't imagine being able to say the words: the fact he'd probably have to explain to them that both he and their unborn child had the Huntington's gene filled him with unhappiness and terror. He didn't even know it was possible to say the words aloud because he'd never tried it. He didn't even know if the right words existed; he couldn't even begin to form sentences inside his head. What he felt when he thought of it was a wild, painful fear that made him want to fall to the floor and scream until the horror had gone away and everything was all right again.

But it would never go away. And that meant nothing would ever be all right.

"Dr Hardy! Ethan?"

Ethan blinked and turned to face Lily, who was looking at him in concern. "Um… what? Did you say something?" His voice sounded thin and weak.

"Go and have a break," said Lily. "You can't deal with these patients."

"Yes, I can!" Helpless rage built up inside Ethan; the same as he often felt when he thought what his future must be. "Lily, isn't it bad enough that I've lost my fiancée; my child; my brother; my future? Must you take away my job as well?"

"Ethan!" Lily caught him by the shoulders. "You need to go and have a break. Please go to the staff room now. I would go with you, but I am needed here."

"And I'm needed here too!" Tears were pouring down Ethan's face. "It's the only place I am needed now. Cal doesn't need me;. Alicia doesn't need me; my baby doesn't need me!" He felt pain in his throat as sobs burst out of him. "But these patients do, Lily. They're the only ones!"

He felt Lily stroking his shoulder with her thumbs. "Ethan, a lot of patients will need you in the future, but you can't help these patients now and that's all right. All doctors have moments when they can't help. It doesn't mean they'll never be able to help again. You've been pushing yourself so hard; working extra shifts; arriving earlier and staying later than you need to – it's going to have an effect on you sooner or later and I can see it's happening now. So please go to the staff room, Ethan. I'll come and find you as soon as I can."

Ethan shook his head, but he knew Lily was right. He continued to cry, his sobs loud and staccato, drowning out the many other sounds that were so much a part of the ED, he barely noticed them. He felt himself sagging into Lily's arms and she held him tightly for a moment, speaking to him in a soft voice that was so unlike the way she spoke normally.

Then her voice changed; strengthened. "Max! Can you come here, please? Ethan needs to go to the staff room."

Max came over at once. Ethan's eyes were blurred with tears, but he caught a glimpse of concern on Max's face before a strong arm went around his shoulders and he found he was walking. Between the tears and the images in his head, he couldn't see where they were going, and it wasn't until he found himself pushed gently down onto something soft that he realised he was in the staff room.

Max sat beside him and put his arms around him, holding Ethan's head against his chest and letting him cry. There was something in Ethan's mind telling him to stop crying and let Max go; that Max needed to continue with his job even if Ethan didn't; that all the porters would probably be needed as at least some of the patients were likely to be transferred once they'd been stabilised as much as possible in the ED, but his hands wouldn't obey and they clung to Max's shoulders still more tightly as he moaned his distress.

It was some time later that Ethan finally quietened: tears continued to stream from his eyes, but he could no longer hear the sobs that had sounded and felt almost like howls. He felt Max releasing him slowly, his hands sliding down Ethan's arms before letting go.

"Ethan, I'm going to get Cal," said Max. "I don't want to leave you, but I know he's the person you need."

"He won't come," wept Ethan. "He hates me. And why wouldn't he?"

"You're his brother," said Max.

Ethan shook his head, but Max got up and patted his shoulder a couple of times before leaving him alone. Ethan buried his face into his hands and cried as he waited for the brother he knew wouldn't come.

* * *

Cal was in cubicles when Max found him, flirting with an attractive young female patient who seemed more than interested and wondering why he felt so completely detached from it all. He didn't think it was because of Alicia; he had no respect for the woman who could so cold-bloodedly sleep with his brother behind his back. It was Ethan he hated; Ethan whose betrayal would always hurt and always matter.

"Yes?" he said to Max, the interruption neither an annoyance nor a welcome relief. It was too unimportant for that.

"Um, could I have a quick word outside, please?" said Max.

Cal sighed and apologised to the patient. He followed Max outside. "What is it?"

"It's Ethan."

Cal felt pain in his chest. A deep ache that was always there, though not always this pronounced. "If that's all, Max…" He turned away.

Max caught his arm. "No, you've got to come. He just had a complete breakdown waiting for a patient."

Cal stayed where he was, trying to ignore the warring feelings inside him. One saying that Ethan was dead to him and he didn't care what happened to him; the sooner he lost it completely and left the hospital for good, the better as far as Cal was concerned.

The other was the urge to forget all his patients and run to Ethan right now; to catch him up in his arms and hold him tight and promise never to hurt him again.

 _But why would I do that?_ Cal asked himself. _When have I hurt Ethan? Yes, I've stolen away the women he was thinking about flirting with from right under his nose and I enjoyed it. But I have never, ever made a move on anyone Ethan was in love with and I've certainly never slept with them behind his back._

But Ethan had done that and part of the reason why it hurt so much – though a lesser one in comparison with the pain of knowing that the two people he loved most in the world were capable of that – was because it was so unlike Ethan. If Ethan really had been another Cal rather than a very poor imitation (oh, that ridiculous 'be more Cal' phase; how Cal wished he'd never encouraged him in that), maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much.

Maybe.

But Ethan had always been such a sweet man; a kind man; a man, admittedly, who was more than happy to tell Cal the many ways in which he thought he was going wrong but would never actually want to hurt anyone.

Yet he'd stolen away Cal's girlfriend – the woman he'd loved – and Cal was left with the truth that another girl had only been pretending to love him.

Perhaps Ethan had only been pretending too. He certainly didn't love Cal now.

No-one loved him.

"Cal?" Max's voice was pleading now. "I know what he did was wrong and I know how much that hurts. Maybe it was worse for you: I have no idea who that guy Zoe slept with was and she probably doesn't either and even though it nearly destroyed me, it would have been so much worse if it had been Lofty. But Ethan's your _brother_. He's lost the girl he loves; he has no idea where she is and he really needs you." Max looked steadily into Cal's eyes. "I know some things hurt, but some things; some people are too important… do you see what I'm getting at?"

"No," said Cal softly. "I won't go and comfort Dr Hardy. He's nothing to me. He doesn't even share my name."

Max stared at him in shock. "Did you just call your _brother_ …"

"I'm going back to work now." Cal's voice was still soft, but it had an edge of danger.

Max stepped back, horror and shock still etched on his face.

Cal returned to his cubicle.

He wasn't going to think about people who didn't even matter. Certainly not when his patients needed him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Tanith Panic** , I'm glad Cal's attitude makes more sense now. I don't want him to be the bad guy! I think he'd only turned against his brother if he'd been very deeply hurt. I thought Ethan needed a bit of extra kindness and Max very rarely fails in that respect. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. It was very harsh from Cal, but I'm glad it's clear why he said it. Cal has a lot more love than he realises - it's just a shame he's not real so we can't really show him! Even Ethan has Lily to look out for him, but Cal always finds it hard to ask for support.

 **CBloom2** , I wanted Max to persuade Cal to go to Ethan too, but I had to stick to the story plan! He did come quite close to being persuaded, so it's not impossible there's some brotherly love and comfort coming up in the next few chapters. They can barely function without each other! Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I hadn't thought of it like that, but you're right - Cal and Ethan's feelings are very similar and theoretically I think they'd be able to empathise, but as you say, Cal is distancing himself from Ethan as much as he can. I want Cal to comfort Ethan too, but I think something big needs to happen first.

* * *

Ethan knew Max had failed even before he came to tell him so. Max was apologetic, but Ethan didn't blame him. Even Charlie, whom Cal saw almost as a father, had been unable to get through to him.

"Thanks for trying," whispered Ethan. "I do appreciate that. But you should probably go back to work now."

Max looked as though that was the last thing he wanted, but he seemed to realise Ethan was right. He gave Ethan a hug which Ethan lacked the energy to return and left him. Ethan sat with tears still falling until Lily arrived as promised, out of breath with her hands still slightly wet from washing them.

"I'm sorry I was so long," she said, sitting beside him and holding his hands in hers.

Ethan sniffed and shrugged. It wasn't as though he was important.

"Is there anything I can do?" asked Lily. "Anyone I can speak to? Anyone I can call?"

Ethan shrugged again.

Lily looked at him in concern. "I would like to do something. Have you spoken to Alicia's parents recently?"

Ethan shook his head. "They said… they'd phone," he said, his voice a choked whisper. "But… if Alicia said…"

"If Alicia said she didn't want you to know where she was, then perhaps her parents will respect that," said Lily. "However, it is unlikely she's made a request for them not to tell _me_. May I have their number, please, Ethan?"

Ethan handed over his phone. Lily found the number and typed it into her own phone. "Mrs Munroe? My name is Dr Chao. I am one of the senior doctors at Holby City Hospital. I have been trying to get in contact with Dr Munroe – it is very important that we should know if and when she is intending on returning to work at the hospital. I don't suppose you have any information on the subject?"

At one time, Ethan might have felt uncomfortable about Lily's abruptness, but he knew the Munroes were far more concerned with their own troubles than with Alicia. It didn't even bother him that Lily had described herself as a senior doctor when she was merely a junior registrar; after all, she was _Alicia's_ senior.

"You have no idea where she is at all?" said Lily. "I see. Thank you very much for your help, Mrs Munroe. If you have any further information, I request you get in touch either with me on this number or through the hospital switchboard. If you give your name, I'm sure they will put you through to somebody – perhaps to Mrs Beauchamp or Dr Gardner if I am not available. Thank you for your time and I am sorry for any distress you are feeling."

As Ethan had overheard Lily's half of the conversation, there was no need for Lily's regretful shake of the head as she turned back to him.

"We must not give up," said Lily, taking his hand again, her own dry now. "She could be with a friend or perhaps in a hotel."

"Travelodge," said Ethan suddenly. "When we went away together, we always went to a travelodge."

Lily looked unconvinced. "I doubt Alicia would choose to stay somewhere that has a special meaning for the two of you."

"But she might want to go somewhere familiar, where she knows how things work," argued Ethan.

"Perhaps, but she left in a hurry," said Lily. "It is likely she would have little choice of where she stayed."

"No. I really think I could be right about this," said Ethan. He could feel energy pulsating through him in a way he hadn't experienced since Alicia had left. "If I begin with the nearest travelodge, I'll soon find out where she's staying."

Lily continued to look very dubious, but all she said was: "I assume you still have no wish to call the police?"

"I was going to call them as she's been gone for a week now," said Ethan, his voice trembling. "But I don't really want to send the police after her. She hasn't done anything wrong."

"She has left you whilst pregnant with your baby and you feel she has done nothing wrong?" Lily's voice rose with incredulity.

"Nothing legally wrong," said Ethan as he picked up his phone and searched for the travelodge site. "She hasn't broken the law, Lily. Only my heart." He paused for a moment. "And Cal's."

* * *

Alicia held her keycard and purse in her hand as she made her way down to reception. There was a machine there containing drinks and junk food at ridiculous prices, but Alicia was hungry and thirsty enough not to care. It wasn't the kind of food she should be eating with a baby on the way, but she'd been crying for most of the day and hadn't felt up to either a trip to the supermarket or a meal in the restaurant.

She knew what she had to do. She'd known all along. But that didn't mean it was easy.

She walked over to the machine and looked at the prices. As her stay in Newport had been considerably longer than she'd anticipated (or at least longer than she'd told herself it would be), she'd had to go back to using her card to withdraw money, but Ethan would only know if he opened her bank statement and she couldn't imagine him doing that. He was too respectful of her privacy.

 _Oh, Ethan._ Alicia's eyes filled with tears. _I miss you. I love you._

"What was the name?" asked the receptionist.

Alicia jumped, then realised she was speaking to someone on the phone. Alicia dashed her hand across her eyes and returned her attention to the food machine, quickly choosing a bottle of water, a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar. She took a pound coin from her purse and started to put it into the slot.

"Alicia Munroe…" said the receptionist.

The coin fell from Alicia's grasp. The floor was carpeted and it made no sound, but if it had, Alicia wouldn't have heard it. All she could hear was her name, repeating over and over in her head.

"I'm sorry. There's no-one of that name here."

Of course there wasn't. Not when Alicia was booked in under the name of Lily Chao, but the experience had unsettled her and she decided she didn't want her snacks after all. She also didn't want to return to her room: while it would have made sense to scurry back up to safety and lock herself in, she felt a sudden desperation for fresh air.

"Excuse me!"

It was the receptionist. Alicia slowly turned, certain her secret had been discovered.

"You dropped your money, love."

"Thank you," whispered Alicia, unable to speak properly, but it wasn't unnatural to whisper when the other person was on the phone. Her hand shook as she picked up the coin. She hurried out of the travelodge.

She stood there for a moment, breathing deeply.

She was so glad she'd thought of booking under another name. If she hadn't, someone would know where she was.

But someone was obviously looking for her and was checking all the most likely places. Alicia felt frightened but also comforted.

It was nice to know that someone still cared.

* * *

Ethan let the phone drop into his lap. He let out a long sigh and flopped back against the sofa, his eyes closed.

"Don't give up yet, Ethan," said Lily.

"But it's hopeless!" said Ethan. "She could be anywhere. She could be with a friend who isn't on Alicia's facebook. Or someone who is but has been asked to lie. If she is in a hotel, she might not even be using her real name – and even if she is, half the places wouldn't tell me anything." He knew none of them should have told him anything at all. He'd said he was a doctor who was very concerned about a patient of his, but anyone could phone up and say that. In those circumstances, it would be up to the police to find her.

"Yes, I agree that there's little point in phoning any more hotels," said Lily. "But I'm sure there's something else you could do."

Ethan didn't answer at first, but then he sat up straighter. "I'll visit the hotels. I'll show them a picture of Alicia and ask if they recognise her. I'll know if they're lying. I'm sure I will."

"Ethan, that could take forever," said Lily.

"But I've got to do something!" burst out Ethan.

Lily touched his arm. "I understand that, but I'm really not sure there is anything you can do. Personally, I would contact the police. But there is one thing you could try before you do: does Alicia have a public SCA?"

"I…" Ethan struggled to think. "Yes, I think she does." He felt a chill. "So if she's been admitted to hospital, at least if it's under her real name, we'll know."

Lily nodded.

"But if she has been admitted to hospital," said Ethan, "then she's hurt or unwell!" His hand shot out and gripped Lily's. "I don't want her to be hurt or unwell! She already must be feeling so awful about what I've done to her. I don't want her to be-"

"What you've done to _her_?" echoed Lily disbelievingly. " _She_ is the one who left _you_ , Ethan."

"But… =I'm the one who gave our baby the gene," whispered Ethan.

Lily gave a soft gasp."You had the test."

Ethan nodded.

"And the result was… Ethan, I am so sorry." Lily held his hand tightly. Her eyes looked slightly shiny. "But this isn't your fault, any more than it was your mother's fault she had the gene."

"But she didn't know," said Ethan, his eyes filling. "I knew and I still chose to have a relationship with Alicia, knowing what could happen."

"But Alicia knew too," said Lily. "Didn't she?"

"Yes," said Ethan, feeling the first tear drip down his cheek.

"And she would be fully aware of the risk."

"But she wasn't," said Ethan. "I assumed she was because she's a doctor. But she didn't know the chances of my passing the gene to our child was 50%. It's all my fault, Lily, and I don't know what to do!"


	14. Chapter 14

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan phoned Alicia's parents a couple of chapters ago so they already know and I'm sure he broke the news much more gently than Lily would have done! Ethan definitely will see Alicia again. Probably in Chapter 16. So there's not long to wait.

 **InfinityAndOne** , the police are probably the only people with a real chance of finding Alicia and they would struggle considering she's booked in under Lily's name, but they'd probably find out she's been using her credit card. I really miss Lily and Ethan's friendship. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Ethan and Alicia do need each other! They're barely functioning without each other. It is nobody's fault, but it might be difficult to convince Ethan and Alicia of that. The trouble is, Alicia is starting to blame Ethan.

 **20BlueRoses** , it will be easier for Lily to support Ethan now she knows the full story. That's a really interesting idea about Lily telling Cal - I already have that part of the story planned and I'm not sure I can change it, but I do love the idea, so I'll look into it. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"I won't go," said Lily. "I'll tell Archie I can't leave you. He'll understand."

Ethan shook his head. "You can't give up your surprise holiday for me, Lily." His voice was hoarse from crying, which he'd done pretty much constantly since Elle had signed him off work two days before. He knew he was the right decision: he was no use at all to the hospital at present. No-one wanted a doctor who was liable to break down at the slightest provocation, or even when there was no provocation at all.

"We can go another time," said Lily. "I'll tell Archie I can't get the time off work for the third day. Dr Gardner did agree to it, but I know she was not happy. It's not convenient when you and... when we have two doctors unable to work. I told Archie when he gave me the surprise that it was very unlikely I'd be able to go."

"Please go," whispered Ethan, tears filling his eyes again. "Please don't make me feel guilty for that too."

Lily took Ethan's hand gently in hers. "Ethan, you mustn't think like that."

"But I do," wept Ethan.

Lily put her arms around him. Ethan knew she'd found hugging him awkward at first, but she was so used to it now, she seemed to do it almost without thought. She held him till his crying had calmed a little and then said: "If it will really make it worse if I stay, then I had better go. But Ethan, I want you to promise me you'll phone me if you need me."

Ethan sniffed. "I can't interrupt your holiday."

"It's not a suggestion," said Lily, with a determination Ethan lacked the strength to resist.

"Okay," he whispered, wiping his hand across his face. "I promise I'll call you if I need you. But please go and have a good time. You've been so kind to me. I want you to go with Archie and have fun. You deserve it."

* * *

Ethan hadn't wanted Lily to go. Even though she didn't know what to say and sometimes said completely the wrong thing, at least she cared enough to try.

Without her, he felt cast adrift and more unhappy and afraid than ever. Instead of longing to hear from Alicia, he began to fear she would make contact now, when he was alone and lacked the strength to bear whatever she wanted to say to him.

He knew Alicia wouldn't have good news for him. If she wanted to be with him, she would have come back by now.

And why would she come back after what he'd done to their baby?

That was the worst thing. Alicia could escape Ethan and live a life free of his contaminating presence; she would fall in love again and have more children. But she could never escape the Huntington's gene. Not now he'd given it to their child. A terrible secret like a ticking time bomb – and it was up to Alicia when the truth would be revealed; when she would shatter her child's world as the test result had shattered Ethan's.

Tears fell down Ethan's cheeks in a torrent. He'd ruined their baby's life. He'd ruined Alicia's life. How could he have imagined for a moment that she would come back to him?

And he'd ruined Cal's life too. He doubted Alicia would go back to Cal now. It would be too painful after what Ethan had done.

He felt so alone and he knew he would always be alone. He deserved to be alone.

He should have allowed Cal and Alicia to be happy.

A yearning for Cal rose up inside Ethan. It was stupid even to dream of it, but he wished his brother was there.

He grabbed his phone from his pocket and frantically speed-dialled Cal's number, but Cal's phone was still switched off.

Ethan left another message, more because he couldn't stop the words from bursting out of him than because he thought there was a chance Cal would listen. Then he collapsed forward onto the sofa, his face buried in the cushion, and cried as his heart splintered again.

* * *

"Are you sure, Lily?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

The fact they were still calling her Lily made it easier. She pretend it wasn't really happening to her; that it was Lily, the woman she still couldn't quite forgive, who was carrying Ethan's child; Lily who would have to cope with the pain of losing it.

The nurse handed her the mifepristone and a glass of water. Alicia held the tablet in her hand for a moment. It seemed impossible that one small tablet could do so much – though of course, the tablet didn't do very much on its own. If she took this tablet now and didn't return for her second appointment, she would be unlikely to lose the baby.

She still had a choice.

Alicia popped it into her mouth and swallowed it down.

"Okay, Lily. You're free to go now. If you vomit in the next hour, just give us a ring to let us know and then come straight back – the mifepristone might not be fully-absorbed into your blood, so we'll have to give you another dose. It's possible you'll experience pain and bleeding before you come back tomorrow – if so, make sure you use sanitary towels as tampons could cause infection. If you're in pain, take paracetamol or ibuprofen. Please don't take aspirin as it can cause additional bleeding. If you have any concerns, you've got our aftercare number."

Alicia let the words wash over her. They were spoken in such a matter-of-fact way as though she wasn't in the first stages of taking her baby's life. She wasn't sure if that was good or not. It went some way towards normalising the procedure, but Alicia still felt so alone.

She got up, smiled at the nurse and made her way outside. She knew what she was going to do. She would go home and make herself sick. Or she would go to the bar and drink enough to have the same effect. Perhaps it would be alcohol that saved her baby's life.

Alicia tried to laugh at the irony but realised she was crying instead.

* * *

Ethan opened his eyes and lay still for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. He told himself Alicia was lying asleep beside him; that they'd never spent a night apart since moving in together. That she hadn't been gone for over a week.

But he knew she wasn't there. From the first moment he awoke, he was assaulted by the blinding lights of the truth. Alicia had left him and it was all his fault. As long as he was awake, he could never forget.

He'd tried sleeping longer. He'd taken sleeping tablets to prolong the blissful unconsciousness, but they didn't work. In any case, unconsciousness wasn't always blissful. His dreams were more than tinged with reality and as far as he remembered, Alicia wasn't with him even then.

All the same, Ethan closed his eyes again, willing himself to go back to sleep, but it was no good. Another endless day stretched ahead of him with nothing to do but hate himself for driving away the two people he loved most.

* * *

Elle frowned when she saw Ethan coming towards her. "Ethan, what's wrong? Are you a patient?"

"No. I'm a doctor," said Ethan. "I want to treat my patients."

Elle took his arm. "Come to my office, Ethan." Instead of making him stand in front of the desk, she took him to the sofa at the side of her office and sat beside him. "Ethan, I hope you'll believe me when I say I'm truly sorry about Alicia, but I'm sure she'll come back. I knew from the first time I saw you together that you were meant to be."

 _Or meant to ruin each other's lives…_

No. That wasn't fair. Alicia hadn't ruined his life. He'd done it all himself.

"I want to come back to work, Dr Gardner," said Ethan. "I can understand why you signed me off and perhaps in your place, I'd do the same thing. But I can't spend another day on my own in that flat. The flat I chose with Alicia; decorated with Alicia; lived in with Alicia…" His voice quivered and he stopped speaking for a moment, regaining control. "But here, I can make a difference. I can't make my own life better, but please, let me do something to help other people."

Elle put her hand over his and rubbed it gently. "Is there no-one else you could stay with? A friend? Family?"

Ethan shook his head. "Lily's away. Cal isn't speaking to me."

"But you must have other friends," said Elle. "Max, Jez, Robyn…"

"Robyn's only a month or so away from giving birth," Ethan reminded her. "Even if we were close, this wouldn't be a good time to bother her with my problems. Max has been kind to me, but he and Jez are Cal's friends – and Robyn needs them more than I do."

Elle looked at him sadly. She took his hand and held it between both of hers. "Ethan, I'm really sorry, but I can't let you treat any patients."

Ethan let his head drop. He wasn't surprised. He knew Elle was right.

"But there's no reason why you shouldn't do some work towards your FCEM," said Elle. "I have lots of admin to do. You can help me by sorting out my in-tray and emails. It'll be good practice for your management viva."

Ethan didn't even know if he was taking his FCEM again. He'd missed four sittings since failing the exam. First he'd been too busy helping Cal to bring up little Matilda; then he'd been too busy stressing over what was wrong with Cal; then he'd been pretending to be Cal; then he'd been so desperately in love with Alicia, nothing else had mattered. He must have missed the deadline for the next sitting too. It hadn't seem at all important when he and Alicia had a baby on the way and a wedding to plan.

"You'll need to take it soon," said Elle. "You know they've changed the format of the exams? They've got rid of the MCEM and replaced it with FCEM Primary and Intermediate. If you don't retake the exam soon, your MCEM will cease to be valid and you might have to go back to the beginning and take your Primary and Intermediate before you can do your Advanced."

Ethan shook his head. "They won't do that. I've already taken FCEM once."

"Theoretically, they wouldn't, but you've missed so many sittings," said Elle. "That might count against you. Is it really worth the risk? And you know how expensive the exams are."

Ethan sighed. For the past year or so, becoming a consultant hadn't seemed to matter, but quite apart from the expense and inconvenience of taking more exams, he didn't know how much longer as a doctor he had left. "Okay. I'll do some admin. Thank you, Dr Gardner."

"It's 'Elle'," she said, not for the first time since becoming clinical lead. "Right. Let's get to work."


	15. Chapter 15

_I'm sorry if anyone is upset by the subject matter of this story. Maybe I should give warnings, but I hate giving spoilers. As the story is more established now, I will say: MENTIONS OF ABORTION._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Ethan really will be heartbroken when he finds out what Alicia has done - and he was heartbroken to begin with. But it is possible he won't find out if Alicia doesn't return to Holby. I think Lily can be a really good friend - it's sad a lot of people at the ED can't see that. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. If Alicia doesn't go back, she will probably lose the baby, but if she does go back, she can ask for the abortion to be reversed, though this isn't always successful and it is possible the first pill will have harmed the baby. It is really sad. If only she'd stayed in Holby and talked to someone. Even if she needed time away from Ethan, I'm sure her friends would have supported her.

 **InfinityAndOne** , Ethan really isn't fit for work, but at least Elle is keeping him away from the patients for now. I bet she wishes Lily had cancelled her holiday! I've just realised how short-staffed they are without Ethan, Alicia, Lily and presumably Connie. I'm really glad you have sympathy for Alicia. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Gingersnaps2507** for the favourite and **Inanity1** for the follow._

* * *

Alicia knew nothing was set in stone yet.

She'd chosen not to make herself sick last night; she'd chosen not to drink alcohol.

But that didn't mean she'd lose her baby. If Alicia didn't go back to the centre today, her baby might be fine. She would be able to continue with her pregnancy – some pregnancies continued even if the medical abortion was completed. She could go back to Ethan and tell him she was sorry and she loved him and that all she wanted was to be a family.

Alicia deliberately put her bag down on the bed. She sat down and removed her jacket and shoes.

She wasn't going. It was that simple. She wouldn't be the first patient not to show up for their second appointment. It probably happened all the time. It was inconvenient, but the nurses would definitely understand all about second thoughts. They probably saw it happen a lot. In fact, if Alicia went to her appointment and confessed that she was having second thoughts, they'd probably talk her out of continuing with the abortion until she was clear in her mind about what she wanted.

So she wouldn't go.

Alicia folded her arms across her stomach. Her baby would be fine. Everything would be fine.

But she knew that wasn't true. Even with just the mifepristone inside her, the pregnancy would almost certainly cease to be viable. Even if she didn't bleed, her baby would probably die. Her best hope - her only real hope - was to go back to the clinic and ask for the abortion to be reversed. All they needed to do was give her another tablet. Then she could go back to Ethan with her baby and no-one would never know.

But if she went back there, would she be strong enough to ask?

And was that what she really wanted?

* * *

"And then… and then…" Ethan's mind had gone fuzzy. He had no idea why he'd decided Elle should deal with this particular letter next. He couldn't even remember what the letter was about. Was it one of the complaints? Or was it the letter from a relative, thanking Elle and her team for doing their very best for her mother?

Ethan couldn't remember.

He picked up the letter and looked at it, but the type seemed to be blurred. He moved it closer to his face, wondering if he'd taken his glasses off without realising, but it didn't help. He put the letter down again, then he took off his glasses and wiped his eyes.

"I think you need a break, Ethan," said Elle quietly.

Ethan shook his head. He hadn't been there for that long. It couldn't be time for a break already. "I'm fine. I'm sorry." He put his glasses back on. "I can do this."

Elle looked a bit doubtful, but she picked up the letter and looked at it. "it's a complaint against Nurse Tyler, who was allegedly very rude and unprofessional towards a patient," she prompted him.

"Oh.. yes…" Ethan remembered it now.

"Unfortunately, from the quotes given, I find it all too easy to believe this did happen exactly as described," said Elle. "But we can't assume it's true just because we suspect Louise is capable of this. Even if Louise has done this before, it that doesn't prove she's done it again."

"No…" said Ethan, who'd lost the thread of the conversation. "It doesn't."

"So how would you say I need to approach the problem?" asked Elle.

Ethan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, desperately trying to coax his brain into working order. "Um… we need to talk to Louise. We need to hear her side of the story. We should also find out who else was working with them and ask them about it."

"Absolutely right," said Elle. Her smile held more than a hint of relief. "Louise is usually very honest about what she's said and done, but we do need to hear from everyone. The letter mentions Dr Knight, but it's likely other nurses were present and perhaps another doctor as well."

Ethan nodded. He'd have hoped that any doctor would have reported or at least spoken to anyone who spoke to the patient as Louise was alleged to have done, but he could imagine Cal letting it go. Cal hadn't shown much interest in anything since he'd lost Alicia A – though even before that, he'd certainly have kept quiet if he'd thought Louise's response was justified, no matter how unprofessional it was.

Nobody liked reporting their colleagues. Ethan perhaps liked it less than most and had only done it a few times in his career. Even when he did report someone, he preferred to think of it as expressing a concern rather than getting them into trouble. In fact, he asked for his statement to be kept off the record if possible, though not many clinical leads were happy to go along with that.

But with Cal, it was often more about laziness than reluctance to get someone into trouble. He didn't want all the time and paperwork that came with making an official report.

It wouldn't have surprised Ethan at all if he'd let Louise get away with something she should have been reprimanded for at the very least.

But how could Ethan be sure why Cal had done it? Was it because that was what he always did? Or was he too upset by what Cal and Alicia had done to care?

 _Is everything my fault?_ wondered Ethan as he took his glasses off and put his head in his hands.

* * *

Alicia lay on the bed, her eyes closed and her fists clenched by her sides. _I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this to my baby._

Whatever Ethan had done to their child, wasn't what she was planning even worse?

Or was it really the rescue mission she'd tried to persuade herself it was?

 _No. I can't do it. When the nurse comes back, I'm going to tell her I want to reverse the abortion. That's the only reason I'm here._

The nurse entered the room. "Here you are, Lily. Sorry I was so long."

She was holding a selection of tablets. Alicia had taken her own painkillers as advised, but the centre provided antiemetics and antibiotics as well as the second abortion tablet.

There would be more tablets to take later. Four more antibiotic tablets – a different kind this time. And painkillers. She would need lots of painkillers.

Alicia took the antiemetics and antibiotics. Then she held out her hand for the four misoprostol tablets.

"Put them all between your cheek and gum, like I said," said the nurse. "Then you'll need to stay where you are until the tablets have completely dissolved – try not to poke them with your tongue or move them around in any way. Just leave them where they are. You should know when they're gone."

Alicia knew the nurse probably wouldn't stay with her for the whole time. She'd be able to spit the tablets out.

If that was what she wanted.

She knew she didn't want a baby with Huntington's. It was a terrible disease and while there was a lot of research going on, Alicia knew they couldn't guarantee a cure that was in time to save her baby. Although the baby probably wouldn't start developing symptoms until their late 30s or early 40s, some people developed it very early, as children. Their life span was very short.

Her child would suffer so much – and so would Alicia. She'd treated people with Huntington's and with other debilitating conditions. Even that had been emotionally draining. She had so much respect and admiration for their carers, who looked after them every day. She'd always believed she wouldn't be strong enough, though she'd decided to take the risk with Ethan because she loved him so much.

Taking a risk with her baby seemed like something else.

Alicia put the tablet between her cheek and gum.

"That's right, Lily. Give me a shout if you need anything."

 _The only thing I need is courage,_ thought Alicia. _The courage to be able to do the right thing._

* * *

Ethan lifted his head from his hands. "I'm sorry." He felt in his pocket for a tissue. He'd known he wouldn't get through the day without crying. _Oh, Alicia, I miss you... I'm so sorry..._

"No, don't apologise," said Elle. "You've done nothing wrong. You've been through a lot, Ethan. Anyone would be upset if they were going through what you're going through with Cal and Alicia."

"I thought nothing would be worse than seeing Cal and Alicia together." Ethan wiped his nose. "But this is worse. Not knowing where Alicia is; not knowing if I'll ever meet my baby. Not knowing if my brother will ever forgive me."

"I'm sure he'll forgive you," said Elle, but Ethan could tell she wasn't sure at all. "And I'm sure Alicia will come back."

Ethan didn't think so. "What am I going to do?"

"Have you tried looking for her?" asked Elle.

"Of course I have," wept Ethan. "I've spoken to her friends and family. I've phoned all the travelodges for miles around. No-one's seen her – at least, that's what they told me. I don't know what else I can do."

Elle stroked his arm. "Have you thought about calling the police?"

Ethan wiped his eyes. "Yes. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. Alicia's an adult. If she wants to leave me, she has every right to. She's not breaking any laws."

"Well… she has been absent from her job for over a week without explanation," said Elle.

"You can't blame her for that," said Ethan brokenly. "I mean… I'm sorry. Of course you can. I can't tell you how to do your job. But knowing what I've done to her child… I can't imagine how awful that must feel."

"Ethan, you didn't do anything to her child," said Elle. "Alicia knew there was a risk."

"She didn't know how much risk."

"But she knew the risk existed and she could have found out how great a risk there was," said Elle.

Ethan looked at the floor. "We weren't trying for a child. It just happened. Maybe if we had discussed it… well, if we had discussed it, I would have mentioned it; I'd have asked if she'd rather have preimplantation genetic diagnosis. That would have been my choice. But as it turned out, we didn't get a choice at all."


	16. Chapter 16

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. It is a horrible decision to make. We are lucky to have healthy children. Perhaps that's one reason why you're expected to make the decision before taking the test, though I still think it's wrong.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. It is horrible for both of them. Ethan is probably imagining all sorts of terrible things, but one thing he probably hasn't considered is that Alicia might be having an abortion. I'm sure he'd feel even worse if he didn't have so much support.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you enjoyed reading the chapter.

 **InfinityAndOne** , it really is a horrible decision, but at least if Ethan was there, they would be able to support each other. At least, I hope so - if Alicia is still partly blaming Ethan, it could be even worse, but it is Ethan's baby. You'll find out Alicia's decision very soon.

 **Tanith Panic** , I didn't have much choice about stopping it there - the chapter would have been too long! But you'll find out what happened now. It is sad writing about Cal hating Ethan, but it is understandable. I've only seen one recent episode, but I'm completely confused by Cal and Ethan's relationship now. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **westlife4ever80** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Alicia was shivering hard as she walked into the travelodge. She felt as though she might throw up. The taxi driver had been worried about her and had wanted to take her to hospital. When she'd refused, he'd insisted on taking her right up to the door of the hotel.

His kindness had almost made Alicia cry. Perhaps he didn't know what went on in the place where he'd picked her up from, but perhaps he simply didn't judge others.

Alicia wished there were more people in the world like that.

She walked past reception and made her way to the lift. She normally did take the lift, but she couldn't have managed the stairs the way she was feeling now. She was shivering so hard, she knew everyone who saw her would notice; it was far too warm outside for the weather to be a reasonable explanation.

She only hoped she'd get to her room before the nausea became any worse.

She hated herself. How could she even have thought about killing her baby?

 _Ethan's_ baby.

"Alicia?!"

Alicia had always had doubts about whether things ever really happened in slow motion, but at that moment, it happened for her. It seemed to take an age for her to turn towards reception and meet the eyes of the real Lily Chao. For a long time, they just seemed to stare at one another. Lily looked shocked and disbelieving; Alicia mostly felt horror.

How had Lily found her? Had she guessed she was using her name? Or was it merely a horrible coincidence?

Alicia knew she should run, but she couldn't. Her feet seemed fixed to the floor. All she could do was stand and wait as Lily walked towards her and came to a stop, the shock on her face so obvious, Alicia realised Lily hadn't been expecting to see her here at all.

And then the pain began.

Alicia had known it would happen soon. The shivering and nausea were the first signs. She'd hoped the pain wouldn't start until she was safely in her hotel room, but she'd never imagined it might happen in front of someone she knew.

"Alicia, are you all right?" Lily was instantly the competent doctor. She put her hand on Alicia's arm. "What is it? Are you in pain?"

Alicia couldn't answer. She clutched at her stomach. Her nausea increased and she vomited on the floor. "I'm sorry," she said, realising how inadequate the words were. Not just for dirtying the floor but for everything she'd done; everything she was going to have to tell Ethan.

"Archie, please phone for an ambulance," said Lily briskly. She lowered her voice, but not enough. "I believe Alicia might be having a miscarriage."

Archie got his phone out at once.

"No," whispered Alicia.

Lily put her arm around her. "I'm very sorry, Alicia. I hope I'm wrong. There are other reasons for pain during pregnancy. But it is a possibility and you must be prepared. Archie, call the ambulance, please."

It was hard to speak, but Alicia managed it. "Please. Don't call."

"I could take you in my car," said Archie. "I'll put something down on the seats so it won't matter if you bleed."

"No!" Alicia's teeth were chattering. It might have been with fear, but she didn't think she'd ever felt so cold. Tears began to pour down her cheeks.

Lily was actually hugging her. "It's all right, Alicia. Don't be frightened. Archie and I are here. But we know what's best and we need you to listen to us and go to the hospital. I believe it isn't far from here."

One of the receptionists appeared, carrying a chair. "Would you like to sit down, Dr Chao?"

Lily turned to her in irritation. "Why on earth would I want to…" She stopped and turned to look at Alicia. Lily was far from stupid. "You used my name."

Alicia didn't reply. There was no point in denying it and her tummy was hurting so much. Her _baby_ was hurting.

"I suppose you were concerned Ethan might look for you," said Lily, as she helped Alicia to sit down. She knelt down in front of her, taking Alicia's cold hands in hers. "But we can't worry about that now. We need to get you to a hospital. Whether we go in Archie's car or an ambulance is your choice, but you are going to hospital. I will not let you lose Ethan's baby."

Alicia cringed away from her words. She sobbed harder.

That was exactly what she was doing. She'd thought of it as aborting her baby, but of course it wasn't just hers. She was aborting _Ethan's_ baby.

"I know those words are difficult to hear," said Lily. "I wish I did not have to say them. But you are not facing this alone. I will call Ethan and ask him to meet us at the hospital. Archie, would you mind bringing the car to the entrance?" She turned to the receptionist. "Would you permit that in the circumstances?"

"Yes, of course," said the receptionist rather shakily. "Is there anything else I can do?"

"Perhaps a bowl so, er, Dr Chao doesn't need to use the floor again," said Lily.

"I'll see what I can find," said the receptionist, and departed.

Archie bent down and kissed Lily's forehead. "I'll go and get the car, darling."

"Thank you." Lily watched him go, then squeezed Alicia's hands. "I'm sure he will be as quick as he can. I know the last thing you want is to answer questions, but can you tell me how long you've been having this pain?"

"Not till after I saw you," sobbed Alicia.

"That is good," said Lily. "That increases your baby's chance. I know it will be difficult, but I need you to keep as calm as possible. You are in very good hands and soon you will be at the hospital. Now I will phone Ethan." She took her phone from her bag.

"No!" begged Alicia.

Lily looked at her questioningly. "No?"

* * *

Elle spoke kindly to Ethan. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I know you want to be here and I can understand that, but you're obviously not in any frame of mind to work. I wouldn't really expect you to be after what happened, but… you know I can't let you stay here, don't you?"

Ethan sniffed. "I can help you with the admin."

"I don't think you can even do that," said Elle regretfully. "You obviously understand what to do, but we're not getting through it quickly enough. It's not your fault and I do understand, but you need to go home, Ethan."

"But I don't want to go home," said Ethan through more tears. "It's her home. _Our_ home. We chose it together. Lived in it together."

Elle put her arm around him. "I know, Ethan. I'm so sorry. Is there nowhere else you could go? A friend's house? Family?"

Ethan shook his head, sniffling. "Cal's still not speaking to me. I know I can't expect him to forgive me for what I did. I know it was awful. But I need him so badly. I want my brother, Elle!"

* * *

Alicia was sobbing as Lily helped her onto the bed. The doctor had asked questions which Lily had answered. Lily was being so supportive. Alicia would never have expected it, but she was so glad Lily was there.

Lily had been so kind. She'd even agreed not to call Ethan. She clearly didn't agree with Alicia's decision, but she respected it. Alicia had let her believe that when she was discharged, she would allow Archie and Lily to drive her back to Holby and Alicia would break the sad news to Ethan in person, but she wasn't going to do that. She would slip away somehow and leave the hospital. She couldn't go back to the travelodge as that would be one of the first places Lily and Archie would look, but she had her handbag with her. She would be able to replace everything she'd left behind.

And then she would have to lose her baby all alone…

 _But that wouldn't be a problem_ , Alicia told herself. _That's what I was going to do anyway. Nothing has changed._

One of the nurses handed Alicia a tissue and stroked her arm. "Are you sure there's no-one we can call for you, lovely?"

"No, thank you," whispered Alicia as she wiped her eyes, only for more tears to fall almost immediately.

The doctor was speaking to her, explaining what was she was going to do, but Alicia couldn't take anything in. She knew the doctor wouldn't know she'd had an abortion unless they scanned for it specifically and there was no reason for them to do that. They'd think it was a miscarriage. No-one in the room had any reason to doubt that.

The door opened and a nurse entered. She went over to the doctor and spoke softly; almost inaudibly but not quite. "Dr Sawyer, could I have a word, please?"

"Of course." Dr Sawyer covered Alicia up. "Excuse me, Alicia. I'll be one moment."

Alicia nodded and lowered her head, more tears dripping down her cheeks.

Lily put her arm around her. "I am here, Alicia. I know I'm probably the last person you want to be with you. But I will do everything I can."

Alicia sobbed harder. She didn't know if she felt better or worse when Lily tentatively stroked her hair. Alicia knew she didn't deserve her kindness.

Dr Sawyer came back into the room. "I'm sorry, Lily. I need to talk to Alicia alone."

"Is that all right, Alicia?" asked Lily. "If you wish me to remain, you may request that."

Alicia glanced at the doctor and felt a chill. What if she knew? What if she'd guessed somehow? "I'll be all right, Lily. Thank you. Why don't you get yourself a coffee or something?"

"If you're sure." Lily gave Alicia a rather awkward hug and left the room. Alicia turned away from Dr Sawyer and wiped her eyes and nose. She told herself there was no reason to worry. It was impossible that anyone could have guessed.

Dr Sawyer waited patiently till Alicia had turned back to her. "Alicia, I've just looked at your Summary Care Record."

 _But there wouldn't be anything on there. I told them my name was Lily Chao._

"I understand your baby tested positive for Huntington's and that your plan was to have an abortion, though there's no record of an appointment. Alicia, I'm so sorry about your baby and for asking this question, but I need to ask it. Have you had an abortion?"


	17. Chapter 17

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. It's a horrible decision to make. Alicia and Ethan should have made the decision together, but however you deal with the situation, it's going to feel so awful.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I've only seen one episode with Ruth in, but I really like her. It's sad she had to go through that - and then Tess aborted Fletch's baby too. Cal will only realise Nibbles needs him if someone tells him what's going on, but there are a couple of people who might do that.

 **20BlueRoses** , it will be heartbreaking if it's too late - you'll find out in this chapter what the baby's chances are. I think Alicia's feelings were always very mixed about abortion. It's a difficult situation for Lily. She probably does feel more loyalty to Ethan than to Alicia. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I agree Lily did well - she's had a shock and it's not as though she really likes Alicia, but she knew what was important and what wasn't. There is no right or wrong answer, though Alicia might feel both answers are wrong. And that's true - if the baby is saved, it still has Huntington's. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , I'm sure Alicia appreciates Lily's support, but as you say, Lily doesn't know the full truth and Alicia has no idea how she'll react if she does. I think Lily's professionalism is helping her through, but Ethan is a very close friend and that could change things. Poor Ethan is all alone! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Alicia was sobbing hard as Dr Sawyer told her there was no hope for her baby. "There's nothing we can do, Alicia. I'm so very sorry for your loss."

She seemed to mean it, but that didn't make Alicia feel any better. She accepted another tissue from the nurse and covered her face with it, unable to meet the doctor's eyes.

Dr Sawyer spoke tentatively. "Would you like me to find Lily?"

"She doesn't know," wept Alicia. She could feel the nurse's arm around her, but it did nothing. It couldn't make this better; nothing could. "No-one knows. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want my baby to have the kind of life Huntington's would give her."

Dr Sawyer spoke gently. "Of course you didn't, Alicia. No mother would want that."

"I'm not a mother!" snivelled Alicia. "I'm a monster. A murderer."

"No, Alicia. That's not true. You were in a very difficult situation and you had to make a decision."

"But I didn't even tell Ethan!" wailed Alicia. "He'll never forgive me for this. Never. And he'd be right not to. I'll never forgive myself."

The noises she made as she cried barely sounded human, but that only seemed right. She wasn't human. No human could do as she had done.

"Are you sure you don't want me to find Lily?" asked Dr Sawyer. "You need your friends and if Lily is a good friend..."

Alicia didn't know what to say to that. She'd never considered Lily a friend and she doubted Lily considered her a friend, but she'd been lovely today. If only Alicia could keep the truth from her...

But she couldn't do that. Lily would have to know. Everyone would have to know. If she let everyone think it was a miscarriage, she and Ethan would be given equal sympathy - unless Alicia was given more.

She spoke in a small, broken voice. "Please find Lily for me."

Lily appeared a few minutes later. She held Alicia tightly and sounded close to tears as she told Alicia how sorry she was. "We'll take you back to Holby. You need to be with Ethan."

"No, I can't!" wailed Alicia.

"Alicia, he will need to know," said Lily gently. "He'll want to be there for you and he'll need you to be there for him."

"You don't understand!" cried Alicia, turning to face her. Her sobs were forcing themselves out through her throat. Her eyes felt sore from all the tears she was still shedding and her nose was running. She knew she looked a mess and she was a mess. There was no way back for her. She could never change what she had done.

Alicia blew her nose noisily, not caring who might see or hear. She was a horrible person and soon they'd all know the truth. "Tell her!" she begged the doctor through a flood of tears. "Tell her everything!"

Dr Sawyer spoke hesitantly. "Lily, Alicia recently discovered her baby was carrying the Huntington's gene."

"Yes: I know this," said Lily with a touch of impatience as she rubbed Alicia's shoulder awkwardly.

"It is usual in this circumstances to abort a baby who carries the gene," said Dr Sawyer gently.

"But Alicia did not," said Lily, before turning to look at Alicia.

Alicia couldn't speak.

Shock filled Lily's face. "You did it, didn't you? Without Ethan's consent; behind Ethan's back…"

Alicia felt more tears falling.

Lily jerked sharply away from her. "How could you do it? If you and Ethan had decided this together, then of course you would have my full support. I would never judge anyone who made that decision. But to do this without Ethan's knowledge…"

"I…"

"You will come back to Holby with us now!" said Lily with tears in her eyes. "Then I will give you twenty-four hours. When the twenty-four hours is up, I will go to Ethan. If he does not know what you've done, I will tell him. Have I made myself quite clear, Dr Munroe?"

* * *

Elle walked Ethan out to the car park, her arm around him. He appreciated her attempt at comfort, though it didn't actually help. Nothing would help. If she wasn't there to guide him, he would probably have walked out in front of a car and if it weren't for his baby, that would have seemed like the best option.

Elle stopped Ethan when he was on the point of walking right past his car. "Are you sure you'll be okay to drive?"

"I'll be fine," said Ethan. He dabbed his eyes. "Thank you for everything you've done."

"We're all here for you, Ethan," said Elle, and hugged him.

Ethan didn't usually like to be hugged by anyone but Alicia, but he was grateful for Elle's support. He imagined his mums might have hugged him like this if they'd been here.

* * *

Alicia sat on the back seat of Archie's car and wept as Archie drove them back to Holby. She'd wanted to run away, but she didn't have the strength. Not now she'd been told there was really no hope.

Beside her, Lily was crying quietly too as she tried to comfort Alicia. She'd apologised for her angry outburst almost immediately, but Alicia didn't blame Lily for her harsh words this time. She agreed with them. She'd behaved despicably and she could never hope for Ethan's forgiveness; only that he might somehow find peace.

She lifted her head from her hands and caught sight of Archie's concerned face in the mirror. The fact she'd ruined Lily and Archie's holiday seemed small in comparison with the fact she'd ruined Ethan's life, but she still felt guilty. She was glad she'd helped Lily and Archie to get together; it seemed like the one good thing she'd done since coming back to Holby, but perhaps they'd have got together without her intervention.

Lily… she was the good person of the two of them. Not Alicia. She'd bullied Alicia, but Alicia knew now how sharp the pain of grief could be; how it could cause you to do things you would never usually consider, or at least rob you of the strength to resist. Lily had used the experience to become a better person. Alicia had used it as an excuse to become a worse person. She'd destroyed Ethan's relationship with Cal. Now, when Ethan was about to learn his fiancée had killed his child, he wouldn't have his brother's comfort and that was Alicia's doing too.

"There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, Alicia, but you are doing the right thing," said Lily. "And I'm sure you and Ethan can come through this."

But Alicia knew she wasn't sure at all.

* * *

Ethan sat on the sofa and stared out in front of him. He wasn't crying now. His tears seemed all dried up and gone. All he could do was sit there and stare and wonder how he'd ever find the strength to move again. There was no reason to move; no reason to live. He'd lost everyone he'd ever loved and while Matilda and Emilie's deaths were in no way Ethan's fault, he felt as though they were. Perhaps if he hadn't gone to work that day, he'd have been with Matilda and she could have hung on for a little bit longer. Perhaps if he'd helped Cal to care for Emilie, she wouldn't have contracted pneumonia and he would have had more time with her.

If he'd let Alicia be with Cal, perhaps they would be happy now and have a baby on the way who was free from disease. It had been selfish and cruel of Ethan even to consider a relationship with Alicia. She'd been happy with Cal. Cal had been happy with Alicia. If only Ethan had kept his stupid mouth shut; if only he hadn't let his bitterness over Cal stealing his idea take control.

Alicia would have been happy then. She could never be happy now.

And then Ethan heard a key in the door.

It seemed impossible. Nobody had a key but him and Alicia; he'd asked Cal to take one of his spares (a ridiculous idea: apart from how much it must have hurt Cal, he would only have lost it), but he'd simply turned his back on Ethan and walked away.

Ethan allowed himself to turn towards the door. "Alicia!"

He ran to her. Her eyes and nose were red from crying; her hair was matted and looked unwashed; she was clearly exhausted.

But she was still his Alicia and she could only ever look beautiful to him.

He took her in his arms and she started sobbing. Ethan was crying too. "Don't cry, darling. Please don't cry. Everything's okay now. I love you."

Alicia continued to cry, her legs buckling. Ethan picked her up and carried her to the sofa as he'd once believed he would carry her over the threshold – and perhaps he still would. He held her tightly, stroking her greasy hair and finding it as beautiful as ever.

"I love you, Alicia. I love you," wept Ethan. "And I'm so, so sorry for what I've done to our baby. I will do everything I can to support both of you."

"Oh, Ethan." Alicia let go of him and sat back, her hands pressed to her mouth as she tried to suppress her sobs, but they came out anyway: great, almost ugly sounds of despair that were almost groans.

Ethan put his arms around her. "Alicia, I'm here, sweetheart, and I love you. And I love our baby. I'll do everything I can to be a good dad."

Alicia's crying was now a high, keening sound. It made Ethan shiver, but he didn't let go of her. Then she gave a cry of pain and let go of him, clutching at her stomach.

"Alicia, what is it?" said Ethan in horror. "We'd better get you to the ED."

Alicia shook her head sadly, tears still pouring.

"Alicia, it might be the baby."

Alicia threw her head back and opened his mouth. A terrible screech reached Ethan's ears; his whole body vibrated in response.

This wasn't physical pain. Or not entirely.

"Alicia, please tell me what's wrong!" he begged. "Please, Alicia. You've got to tell me."

Alicia slowly lifted her head. The strength seemed to go from her body. She collapsed forwards and landed in a heap, half across Ethan's lap. He tried to lift her up so he could hug her properly.

"No, Ethan! Don't touch me; you don't want to touch me…"

Ethan let go of her. "Alicia?" There was a darkness around him. A darkness descending.

When she spoke, it wasn't even a surprise. "Ethan. I've had an abortion."


	18. Chapter 18

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Ethan really will be devastated. He loves his baby so much and I don't think he ever considered aborting it. He'd be devastated to lose his baby in any circumstances, but this will hurt him so much. Thank you for your review.

 **Anon** , thank you for your review. I'm so happy you're enjoying the story. I actually don't really like Ethan and Alicia together, but I thought the story would work best with Alicia. But I am genuinely relieved she has so much sympathy - I didn't want her to be a villain. She's in such a horrible situation. She doesn't deserve this.

 **InfinityAndOne** , you can find out how Ethan takes the news right now! Or almost right now. It might take him just a little while to process it. It is a horrible situation for Alicia - it must be so terrifying and it would be really difficult to discuss her fears and uncertainties with Ethan when the gene came from him. It's probably also very human to blame him a little bit, though I don't think Alicia thought much about blame only about her baby. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I think Lily was probably thinking of Ethan; that he'd want to go through this with Alicia so he can support her and also be there for the baby's last few moments. Time is very limited. I think everyone respects Alicia's choice, but they're upset she did it without consulting Ethan.

 **westlife4ever80** , I'm glad you agree with Lily. She might not have worded it in the best way (Lily doesn't always have a way with words), but I don't think Ethan has done anything to forfeit his right to know - Alicia knew he had Huntington's, if not the implications of it. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan stared at her, shaking his head. "No. No, you haven't."

It was impossible. She wouldn't do that. She loved him and she loved their baby.

"Yes, I have," whispered Alicia.

"It's not an abortion, darling. It's a threatened miscarriage," said Ethan. "And that's not your fault. You know it's not."

"Ethan, I'm so sorry," wept Alicia. "I love you so much."

Ethan brushed some of the tears from her cheeks. "I love you too, darling, and it's okay. A threatened miscarriage isn't the same as an actual miscarriage. Let's go to the ED: I'm sure they'll do everything they can to help."

He knew it wasn't that simple. It wasn't always possible to prevent a miscarriage, but he couldn't think about that right now. He'd got Alicia back, but the idea of losing their baby… he wouldn't accept it. As long as there was hope, Ethan would cling to it with all his strength.

He had to.

Alicia shook her head violently, her breath coming in gasps.

Ethan trembled. "What? What is it?"

"Too late," snivelled Alicia, rubbing her hand across her nose. "The baby… I went to the hospital… it's too late…"

Ethan stared at her. "Then… our baby…" The anguish finally hit him. Tears poured down his cheeks, but he wrapped his arms around Alicia and held her tightly. He didn't know how they could cope with this, but they would have to. Together. "It's not your fault, darling. I promise. Did you go to our ED? Maybe they'll try harder. There's still a chance."

"Ethan, why can't you just listen?" cried Alicia, pushing him away. "It's not a miscarriage! I had an abortion! I killed our baby!" She broke down sobbing again.

"But…why, Alicia? Why?" Ethan moaned the words. "Why would you do that?"

Alicia looked at him for a moment, pain in her eyes.

"Why, Alicia?" There was something in Ethan's mind, pushing to get through. He already knew why. But as long as he didn't allow himself to think it, there was still hope he was wrong.

"Because of the Huntington's," whispered Alicia. Her sobs were harsh and grating. Ethan half-reached out a hand to comfort her, then he drew it away again.

It was his fault.

His fault…

Ethan jumped to his feet. Alicia gasped his name, but he didn't look back. He ran to the door and tore it open. He raced down the stairs, almost falling down them in his anxiety to get away.

She'd killed their baby because of him…

A howl broke from Ethan's lips as he finally reached the bottom of the stairs. He was vaguely aware of people standing in the hall, but he rushed past them without looking to see who they were. He ran to his car but realised he didn't have his keys. He screamed out and drove his fist hard into the roof of the car. He had a feeling it hurt, but he barely felt it. The pain in his heart was so much worse.

He turned and ran from the car park. He was soon struggling to breathe, but he kept on going. The tears poured down his face and he heard exclamations; concerned questions; felt hands on his arms, but he brushed everyone aside and ran on.

Away from the lives he'd destroyed.

* * *

Alicia tried convincing herself this was all a dream; that at any moment, she would wake up in bed with Ethan beside her.

Then she pain wracked her again and she knew it was no dream. Her baby was dying and she was the one who'd killed it.

She couldn't stay here. Not in the happy home she and Ethan had created together. She thought first of going to Lily, but Lily was Ethan's friend and although she'd been very kind, Alicia couldn't ask any more of her.

She felt the pain again as left the flat. As she rode downward in the lift, she felt her whole life plummeting with it. She knew she would never return here. She couldn't. She didn't want to see the home she and Ethan had chosen together; she didn't want to see what she'd lost.

There were people standing in the foyer. They looked concerned; they'd probably seen Ethan too. One took a half-step towards her, but Alicia shook her head, still sobbing, and ran out to the car park. Her car was there and so was Ethan's, but he wasn't inside it. Alicia looked at it for a moment and rested her hand on the handle, knowing Ethan must have touched it so many times. Then she got into her own car and drove away.

* * *

Cal hadn't expected it and he didn't want it, but when the woman started kissing him, he didn't have the strength to stop. He kissed her back, his hands running feverishly over her back, but he was on auto-pilot. He felt nothing for her.

When the woman suggested going back to his, he didn't argue. What was the point? He was going to be miserable if he went home with or without her; at least this way he'd be making someone happy.

He drove them home, barely noticing her hand on his thigh. He did notice when it slipped between his legs, but that only made him sad because it reminded him of how it felt when Alicia did that.

He parked the car and they went to the flat. In the lift, the woman grabbed his head in her hands and pushed him back against the wall. He waited for the excitement and of course there was some, but at the same time, he wanted it to be over. He wanted her to go.

Her hand trailed down his chest and over his stomach. She found the zip of his jeans and played with it, a smile on her face.

The lift doors opened. She pouted slightly and walked out of the lift. "So which one's your flat?"

"This way," said Cal, trying to forget all the times he'd walked from the lift to the door with Ethan. Often, they'd argued, each driven to distraction by the behaviour of their brother. The arguments were inevitable then when they'd been so different. He'd often wished Ethan was more like him – little knowing his wish would come back to bite him. Hard.

 _Be careful what you wish for_ , thought Cal as he unlocked the door of the flat.

But he couldn't help wishing anyway.

 _I wish Ethan was here._

* * *

Alicia almost fell out of her car and stumbled up the path to the house. The pain was worse and she walked slightly hunched over, trying not to cry out. She rang the bell and waited, half-leaning against the door, more tears running down her cheeks as she whispered: "Please open the door. Please be at home."

The door opened and Louise was there. She looked at Alicia in shock. A second later, her nursing instincts had taken over and she was helping Alicia through to the living room, gently coaxing her to keep going; telling her she was nearly there.

Louise helped her to sit down and then sat beside her, hugging Alicia tightly. Her simple affection made Alicia cry harder. Lily had hugged her earlier; the nurse had hugged her in the hospital, but Alicia hadn't known if they'd wanted to hug her or simply felt it was expected of them. Louise's hug was full of affection and friendship: something Alicia wasn't sure she'd ever experience again.

"I'm really glad you're back, Alicia, but I'm worried about you," said Louise. "You look like you're in pain."

Alicia nodded. Another pain tore through her abdomen and she cried out, leaning forward, her hands over her mouth.

Louise ran to get a bowl, putting it on Alicia's lap just in time. Louise held her hair and stroked her shoulder, reassuring Alicia everything would be okay.

"I'll just empty this, then I'll be right back."

Alicia buried her face in her hands. She heard the taps running as Louise rinsed out the bowl, then she returned to Alicia and sat beside her, gently taking her hands in hers. "I don't want to frighten you, babe, but I really think I need to take you to the ED."

* * *

Ethan stumbled into the lift, his body shaking with quivering sobs. They forced their way out of his throat as small but painful breaths of air that barely gave him time to inhale in between. He felt his legs buckle and he sat down hard on the floor of the lift, burying his face in his knees and letting his tears soak into his trousers.

 _My baby… my baby…_

The lift stopped. Standing up seemed almost too much. Ethan crawled out onto the hard floor. It felt cold under his hands, but he wanted to lie down on it and never get up.

Ethan crawled to the wall and pulled himself upwards. It wasn't far to Cal's flat, but his feet were barely moving and still his quiet but heavy sobs hurt his chest.

He arrived at Cal's door and rested his head against it, feeling exhausted, but he managed to stand up straight and feel in his pocket for his key.

Once the door was unlocked, he tottered into the flat and leaned against the door, feeling it click back into position. "Cal?" he said weakly.

His brother came towards him. For a moment, there was concern in his face, but then it was replaced by a twisting sneer. "Get out."

Ethan's sobs rose in volume and pitch. He collapsed to his knees, flinging his glasses aside and burying his face in his hands .

"Out!" said Cal sharply.

"My baby's got the gene!" howled Ethan.

Cal's voice softened just slightly. "I'm sorry about that, Ethan. It's tough on you and… her. But… you know what you did."

"And Alicia… aborted it!" Ethan was almost screaming now.

Cal said nothing. But he made no further move towards the door.

Another voice spoke. A woman. "Cal, what's going on?"

There was a pause, then came Cal's decisive voice. "Sorry, baby. You're going to have to go."

"What? What are you… let go of me. Who is this?"

"He's my little brother," said Cal, his voice ringing through the flat. "And he needs me."


	19. Chapter 19

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , it wasn't Taylor - it was just a random woman, though the way he feels now, there's a chance Cal wouldn't have noticed if it was Taylor! It is horrible for all of them. They've lost at least one person they love. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Cal is going to be there for Ethan too. I'm not sure Ethan could manage without him now.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Cal asked her to leave too. I think if Cal had ignored Ethan now, there wouldn't have been any hope for their relationship, but some things are bigger than Cal's feeling of betrayal.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you can see some hope as I don't think any of the characters can! It's good that neither Ethan nor Alicia is alone, though that doesn't mean it will be easy for the person comforting them. I'm not sure how I'm going to end the story yet. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad Ethan's devastation is convincing - luckily, it's outside my experience. They have got a long road ahead of them. Cal loves Ethan too much to make him fend for himself now, but Ethan still stole his girlfriend. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **ForeverFabray** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Louise stared in Alicia in disbelief. "No… you didn't. You couldn't."

Alicia nodded as more tears poured down her face.

"I don't believe I'm hearing this," said Louise. Her eyes were wide with horror and her lip was trembling. "At least tell me you and Ethan decided this together."

"No," whispered Alicia.

"So… you went off and aborted his baby? Without even telling him?"

Alicia buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not me you should be apologising to," said Louise. "Though if you think 'sorry' is really going to cut it…"

"I know I shouldn't have done it," sobbed Alicia.

"No, you shouldn't have!" Louise's voice was shaking. "You're my friend, Alicia. If you and Ethan had decided to abort your baby together, then I would have done my best to respect that and support you both. But to do it behind Ethan's back… he _loves_ you."

"I know," wept Alicia. "I'm a terrible person."

Louise's voice was soft. "Yeah. I'm really starting to think you are."

Alicia gasped, lifting her head from her hands.

"Are you saying you disagree with me?" said Louise. "Are you really saying you think aborting the baby behind Ethan's back is in any way okay?"

Alicia sniffled. "The baby had Huntington's."

Louise's voice softened slightly. "I'm really sorry about that and I can't imagine how you must have been feeling. If Ethan wanted to keep it and you didn't, it must have been difficult. But just disappearing and having an abortion without even telling him… I'm sorry, but that's just wrong."

"I know!" wailed Alicia. "It was an awful thing to do. I love him so much, Louise. Please believe that. And I love our baby. And I…" She cried out in pain. "Louise, please help me! Please!"

"I'm a nurse," said Louise flatly. "It's my job to help you. How long ago did you… did it happen?"

* * *

Cal shut the door behind the woman and sat on the floor beside Ethan. He was curled into a ball facedown on the floor, crying in a way that tore at Cal's heart. Looking at him, he could still feel some of the hurt he'd experienced when he'd discovered Ethan had slept with his girlfriend; the devastation he'd felt when Ethan and Alicia had become an official couple, but that didn't seem important now.

Ethan was suffering in a way no-one should ever have to suffer – and no matter what he'd done, he was still Cal's brother.

Cal reached out towards him, putting a hand on each of Ethan's quaking shoulders and tried not to think of how odd it felt to be offering comfort to the man he'd thought he hated. "Ethan, can you sit up? I know you're hurting, but I need you to sit up for me, okay?"

He thought Ethan might have been trying. He saw an increase in the tension in Ethan's neck; his head lifted just slightly from the floor, but then he collapsed again, his sobs louder now.

Cal stroked Ethan's hair. He'd forgotten how it felt: despite the vast quantities of gel he used (and he always said Cal was the vain one!) Ethan's hair was as soft as it looked. Cal guessed Ethan must be very uncomfortable lying facedown with his glasses on, but then he realised Ethan probably couldn't feel it. He remembered times when he'd gone out and got drunk and woken up to the knowledge of with Ethan and Alicia had done. Mostly, he hadn't even noticed if he had a hangover or not because his heart hurt so much more.

It was probably like that for Ethan now. He wouldn't feel physical pain.

"I'm so sorry, Nibbles," said Cal, tears coming to his own eyes. "I never wanted this to happen. I hope you can believe me. I never, ever wanted you to suffer like this."

Ethan tried to lift his head again, but it was too much. He cried as though he didn't know how to stop.

"I'm here, Ethan," said Cal. "I can't bring your baby back. You probably won't believe me when I say I wish I could. But I'm here and I'll always be here. I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you over the past few months. If I'd been supporting you both, then maybe…" He stopped. This wasn't about him. "I'm just going to roll you over, okay? I'm sure I could pick you up the way you are now, but you'll be more comfortable if… actually, it probably hurts so much, you won't care how I'm carrying you. But I want to do my best for you."

He pushed Ethan gently onto his side and then onto his back. His legs remained curled up to his chest; Cal gently moved his legs so his feet rested on the floor.

"I'm going to pick you up now, Ethan," said Cal, and carefully lifted his brother in his arms. "You're okay. I've got you." Not that Ethan would care if Cal dropped him. Not now.

* * *

Alicia shook her head helplessly as tears cascaded down her cheeks. "There's nothing you can do. It's too late."

"I can still make you comfortable," said Louise.

The sound of her voice made Alicia cry still harder. It had changed. It wasn't the voice of a friend anymore. It was the voice of a nurse: kind and competent, but Alicia was no different from any other patient.

She'd lost her friend…

She'd lost everyone.

"It might be easier if you lie down," said Louise. She stood up and lifted Alicia's feet expertly onto the sofa before helping her lie down. "Did the place where you had it done give you painkillers?"

"No… mine… in my bag," sobbed Alicia.

Louise picked it up from the floor and looked through it. "Here: you might need these," she said in a detached sort of way and passed Alicia a wad of tissues which either Lily or the hospital must have given her. She couldn't remember.

There was a lot she couldn't remember. She knew Lily and Archie had brought her home, but she couldn't remember agreeing to go with them. She thought she'd planned to run away from them, but she was here. She couldn't remember driving to Louise's either, but she must have done because she remembered getting out of the car.

"Here we are," said Louise as she removed Alicia's box of ibuprofen. She glanced at the label, then opened the packet. "Okay, you haven't had any of these, but as you said it's too late, I'm guessing you've been examined in a hospital?"

Alicia nodded into her tissues, but Louise wasn't looking at her.

"Have you?" she said again.

"Yes," sniffled Alicia.

"Did they give you pain relief?" said Louise.

Alicia cried out in pain and wept some more. She felt Louise stroking her arm, but it was impersonal. "I don't know!" she wailed.

Louise sighed, but she spoke gently. "I know it's difficult to think, Alicia, but if you can't tell me, I can't let you have any painkillers. I can't let you risk an overdose."

Alicia wiped her nose and tried to think. "Lily. Ask Lily."

"Okay," said Louise, without bothering to ask how Lily would know. She picked up her phone and made the call, explaining what was happening. "She's in pain and she's throwing up. And she won't stop crying, though I suppose that's understandable in the circumstances… _you're_ telling _me_ to show some compassion? You asked me a question and I answered it. Now, do you mind if I get off the phone and give my patient some pain relief? Thank you!" Louise didn't bother to say goodbye. She turned back to Alicia. "I'll get you a glass of water and we'll see if you can keep them down. And I hope you're wearing a sanitary towel: I don't want you bleeding on my sofa."

"Yes, I am," mumbled Alicia, humiliated. But she knew she deserved this. She'd done a terrible thing. She couldn't blame Louise for hating her.

It was exactly the way she felt about herself.

* * *

Cal hesitated outside the door to Ethan's room, but he hadn't been in there since Ethan's departure. It would probably be dusty, which Ethan would hate (not that he'd care now, but Cal felt like he had to respect what Ethan would normally like and dislike) and there might not be any bedclothes; it seemed unlikely Ethan would have left them. Cal carried Ethan into his own bedroom instead and sat down on the bed with Ethan half on his lap.

"I've got you, Ethan. I've got you. I'm right here," said Cal, but he knew it wouldn't help. Ethan wanted his baby. Not the guy who had ignored him and pushed him away for months. He removed Ethan's glasses and put them safely on the bedside table. If Ethan wanted to hide his face in the duvet or eventually dry his tears, at least his glasses wouldn't be in the way.

He was shocked when Ethan buried his face in his chest. Cal hadn't expected to be hugged by Ethan ever again. It was such an unusual occurrence even when they were getting on. But Ethan was wrapping his arms around him and holding on tightly, as though he needed Cal more than anything.

Once the shock had faded, Cal felt gratitude: sharp, almost painful gratitude that brought him almost close to tears. Ethan had accepted his support. Perhaps he would have held on to anyone, but that didn't matter to Cal now. Ethan was letting Cal hold him.

"I'm sorry for the way I've treated you," Cal murmured as he stroked Ethan's hair. "I was sad to lose Alicia, but it wasn't your fault. You fell in love; it was out of your control. Maybe you did things in slightly the wrong order, but who thinks clearly when they're in love? I know I don't. I stole your inheritance when I fell in love; you stole my girlfriend. Love makes us do things we'd never usually consider: that's how powerful it can be. But there's more than one kind of love. Love for a woman doesn't usually last. But my love for my brother…"

There was no break in Ethan's sobbing, but his arms tightened around Cal.

"It's not going to be easy," said Cal. "We've hurt each other and we're not going to forget that just because you need me now. But I love you, Ethan, I'm never going to forget it again."


	20. Chapter 20

**WARNING: This chapter contains references to the physical process of abortion. There is no description of the actual event, but there's an explanation of what happens, followed by a scenes that imply it has happened. Please don't read if you think this is likely to upset you. It's only referred to in the Alicia scenes.**

 **Bonnie Sveen Fann** , I agree Cal's love for Ethan is unconditional - he had a hard time forgiving him, but I'm sure he loved him all the time or it wouldn't have hurt him so much. And he's always there if someone hurts his little brother. It will be difficult for Ethan to forgive Alicia. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I hoped everyone would be happy to see Cal supporting Ethan! It's been a long time coming in this story, but it was always going to happen. I thought considering Louise' personality - and the fact Cal is so supportive of Ethan - she shouldn't be instantly understanding. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you like the way Cal is supporting Ethan. I'm sure Ethan would do the same for Cal if their positions were reversed!

 **Tanith Panic** , Sensitive Cal is the best! In some ways, I wanted him to forgive Ethan everything, it wouldn't be realistic, or at least not yet. I'm afraid tragedy can't be avoided entirely considering Alicia's decision, but there is some hope for the brothers' relationship at least! Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you like the story. I haven't seen the trailer as I don't like spoilers, but the main reason I'm not sure about writing a story about Lily getting run over is because I've already written one - it's called All Square and it happens in Chapter 33, if you'd rather not read the whole thing.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm afraid Ethan doesn't do much talking in this chapter, but he's getting towards finding the words to talk about it. I agree - for me, Alicia's mistake was in not telling Ethan she wanted to have an abortion. I'm really glad the story isn't coming across as: 'Alicia had an abortion so she is a bad person' - I really didn't want the story to be seen in that way.

* * *

At last, the tears stopped. Ethan thought he must simply have run out because he felt just the same. Lost. Hurting. Broken in two.

He kept his face against Cal's chest. He didn't want to move. He thought he might feel even worse if he moved.

He felt Cal stroking his hair. Cal was holding him firmly but loosely. If Ethan wanted to break away, he could. But if he didn't, Cal wasn't going to let go.

Ethan felt another wave of emotion and he thought he was going to burst into tears again, but for a different reason this time. He hadn't consciously decided to come to Cal. It had happened because it was the right thing; the only thing he could do. He'd needed his brother, but he'd had no reason to assume his brother would respond to him this time. He'd still betrayed Cal.

But Ethan had still come here and he knew that even though he'd done a lot of things that were wrong, he'd done the right thing in running to his brother. Cal's reaction had shown that.

Some things were so soul-destroying, even betrayal didn't matter anymore.

Ethan lifted his head and looked into his brother's face. Amidst the pain of losing his baby, there were other emotions too. Gratitude, of course. Love for his brother, without question. But he was also confused. He'd hurt Cal so much, but Cal was still here for him.

Cal looked back at him, a question in his eyes. There was concern too, but no anger or sadness. Their eyes locked and Ethan found, to his surprise, that looking at Cal made him feel safer. It made everything else seem a bit further away.

But he couldn't look at Cal forever.

He lowered his head, breaking the gaze, and saw Cal moving; leaning over towards the bedside table. He handed Ethan a tissue, then he rested his arm along the top of the pillows and patted the space beside him.

Ethan peered at him over his tissue. Cal's meaning was clear. Ethan hesitated, knowing he didn't deserve it, but a moment later, he was sitting beside Cal. Cal's arm went around him firmly and his other hand stroked Ethan's arm.

It didn't make sense.

But it also made perfect sense. They were meant to be together like this. Meant to be able to go to each other when something was wrong. And despite everything that had gone wrong between them, they almost always had.

Ethan finished drying his tears. He screwed up his tissue into a ball and put it on his lap.

Cal picked it up and threw it in the general direction of the waste paper basket. It missed by about two feet. He probably could have got them in if he'd bothered to aim properly, but he never did.

It was something Ethan always used to find annoying, but now, it was reassuring. It showed that Cal was still Cal; that Ethan hadn't destroyed him completely, or not beyond repair.

Ethan rested his head on Cal's shoulder and closed his eyes. He knew more tears would come. Lots more. He knew there would be more pain; more sadness; that every time Cal gave him a reason to feel not completely hopeless, the memory of what had happened would return.

But he wasn't alone anymore. He had Cal.

His brother had come back to him. Despite everything.

He felt Cal moving. A moment later, Cal's lips touched the top of his head.

Ethan's eyes filled with tears again. But not completely because of sadness.

* * *

 _Don't look down…_

Alicia had known even before the nurse at the centre had told her. After abortion, the foetus was often passed into the toilet.

Even if it didn't look like a baby, she would recognise it as looking like a foetus. Alicia had scanned women in the early stages of pregnancy as part of her work in the emergency department. At medical school, she'd studied various branches of medicine. She'd always loved babies and children and she'd been pleased when her rotation before Holby had been in paediatric emergency medicine. She'd dreamed of becoming a mother, one day.

She'd thought she'd be good at it. She'd actually believed she was suited to motherhood. As it turned out, she wasn't even suited to pregnancy. She'd fallen at the first hurdle. Even her dad had managed to have a baby the usual way and he was gay.

But not Alicia. She'd never be a mother.

 _Don't look down…_

It was too soon anyway, she told herself. It was likely to take four or five days altogether. In some cases it took two weeks. So even if she did look down, there would be nothing to see.

Why would she want to look into a toilet anyway?

Alicia looked down.

She screamed.

* * *

Cal carried the tray into the bedroom. He rested it on a chair and picked up one plate. The food had been cut up into tiny, Nibbles-sized bites. As he'd done it, it had occurred to Cal that one day, he'd have to cut up all Ethan's food and feed it to him. The realisation had nearly stopped Cal from cutting up Ethan's food now. He didn't want Ethan to suffer any indignity before he had to.

But then he remembered how broken his little brother was. He wouldn't want to eat. He wouldn't want to do anything but hold on to Cal and cry. As far as Cal was concerned, he could do that all night, but he needed to stay healthy. Ethan probably felt nothing could make his situation worse, but inadequate nutrition could. At least, Cal wasn't prepared to take the risk.

Cal put the plate on Ethan's lap. Ethan looked up and met Cal's eyes. He didn't say anything, but Cal could see he was feeling as much gratitude as he was capable of when his heart; his whole life had been torn in two.

Cal smiled. He couldn't feel happy, but he did feel affection for Ethan, untempered by anger and hurt as it had been for months. Nothing would ever change what Ethan had done, but right now, it didn't seem to matter.

He squeezed Ethan's shoulder and climbed onto the bed.

The food slid around on Cal's plate and Ethan reached out a hand automatically to steady it. Cal didn't think they'd eaten together in bed that often (on most occasions, it would have been far too weird), but the gesture was at the same time so familiar: Ethan reaching out to stop Cal from making a mess.

Cal settled on the bed and Ethan withdrew his hand. Cal planted another impulsive kiss on Ethan's blond head. He felt some of the tension drain from Ethan's shoulders and he rested his head against Cal's for a moment.

"I love you," whispered Ethan.

Cal felt his eyes fill with tears. It would be wrong to say he'd longed to hear Ethan say that, but he had longed to know it was true. For months, he hadn't been able to believe it. How could Ethan have done it if he loved Cal?

But now, Cal believed it.

He stroked Ethan's hand. "I love you too, Nibbles."

* * *

Alicia screamed and kept on screaming. Her throat hurt; everything hurt.

She wondered how much pain had baby had felt; if it had known what Alicia was doing to it.

The bathroom door burst open. "Alicia, what is it?"

Alicia didn't stop screaming. She pointed.

Louise didn't look, but she seemed to know. She wrapped her arms around Alicia and held her head against her shoulder. A few more screams forced their way out of Alicia's mouth, but it was muffled by the material of Louise's top. They became weaker and gradually died away into quiet but relentless sobs.

Louise held her and rocked her and didn't let go.

Alicia didn't know how much time passed. Hours or minutes; she really didn't know. Sometimes she felt pain, though muted now by the painkillers; sometimes she felt only emotional pain. All she knew was that her tears kept falling; the sobs kept coming.

But nothing lasted forever. Nothing.

Alicia lifted her head, her tears still streaming. She looked at Louise, seeking answers she knew no-one could give.

Louise handed her a tissue and stroked her arm.

"Thank you." Alicia's voice was hoarse. She wiped her nose and tried to mop up her tears, though more kept falling. Louise kept stroking her arm.

"Let's go and sit down," said Louise, tilting her head in the direction of the door.

Alicia shook her head. "I want to stay."

Louise looked like she might argue, but then she nodded. She put her arm around Alicia, holding her closer; only letting go when Alicia needed another tissue. Then she wrapped her arm around Alicia again as Alicia sniffled and sobbed and wiped her eyes.

"Shall I…" Louise moved her hand towards the flush.

"No!" gasped Alicia. She tried to speak, but it hurt. Her throat felt rough and dry, but the worst thing was that she had to say the words at all. "No. I… I need to… I need to… say goodbye."

Louise shook her head. "I'm not sure…"

"Please?" begged Alicia.

Louise looked upset, but she nodded and handed over three tissues this time. Alicia knew three wouldn't be enough. A whole box wouldn't be enough. The tears would never stop.

Alicia sank to her knees. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She knew she could never be a mother now. She'd been given the most precious gift of all and this was what she'd done. She'd told herself it was to save the baby the life Ethan had ahead of him, but all she'd done was ensure the child had no life at all.

She was horrible. Selfish. Wicked. She didn't deserve Ethan or a child.

 _I hope there's some way you can have another life, little baby. A better life. The kind of life you deserve. A life without me._


	21. Chapter 21

**westlife4ever80** , I'm sorry you found it hard to read, but thank you for sticking with it and writing a review. It is horrible to think sometimes women have no choice but to go through this. It must be so horrible even if you are doing it by choice - though it probably doesn't always feel like a choice.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm so relieved you liked the chapter and found it moving. I'm glad you felt for all of them too, including Cal - although he's not losing his child, it must be horrible thing to see someone you love go through that.

 **Forever Fabrey** , I think it's okay to feel sad for Alicia. Even though it was her decision, she is suffering very much now and it is hard seeing someone suffer, even if they did make a big contribution to their own suffering. Thank you for your review. I'm so glad you like the story, despite the sadness.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I really am so happy and relieved the chapter turned out okay and that Alicia comes across as being caring. I love the bond between Cal and Ethan too - I just wish they spent a bit less time hating each other, even though Cal has reason to hate Ethan now.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. Yes, I did have a feeling you rather liked Cal and Ethan! It's funny how you can sometimes end up feeling more for a different character. I didn't plan on making Alicia quite so sympathetic, but that's how it turned out. I'm so glad you think I handled this well.

 **InfinityAndOne** , I think Alicia will probably face a lot of negative opinions, but Louise and Lily are doing their best - which is perhaps ironic as they're not known for being the most sympathetic! I wonder how Robyn will react - she came so close to doing the same thing. Thank you for your review.

* * *

They ate in silence. They hadn't spoken since Ethan had stopped crying. Speaking probably seemed like too much for Ethan at the moment. But the silence didn't bother Cal because he felt as though he and Ethan didn't need to speak. They could understand each other. He could see enough of how Ethan was feeling not to have to answer. He knew when Ethan needed a hug. He knew when Ethan was about to cry.

What did it matter how they communicated as long as they could?

And as long as they did.

At last, Ethan stopped eating. He stared at the plate for a moment before placing his knife and fork neatly on the plate. He looked exhausted. To Cal, he seemed both like a vulnerable child and someone much older who had seen too much.

Cal looked at Ethan's plate. He hadn't eaten everything, but perhaps he'd had enough for now. Cal decided there was nothing to gain by pushing him to eat more. "Shall I take your plate, Nibbles?"

Ethan nodded. He tried to smile. "Thank you, Cal. It was lovely," he whispered.

Cal was fairly certain Ethan hadn't tasted a single mouthful, but he was touched by his words all the same. He patted Ethan's arm and moved both their plates onto the floor. Cal wasn't that hungry either.

He put his arm around Ethan again and felt both happy and sad when Ethan rested his head on his shoulder.

"Thank you," whispered Ethan.

Cal knew he meant for being here; for not turning him away when he needed him so badly. "You're my little brother, Ethan. I love you. You could steal every girlfriend I've ever had and that wouldn't change."

Ethan's eyes filled with tears again. "How could she do it, Cal?"

Cal hugged him closer, knowing he wasn't talking about Cal and Alicia. "I don't know, Ethan. I suppose in the end, she wasn't strong enough."

"I can understand that," said Ethan, as a single tear fell. "It is a lot to deal with and if she'd come to me and said she couldn't cope… well, I don't know what I would have said, but I would have listened." His eyes filled. "But she didn't even tell me, Cal!"

"I know." Cal pulled Ethan into his arms. "I don't suppose she wanted to hurt you, any more than you and Alicia wanted to hurt me. Or any more than I wanted to hurt you on far too many occasions to count. But she should have discussed it with you."

"I wish she had," said Ethan. "But what would she have said? And what would I have said?" Ethan's voice broke. "Oh, Cal, why did this have to happen? Why did my baby have to have it? Why did I?" Cal felt Ethan's shoulders shaking. "What am I going to do?"

Cal held Ethan tightly and wished he had an answer. But the truth was there probably wasn't an answer. "I don't know what you'll do, Ethan. You need time… But whatever you do, you won't be doing it alone. I'm here. I might not be able to do much. I might not be able to do anything. But I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

Alicia was sitting beside Louise on the sofa, holding a cold mug of tea. "So what now?"

"I don't know," said Louise, but her voice was sympathetic. "That's really for you to decide, but I'm here, okay?"

"What will everyone say?"

"It's a difficult one," said Louise. "Abortion always brings out strong feelings. We've got to be neutral about it at work, but it's complicated and it's always different when it's a friend."

"They'll think I should have told Ethan. And they're right. But how do you tell someone that? And what do you do if you can't agree?" Alicia fought back tears. "Will they say it was my decision because I was carrying the baby? Or will they think I should have gone through with the pregnancy on the grounds that Ethan feels able to bring the child up?"

"There's probably not one right answer," said Louise. "Every couple is different. All you can do is discuss it and see what happens. Maybe, knowing Ethan wanted the baby so badly would have given you the strength to feel you could do this after all."

Alicia looked away.

"Or maybe Ethan would have agreed with you that he couldn't give his child the life he was going to have," said Louise. "We don't know what would have happened."

"Because I didn't ask," whispered Alicia.

"It's even possible he'd already come to the same conclusion," said Louise. "No-one knows better than Ethan what it's like living with something like this hanging over you. But..." Louise paused and looked apologetically at Alicia. "You didn't give him the chance to say how he felt."

Alicia put her cup down and buried her face in her hands.

"A lot of people won't get as far as thinking about that," said Louise. "They'll get their minds stuck on the abortion issue. But wherever you stand on that… you didn't ask him, Alicia. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. But it's something you'll have to deal with. With other people and in your head."

Alicia said nothing.

"They might get over it," said Louise. "Everyone was angry when Zoe cheated on Max, but it didn't take long before she was accepted again by most people. But someone like Lily… we just couldn't forgive her for what she did to you. After a few months, things did settle down a little bit, but she's never really been one of us. It still sticks in our minds. Lily and Ethan used to be really close, but not now."

"Lily was really kind to me," said Alicia. "And she and Ethan have been closer recently. She's been supporting him. She really cares about him, but she still supported me. She was upset when I told her I hadn't told Ethan what I was going to do and she told me if I didn't tell Ethan, she'd tell him herself. But I understand and respect that. If someone else did something like that to Ethan, I think I'd be mad too."

Louise hesitated. "Well… Lily can be a bit interfering sometimes, but I might have done the same in this case. With some things it doesn't matter so much if you tell them straight away or if you wait a while - it does often get worse if you leave it longer, but the situation is basically the same whether you tell them now or tomorrow or next week. But something like this… at least you gave Ethan the chance to be there for your baby at the end."

"But who can blame him for not taking it when that would have meant spending time with me?" said Alicia, her eyes full of tears.

"I do see where he's coming from," admitted Louise. "But even though I'm a bit funny with abortion, I do see where you're coming from too. I can't imagine how it would feel being in your situation. You can't really judge. Though that won't stop people."

"No," agreed Alicia softly. "It won't."

* * *

"So… um… how do you feel about Alicia now?" asked Cal diffidently.

Ethan wasn't sure why Cal would need to know that, but even if he did want to answer, he didn't know what he would have said. There were so many feelings, fighting inside him. He loved Alicia. He hated her. He was angry with her. He was angry with himself. He was shocked by what she'd done. He understood it completely. He felt guilty for what he'd done. He felt betrayed by what Alicia had done. He didn't know how they could possibly move forward from this. He could hardly bear the thought of living without her.

Ethan shook his head. A part of him still believed it couldn't be true. This was Alicia and this was their baby. She wouldn't. She couldn't.

But she had.

"Ethan?" said Cal.

Ethan turned to look at him. While Cal's question had made no sense to him, he had the impression it was important. He cuddled closer to Cal and tried to answer his question. "I don't know. I'm devastated. Angry. Shocked. I also don't believe it. I'm half-expecting her to say it's all a joke – it's a horrible joke to play and I don't know how I'd deal with that, but at least if it's a joke, then I've still got a baby."

Ethan felt Cal's chest rise and fall in a slow sigh. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm sorry for what's happened. You know I mean that, don't you? You know I didn't want this to happen; you know I'm not even the tiniest bit happy?"

"I know," said Ethan, and as he said it, he realised it was true.

He knew his brother. He knew the many bad things he was capable of – but he knew the many good things he was capable of too.

Cal felt no happiness about what had happened to Ethan and Alicia. None at all.

He would rather see them living together happily than see Ethan going through this.

Ethan's arms tightened around Cal in love and gratitude. He was so lucky to have Cal.

"There… there is just one thing," said Cal slowly; reluctantly. "I know this might upset you and that's the last thing I want, but if I don't bring it up now…"

Ethan's heartrate sped up. He looked at Cal, afraid of what he might say.

"Ethan…" Cal moved so he could see Ethan's face. Cal's own face was sad. He kept one arm around Ethan and held tightly to Ethan's other hand. "I know I'm going to say this wrong. I know I'm going to hurt you and I really don't want that. But it's got to be said. Alicia's losing your baby. However it occurred that fact is still true and whatever you feel about Alicia, I know you love your baby. So if you want to say goodbye to him or her, in whatever way you want to…"

Ethan started to shake. His eyes blurred with tears. He hadn't even considered it before, but he knew Cal was right. He hadn't said goodbye to his baby and perhaps this would be his last chance. He gripped tightly to Cal's hand. "Yes. Yes. I want to. I've got to. Please… go with me?"

"Of course I will," said Cal.


	22. Chapter 22

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Cal is going with Ethan too - he really does need his support and I don't think he'd cope without Cal. It will be so difficult for Ethan even with Cal there.

 **Tanith Panic** , yes, I think Cal and Ethan being brothers again is the only happy thing about this story! It will be difficult for Cal to trust Ethan again, though I can't see Ethan making the same mistake twice. Even once was ridiculously out of character. But it happened once and Cal won't forget it. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. Unfortunately, it probably needed something big for Cal to let go of his hurt and start supporting Ethan. It will be difficult to resolve everything and I'm not completely sure how I'm going to do it yet! I don't want it to be completely unrealistic.

* * *

"When should I tell everyone?" asked Alicia.

Louise hesitated. "I can't really tell you that, Alicia. But what I do think – and I know this is difficult – you need to discuss it with Ethan."

A tear ran down Alicia's cheek. "Ethan won't want to talk to me."

"You don't know that," said Louise. "But even if he doesn't, he might want a say in this, so you can have a sort of go-between. I'm happy to do that if you want me to."

Alicia wasn't sure. She was grateful for Louise's offer, but she was afraid she might lose Louise's support if she saw how upset Ethan was.

"Or maybe Lily?" suggested Louise. "She cares about you both, but she's usually very good at staying detached."

"Maybe Lily would be a good person," said Alicia in a low voice, but the truth was she couldn't imagine talking to Ethan about it, even with a go-between. He would have so many questions and reproaches and he'd be right to, but Alicia had no idea what she could say.

Louise stroked her arm. "You don't have to decide straight away. How's the pain now?"

"It hurts," admitted Alicia. "But not badly. I kind of feel like it should hurt worse. I deserve to be in pain."

"Alicia, you mustn't think about it like that," said Louise. "If you do deserve pain, which you don't, you've already got so much emotional pain. So if you've got any thoughts about not taking any more painkillers to punish yourself, you can forget about that right now. That would be really stupid and you've honestly got enough to deal with."

Alicia looked at her with a mixture of gratitude and confusion. "Why are you being so kind to me?"

Louise didn't answer for a moment. Perhaps it was a mystery to her too. "Because you're my friend, Alicia. It doesn't matter if I agree with what you've done or the way you did it. You're my friend and you're going through something terrible which isn't completely your fault – finding out your baby had the Huntington's gene would send anyone a little bit crazy. You're my friend and you're really suffering and no-one should ever have to suffer alone."

* * *

Ethan sat in the car while Cal went to find out if Alicia was still in their flat. He knew he'd have to get out of the car if Alicia was there, but he didn't think she would be and there seemed little point in moving. He felt tears sliding down his cheeks but didn't wipe them away. Perhaps if he ceased to move, he would cease to exist.

After a short while, Cal returned to the car. He opened the door and climbed in, his expression even more concerned when he saw Ethan. "Come here, Nibbles."

Ethan threw his arms around him and sobbed. "She's not there, is she?"

"No, but I'm sure we can find her," said Cal reassuringly. "I'll give her a call." He held Ethan for a bit longer, then let go and got out his phone.

Ethan wasn't surprised to discover Alicia's phone was switched off. "We won't find her, will we?" he wept. "She might not even still be in Holby. I'll never be able to say goodbye to my baby."

Cal stroked his shoulder. "Don't give up yet, Ethan. She might have left Holby, but considering what she's going through, maybe she would go to a friend this time. I'll try Louise."

He found Louise's number in his phone.

"Is hers switched off too?" said Ethan, when Cal lowered the phone from his ear.

"She rejected the call," said Cal.

Ethan sighed. "There's nothing we can do then."

Cal looked surprised. "Actually, Louise has told us everything we need to know. She doesn't usually reject my calls – and I don't know why she'd suddenly start unless my brother's fiancée told her not to."

"Ex-fiancée," said Ethan softly.

Cal's face dropped. "Ex?"

Ethan frowned, confused. "I don't think we actually discussed it. But…"

"Don't think about it now," said Cal quickly. "I mean, if you want to talk about it then that's fine, but you don't have to." Cal hesitated, then spoke tentatively. "So, do you want to go over to Louise's?"

Ethan nodded. It was the best idea they had.

"Okay," said Cal, patting Ethan's shoulder.

* * *

Alicia was trying to breathe through the pain when they heard the knock on the door.

"I'll ignore it," said Louise. "It's probably just someone trying to sell something."

Alicia didn't want Louise to leave her. The pain was abating now, but she knew it would be back.

But on the other hand, the knock on the door might be important. Alicia and Ethan were often consulted when their neighbours had both mild and serious injuries and she knew that was the case for a lot of people who worked at the ED. If it wasn't important, Louise was very capable of getting rid of them in less than twenty seconds.

"You should answer it," said Alicia, dabbing her eyes. "I'll be fine for a bit."

Louise looked doubtful, but she nodded. "Okay. I'll be as quick as I can. But call me if you need me, yeah?"

* * *

Louise stared at Cal and Ethan. "What do you want?" she asked, quite politely for Louise.

Ethan found he could say nothing and looked at Cal for help.

Cal put his arm around him. "We'd like to see Alicia, please."

Louise hesitated. "What makes you think she's here?"

"A few things," said Cal. "Including the fact you haven't told us she isn't."

Louise's eyes flashed and Ethan spoke quickly before an argument could start. "Louise, I can understand if Alicia doesn't want to speak to us and if you want to be loyal to her, I do understand. But this is important. I don't need to stay long. It will only take a few minutes. But if I don't do it now, it'll be too late."

Louise looked at them suspiciously. "Are you going to break up with her or something?"

"No not at all," said Ethan. How could he do that when he didn't even know if they were still together? "It's about the baby."

Louise regarded him in silence, her eyes narrowed. "I don't want you upsetting her."

"Oh, no, that's the last thing I want," said Ethan. He'd done so much to hurt her already.

"And I'll have to ask her first."

"Yes, of course," said Ethan, his heart sinking, though he knew Louise was right.

Louise shut the door. Cal and Ethan looked at each other. Ethan wondered if the door would ever open again, but Louise was back in just a few moments. "Alicia says you can go through."

"Thank you, Louise," said Ethan, managing to smile at her, and went in the direction Louise indicated. Alicia was lying curled up on the sofa, a bowl on the floor beside her. Ethan looked at her and so many words and emotions filled his mind, but all he could come out with was: "Hey."

"Hey," said Alicia, looking up at him. Her eyes and nose were red. She looked beautiful.

"May I sit down?" asked Ethan, not wanting to stand over her. She nodded faintly and he went over to an armchair, dragging it closer to Alicia. He sat down. "Um…"

"Yes?" said Alicia, her voice shaking.

"I didn't want to bother you," said Ethan. "You're going through so much. But… we're on a time limit and I didn't want to miss my chance."

Alicia looked at him blankly. "Time limit?"

Ethan's eyes dropped to Alicia's stomach. "Our baby, Alicia."

Alicia's eyes widened and filled with tears. She looked lost and helpless.

"I understand if you don't want me to," said Ethan, ignoring the sharp pain which was probably nothing in comparison with the pain Alicia was feeling. "But I'd really like to say goodbye to our baby."

"Goodbye?" echoed Alicia. She looked almost frightened now.

"Yes. I'm sorry. It probably does sound really odd," said Ethan. "I'd just like to tell our baby – I'm so sorry if this upsets you - how much I love them and how much I will always love them. And I'd like to… to touch our baby if I may."

Alicia just stared at him, tears welling in her eyes.

"But it's all right if you don't want me to," said Ethan, his heart aching. "I do understand. I know it will be difficult for you. I know everything is difficult for you already. I hope you can believe I don't want to make things worse."

"But… the baby…"

"What?" said Ethan, his heart beating faster.

Alicia looked at him. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at him again. Then she slowly sat up, stretching her legs out on the sofa. "Okay, Ethan," she whispered, more tears falling. "You can say goodbye."

Ethan stood up and pushed the chair aside. He knelt beside the sofa and put his hands on Alicia's stomach. "Hello, my sweetheart. It's Daddy and I love you so much. I loved you as soon as I knew about you and I'm going to keep loving you forever. It doesn't matter that I won't meet you for a long time: you're still my baby and part of me and part of my life. I am so, so sorry for what I did to you. I wish there's some way I could have taken the gene away; some way you could have lived with us and been happy, but all I can do is love you and remember you and believe me, I will always do both. I doubt I'll have any other children, but even if I do, you will always be my first child and I'll love you just as much as the children I get to share my life with. And you won't be alone. My mothers will be there. They're called Matilda and Emilie and I know they'll look after you and love you, just like they looked after and loved Uncle Cal and me. You'll be happy with them. I know you will. They'll take care of you till I'm ready to come and find you and then finally I'll get to hold you and play with you and do all the things I can't do just yet. But you'll always be my baby. Always, no matter what. I love you, my beautiful baby, and I'm so proud to be your dad."


	23. Chapter 23

_I'm sorry for neglecting this story, especially after the last chapter got so many reviews. In case you've forgotten what's going on, Ethan and Alicia were really happy to discover Alicia was pregnant, but then a test revealed that the baby had inherited the Huntington's gene. Alicia tried telling herself and Ethan it would be okay as they loved their baby and there would probably be a cure, but in the end she couldn't bear it and aborted the baby without telling Ethan. Ethan was heartbroken when he found out and Alicia is heartbroken too. Although she knew the foetus had been passed, she didn't tell Ethan that and has just allowed him to say an emotional goodbye to his child._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm really glad Ethan's goodbye speech worked for you. It wasn't very easy to write for all sorts of reasons. Alicia really needs Louise at the moment. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the chapter. It is sad that Ethan had to say goodbye to his child. He'd probably have been even sadder if he'd known it was too late, but hopefully he'll never know that.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad it didn't confuse you for long and that you liked it once you'd finally realised. Louise has been wonderful. It was difficult for her, but she's managed to put her feelings aside, which isn't easy. Thank you for your review.

 **ForeverFabrey** , I'm sorry for breaking your heart! I never know how much to prepare readers for a scene like that. I don't want to give the whole chapter away before anyone's read it, but it is a very upsetting storyline. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I'm sorry the chapter made you cry, though I'm really glad the idea worked and didn't seem too silly. It is sad, but I think it was important for Ethan to have that moment. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **pinkginger** and **vainhedgepig** for the follows and favourite._

* * *

Alicia sat on the sofa, staring ahead of her. She heard the faint murmur of voices, punctuated by soft sobs from Ethan. Alicia felt like crying too, but no tears came. She heard the front door close, then Louise came back into the room.

"I just wanted to do the right thing for once," said Alicia softly.

"And you did," said Louise. "It meant everything to Ethan and he never has to know the truth."

Alicia felt drained and tired. She'd seen Ethan. He'd spoken to her; he'd even touched her.

But he hadn't come to see her. He'd spoken to her almost as he might to a patient. Polite but detached. The only person he'd cared about was his baby… who wasn't even there.

"Everyone makes mistakes," said Louise. "Some people make life-altering mistakes. Ethan, Cal, Lily, Dylan, David, Mrs Beauchamp, Elle, me… it's about how you deal with the mistakes. You told Ethan about the abortion and you let him say goodbye to his child. In the end you were as fair as possible to him."

"But it's too late," said Alicia.

"I can't really say. That's for you and Ethan to decide. You made a terrible mistake. I'm not going to lie to you. But once you'd made it, you probably couldn't have dealt with it in a better way."

Alicia heard the words, but they meant nothing to her. It didn't seem to matter that she was doing the right thing now. Too little, too late. Of course it was too late for her and Ethan. He'd never forgive her.

Perhaps she would never forgive him.

"And now the right thing to do is to make sure Ethan never finds out the truth," said Louise.

"But don't we need to write down when… when…" Alicia couldn't say it. "For the medical records."

Louise shivered slightly. "I'm not sure if they'll ask that. A lot of people wouldn't notice. Sometimes it's too small or…" She stopped. "But if anyone asks, we say it happened maybe in about half an hour's time."

Alicia nodded. Now it was too late, she would do anything for Ethan. "Did you hear what he said?"

Louise nodded. "It was beautiful."

Alicia's eyes filled. "He'd have made such a good dad."

"He is a good dad," said Louise.

"Not anymore." Alicia's tears overflowed. "Oh, Louise, I want him back! I want them both back!"

Louise moved her chair closer and put her arm around Alicia as she started to cry. "You can't be sure you won't get him back."

"Of course I won't! How can he ever take me back after… after… oh, Louise, what have I done? They were the two people I loved more than anyone in the world. They trusted me. They needed me."

"Alicia, don't do this. Don't beat yourself up."

"I hate myself!" Alicia slammed her fist into the back of the sofa. "I wish I was dead, Louise! I deserve to be dead. I should be the one who died, not my baby. How could I have done that?"

Louise caught Alicia's hand before she could punch the sofa again. "You were in a horrible situation. You did what seemed right at the time."

"But it wasn't the right thing!" howled Alicia. "And I've got to live with that forever."

* * *

Cal sat in the car with his arms tightly around Ethan. He wanted to get his brother home – to Cal's home, that was; to Ethan's old home – but he couldn't let go of him yet. He fought back tears of his own as he listened to Ethan's heartrending moans. He knew some of what Ethan was feeling. He'd had to say goodbye to little Matilda: the little girl he'd loved but had no right to see again.

But to lose a child like this, before he'd got to know them; before he'd formed any happy memories…

"I'm here, Ethan," said Cal uselessly. "I'm so sorry. I'll do everything I can."

It didn't seem to help, but Ethan didn't push him away. Cal pressed a kiss into Ethan's hair and kept holding him. It seemed to Cal that hours must have passed, but the sun was still high in the sky. He wondered for a moment if perhaps a whole day could have passed. It seemed like so long ago that he'd brought that girl back to their flat; so long ago since he'd told Ethan to leave.

He would never do that now. Ethan needed him and Cal didn't want to lose his little brother ever again.

At last, Ethan sat up, leaving a damp patch on Cal's shirt that bothered Cal only because of the number of tears that must have caused it. He sat staring at Cal in with a shocked, slightly bewildered look on his face as though he couldn't quite believe everything that was happening was real.

"How do I go on from here?" asked Ethan, sniffing hard. "What do I do, Cal?"

Cal knew he couldn't even begin to answer those questions. He watched as Ethan opened the glove department and got out some tissues, but the dazed look in his eyes suggested he had no idea what he was doing and was working entirely on auto-pilot, his body moving independent of his brain.

Cal wanted to say something; to tell Ethan again that he was here; to tell him how well he'd done with Alicia and how proud he was, but he sensed Ethan didn't want to hear it.

Ethan finished drying his tears, then he slowly turned to face Cal. "It is real, isn't it?"

Cal gulped down a lump of emotion. "Oh, Ethan…"

"I feel it can't be real," said Ethan, his voice tiny. "I love Alicia. She'd never do that. But…"

There was nothing Cal could say. Nothing that would help; nothing he hadn't said a hundred times before. He reached out to hug Ethan again.

"But she did it," said Ethan with tears in his eyes, and this times his sobs were quiet; almost inaudible. Cal held him tightly and felt a few tears of his own escaping, but he kept most of them back.

Cal tried to think of something to say. 'At least you got to say goodbye' seemed so insensitive because Ethan shouldn't have had to say goodbye to his child in this way. Telling him he would have been a great dad would be no comfort to Ethan at all. The truth was there was nothing Cal could say.

At last, Ethan sat up again. "Sorry, Cal," he whispered.

Cal stroked his arm. "I love you, Ethan," he said.

Ethan dabbed his wet cheeks, peering at Cal through short-sighted eyes.. "I love you too, Cal. I know I probably don't seem grateful right now, but I really am. I don't deserve to have your support at all."

"Some things are so important, the past doesn't matter," said Cal. "Me losing my girlfriend… you losing your baby… it doesn't compare."

"You love her," said Ethan.

Cal shook his head. "I _loved_ her. Past tense. Or maybe it wasn't even love. I don't think it would have worked out between us. We got on well enough when we didn't have to talk, but when we did talk, we never had very much to say to each other. We weren't suited and I think I knew that really."

"But I hurt you," said Ethan, his voice full of pain.

"It's nothing I've never done to anyone else," said Cal.

"But not to your brother," said Ethan.

"Oh, come on. I must have stolen girls from right under your nose a hundred times."

"But only girls I'd probably never have found the courage to ask out," said Ethan. "Not girls I was in love with."

Cal shrugged. "Maybe I wasn't in love with Alicia. But it doesn't really matter now, Ethan. It was a long time ago. We've got enough to think about in the present without worrying about the past. You're my brother and I love you."

"I never thought you'd forgive me," whispered Ethan. "I don't deserve to be forgiven."

"The only thing you don't deserve is what you're going through right now," said Cal.

"But it is all my fault," said Ethan. "I should have made sure Alicia fully understood the risks."

"How?" said Cal. "Trust me, Ethan – and believe me, I have a lot of experience of this – you don't get into bed with a girl for the first time and say: 'By the way, I have an incurable genetic disease and if the condom bursts or you forgot one of your pills and you become pregnant, there's a 50% chance I'll pass the disease on to our child.' Talk about a passion killer."

A flicker of a smile passed across Ethan's face. "I suppose you're right."

"But whether you did the right thing or the wrong thing, Ethan, you can't change it," said Cal. "All you can control is what's happening now. You've lost your child and even though it's going to hurt, the best thing you can do now is grieve for them. Beating yourself up about it won't make it any easier. It's not your fault. I'm sure you did everything you could to try to ensure accidents didn't happen – I know my little brother. I'm sure no-one could be more careful than you. You told Alicia you had the condition and you had no reason to assume she wouldn't understand the risks."

"But I must have done something to make Alicia feel she had to do this," said Ethan. "Something I did… something I didn't do… she obviously didn't feel supported enough and that must have been my fault."

Cal shook his head, taking Ethan's hand in his. "Ethan, it's not about blame."

Ethan looked up at him blankly. "But it must have been my fault."

"It was outside your control," said Cal. "It wasn't your fault. What, do you think you should deny yourself love and happiness just because you might pass the Huntington's gene on to your baby?"

"Yes. I think perhaps I should."

Cal stared at him in shock.

"I don't want to pass it on to _anyone_ ," said Ethan. "And I know I'll never love anyone as much as I love Alicia, so I won't be missing out on anything."

"But…" Cal shook his head, trying to process what Ethan was saying. "Are you saying you wouldn't take Alicia back?"

"She aborted my child!" said Ethan. "How could I _ever_ take her back?"


	24. Chapter 24

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan and Alicia aren't coping at all. It is good they both have someone to support them. It would be even more impossible if they were alone. Sadly, in this story, Cal probably wouldn't have forgiven Ethan unless something terrible had happened.

 **Tanith Panic** , the baby did have the Huntington's gene, but a cure could have been found before they started developing symptoms, so it might not have developed the disease. But the test is only given to unborn children if the parents plan to abort the baby if it carries the gene, so Alicia technically followed medical advice. But as you say, it should have been something she and Ethan decided together. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I think Ethan and Alicia would go crazy without Cal and Louise. Making things even a tiny bit less horrible is better than doing nothing. It might make no difference, but at least they tried. It will be difficult for them to see each other again - and it will happen.

* * *

Ethan knew it was too soon. It would always be too soon. To walk the corridors he knew so well; to smile at the patients; to face the looks of sympathy from his colleagues.

To face Alicia.

He wouldn't see Alicia today. She was on leave for another week. She'd needed to take time off to recover physically as well as mentally. Ethan knew Alicia was probably hurting as much as he was. He hadn't betrayed her as she had him, but (whatever Cal said), Ethan must have let her down in some way or Alicia would have confided in him. Whatever they'd done in the end, they'd have done it together.

Now, Ethan would have to go back to the place where he and Alicia had worked together and fallen in love. Even if she wasn't there, all the memories would be.

Cal had urged him to take more time. Even Connie had said he needed to grieve properly. But three weeks had passed and Ethan still felt the same. Desperately, hopelessly sad, and there was an ache deep inside him as though he'd been the one carrying the baby.

And perhaps he had been. He'd carried his child in his heart and he always would.

But just because there was no hope for Ethan, it didn't mean he couldn't help anybody else. There were people in the ED: sad, injured, unwell people who needed a doctor to care for them. Ethan knew that was one thing he could do well and he wanted to do it while he still could. He wouldn't have the long career he'd dreamed of. He wouldn't have the family he'd dreamed of either. But he had to do something.

He wanted something to look back on: to know he'd cared for others when there was nothing he could do for himself. He wanted something he could feel proud of even when his life was a pit of failure from which there was no escape.

* * *

Ethan felt Cal's hand on his arm. Cal looked concerned and questioning. Ethan knew he was silently asking if he wanted to go back home.

And Ethan did. He really did. He wanted to bury his face in Cal's chest as he'd done more times than he could count and cry for his baby.

But he also wanted to move forward. He wanted to do everything he could to prevent other people from losing someone they loved.

He knew Cal had doubts. Cal was afraid it was too much for him; that he would become too involved in the problems of others; that he might see similarities to his own situation where none existed. Ethan knew that was a reasonable concern to have. He knew it wasn't unlikely that he'd do that and he knew he needed to watch out for it and to listen to the advice of his colleagues.

But Ethan had already lost the girl he loved and the baby he loved and – for a few months – the brother he loved too. He wasn't about to lose the job that was part of him. Not until his symptoms dictated that there really was no choice.

"I want to go in," he told Cal, and his voice was firmer and steadier than he could have imagined. He saw surprise in Cal's face, followed by pride. He put his arms around Ethan, almost crushing him with the strength of his love.

"Let's go," said Cal simply.

* * *

The hospital looked familiar and yet different. It took a moment for Ethan to realise he was the one who was different. The thought both comforted him and frightened him: despite his long phase of wanting to be Cal, he now wanted only to be Ethan, but he knew he'd need to be a much stronger Ethan in order to get through what lay before him.

Connie was standing at reception, talking to Noel. Neither was looking in Ethan's direction, but Connie seemed to sense the exact moment of their arrival and turned to face them.

"How does she do that?" said Cal, clearly spooked, as Connie walked towards them.

Ethan would normally have been spooked too, but he knew there were much worse things in life than a scary clinical lead.

Not that she was very scary now. She came over and took his hands in hers. "Ethan, it's good to have you back. Why don't you both come into my office and we'll have a chat."

* * *

It wasn't the usual sort of chat with Connie, which usually involved knocking knees from Ethan and magnificently cutting sarcasm from Connie. Her voice was quiet and empathic as she told Ethan it was always difficult coming back to work after a long absence and all the staff wanted to do whatever they could to make things easier for him. He would be working with Cal to begin with and they were both free to take breaks as and when needed, or to request another doctor if Ethan didn't feel comfortable.

Ethan agreed to everything as he usually did when he was with Connie and then allowed Cal to take him to the staff room. They passed many colleagues on the way. None of them mentioned Alicia or the baby, instead telling Cal and Ethan it was good to see them back, but Ethan could see it in their eyes. There was compassion, of course, but there was also fear. They weren't sure how to speak to him anymore. Ethan wanted to tell them he hadn't changed and he was still Ethan and all he wanted was to get on with helping the patients, but he couldn't find the words and all he could do was try to smile and somehow dredge up a whispered thank you.

Cal finally got him into the staff room. "Are you sure this is a good idea, Ethan?"

"Completely," said Ethan. "I need to do this."

Cal rubbed Ethan's arms. "But you can barely speak."

"I'll be all right with the patients. And you'll be there."

Cal nodded, but he didn't look reassured. "I'll be there, Nibbles. I'll always be there."

Ethan heard his unspoken words and couldn't hate him for it when he had exactly the same fears.

 _But what if it's not enough?_

* * *

"You can take up to two of these every four hours," said Cal. "No more than two, mind, and no more than eight in twenty-four hours. Otherwise you'll have to come back here and see me again."

The female patient laughed as she took the prescription from him. "I think I can cope with seeing you again."

"But I'm not sure I can cope with explaining to my boss why I didn't explain about painkillers properly!" said Cal.

Ethan stood as far away from him as he could, his back against the closed curtain. He'd said little, instead standing in the background as Cal did all the work. It wasn't what he wanted: he cared about the patients and wanted to say everything Cal was saying; to provide them with care and reassurance and be as good a doctor as he always had been.

But he couldn't.

It felt like he was standing at the end of the long tunnel and both the patient and the person Ethan used to be were so far away.

Ethan became aware Cal was helping the patient off the bed and automatically moved aside. Cal pushed the curtain aside and made sure the patient knew how to get out of the ED and then returned to Ethan.

"Come on, Ethan. I think you've had enough for today."

"No!" Ethan had expected this. He wasn't himself and he knew it, but he couldn't leave yet.

Cal put his arms around Ethan, gently stroking his back. Ethan let his face drop onto Cal's shoulder. It felt good to be held by his brother, but the fact he needed it was another sign of how useless he was.

"Ethan, it's going to take time," said Cal. "I know that, right now, just being here is as much as you can handle. You need to get used to things gradually. You're ready to be here, but you're not ready to take the lead with the patients. It's fine. I get that and Mrs Beauchamp will too."

"I'm sorry," said Ethan, tears filling his eyes.

"You don't have to be sorry, Ethan. You need to do this at your own pace. And you don't have to stay for the whole day. Mrs Beauchamp said so. And if she hadn't, I'd have made her say it."

Ethan hugged his brother more tightly. He knew Cal couldn't make Connie do anything, but it meant a lot to Ethan that Cal would dare say such a thing in the ED. Cal said even the cubicle curtains had ears and they had a direct line to Connie.

"Let's go and have a break anyway," said Cal. "We'll see how you feel when you've got a nice cup of coffee inside you."

"Okay." Ethan moved out of Cal's embrace and wiped his eyes. "Thanks, Cal."

* * *

"You did it," said Cal proudly.

Ethan didn't feel proud. He didn't feel anything but exhaustion – and the sadness he believed would always be there. He'd gone to work. He hadn't broken down. He'd managed to talk a little bit to his patients and colleagues.

But there was a long way still to go and he hadn't seen Alicia yet.

"You went back to work," said Cal. "I know how much effort and courage that took."

Ethan looked back on the day and tried to agree with Cal. He'd thought he'd be scared and upset, but he hadn't even really been either. He'd felt a bit like a ghost. There and yet not there. Present but not engaged.

 _I felt like a ghost. Like my baby. I'm present but not engaged to Alicia anymore._

He felt a sharp pain inside him and turned to Cal, who gathered Ethan into his arms.

"It will get easier, Ethan," said Cal. "I promise you."

And despite everything, Ethan knew he was right.

Life would go on. No matter how much a part of him might think there was no life without his baby, his life would go on.

But not for long. For the first time, his Huntington's was a comfort.


	25. Chapter 25

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. i'm glad you liked the chapter, even though it was sad. Ethan really does need Cal at the moment and I think Cal's completely forgiven him for stealing Alicia from him.

 **Tanith Panic** , I don't think you can have too many scenes where Cal comforts Ethan, especially now when it's more common to write scenes where Ethan comforts Cal! I'm so glad you liked this one. Maybe Alicia gets the final say, but she definitely should have talked to Ethan first. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"Are you sure you're ready?" asked Louise gently.

Alicia knew the answer was no. She would never be ready. She had no idea what the othersknew; no idea what they'd guessed. The official line was that Alicia had lost the baby and she and Ethan had split, but Alicia was sure that if that was all they knew, there would have been many more attempts to persuade the two to work things out and get back together.

But there had been very little of that. Very little of anything. Connie had asked everyone to avoid matchmaking and to give Alicia and Ethan the privacy they needed to recover from their loss and perhaps that was what they were doing. But Alicia couldn't help thinking and feeling that they knew; that they had somehow guessed; that Ethan had told them the truth because he needed people around him who cared and didn't want the entire burden to fall on Cal.

Alicia got out of the car slowly She felt leaden; she couldn't imagine moving quickly enough to save someone's life. As they walked towards the ED, she heard voices; the thump of a basketball in the ambulance station, but she couldn't see Iain or Jez and she was glad. If they saw Alicia, they would have the choice of speaking to her or ignoring her and Alicia was too afraid of the latter even to hope for the former.

They walked through the doors. Alicia cast a glance at the crowded waiting room. It was a sight that had once been very familiar to her, but it seemed a long time since she had last treated a patient and she wasn't sure she could remember how.

They wouldn't know what Alicia had done, but Alicia was sure her crime would be etched on her forehead for all to see; that every patient would be filled with fear and loathing. They would hesitate to put their lives in Alicia's hands and she wouldn't blame them. She couldn't even be trusted with her own child.

She felt Louise gently rubbing her arm. "You don't have to do this, babe. If you're not ready, we'll go home."

Alicia shook her head, but she wasn't sure if she was saying that she was ready or she wasn't.

* * *

Connie was standing by reception and Alicia knew immediately that she was waiting for her. She tried to face the clinical lead bravely but couldn't meet her eyes. She began to tremble and Louise put her arm around her.

"Alicia, it's good to see you back," said Connie quietly. "How are you feeling?"

"I… don't know…" Alicia's eyes filled with tears.

"That's understandable," said Connie. "If ever you feel it's too much for you, Alicia, you're free to go home at any time. You've been through a lot, physically and emotionally, and I don't want you to put too much pressure on yourself. It's a long recovery process and there are no short cuts. You'll be working with Dr Chao today: I'm sure Lily will help you to ease in gently."

Alicia hoped she could be forgiven for feeling rather doubtful. Lily had surprised her with her kindness and generosity over the past few weeks, visiting Alicia every few days to see how she was and ask whether she needed anything, but the two doctors did not usually work well together and Alicia wasn't sure she could cope with the strain. "Is Lily really happy doing that?" she asked, and she almost didn't recognise the soft, helpless sound of her voice.

"It was her idea," said Connie. "But she said she understood if you preferred to work with someone else. She's changed a lot, Alicia. As you know, she's always been an excellent doctor, but she's lacked encouragement and support. Her relationship with Archie Grayling has made a real difference to her. He's given her the confidence to show the gentler side of her personality whilst still allowing her to be herself."

Alicia was fairly sure Connie wasn't intending to rebuke her, but she couldn't help remembering the time when she and Lily had first worked together, as mentor and mentee. She'd been so sure that underneath the hard exterior lay a shy girl who needed Alicia to bring her out of herself. And to an extent, she'd been right, but she should never have tried to force Lily into doing things she wasn't comfortable with.

 _I always thought I was a good people person_ , thought Alicia. _I thought I was understanding. Helpful. But I put Lily under stress and broke Ethan's heart. And Cal's too. And then I killed my baby…_

"Okay," said Alicia softly as she tried to blink away more tears. "I'll work with Lily."

"I'm glad," said Connie. "And remember, Alicia, I'm here if you need anything."

* * *

The staff room was deserted. Alicia was glad to reach his sanctuary. She and Louise had seen a number of people they on the way: Noel, Dylan, Jacob. Alicia had frequently socialised with Noel and Jacob, but to her great surprise, it was Dylan who was the kindest. Noel's: "So, you're back then. Great," had seemed to lack enthusiasm and the hard look Jacob had given her had wilted Alicia on the spot. Only Louise's arm around her and her tart: "You can say hello, you know, Jacob," had prevented Alicia from sinking to the floor in despair.

Dylan had merely nodded and said a simple: "Dr Munroe. Nurse Tyler," but his voice was gentle for Dylan and when she'd raised her eyes to meet his, she'd seen no judgement there. He hadn't looked or sounded sympathetic, but Alicia knew at once that he was prepared to work with her and that nothing that had happened would affect their working relationship. She was flooded with gratitude but also with guilt for the unkind things she'd said, both to Dylan's face and behind his back, but there was nothing she could do to change that now other than ensure it didn't happen again.

Alicia and Louise got changed quickly and in silence. It made a change from the days where they had chattered and laughed loudly, gossiping about whatever came into their heads. To Alicia, the day seemed dark yet empty; endless. It felt wrong for her to be here: she had no right to save a life and be regarded as a heroine.

"Are you okay?" asked Louise.

Alicia nodded wordlessly. She wasn't okay. She wasn't ready to go back to work. But she didn't see what else she could do.

"Let me know when you're ready to go," said Louise. "It doesn't matter how long it takes."

Alicia leaned against the locker for a moment, her eyes closed. Even with Louise there, she was terrified. Ethan wasn't working today so there was no chance of seeing him, but eventually she would. She would have to see him and talk to him and work with him.

And see the hatred in his eyes.

 _What am I doing here?_

She didn't know whether to feel relieved or not when Lily entered the staff room. "Alicia. It is good to see you back. As Mrs Beauchamp has probably told you, you will be working with me today, but you may do as much or as little as you like. I know it might take time to adjust and I know I'm not easy to work with, but I will do my best not to put pressure on you. And of course you may leave at any time if you need to."

Alicia felt so grateful, she could have wept, but she didn't because she was afraid Lily wouldn't comfort her.

* * *

A few days later, Alicia was feeling more comfortable. She could cope. She could do her job. She could even work without Lily by her side when necessary. Lily stayed close to her, offering encouragement and support, but for the most part, Alicia worked alone and she could manage alone.

Alicia knew it was a good thing she was coping. It was better for the ED if the doctors could function and do their jobs.

But Alicia _hated_ herself for it.

She cringed as she listened to her bright, cheerful voice giving reassurance to a patient that everything would be okay. What did Alicia know about being okay? She despised herself for being gentle with a frightened teenage girl, knowing she had been far from gentle with her own baby. It was her job and it was what was required of her, but she didn't know how she could have the nerve to behave as though everything was okay; as though _she_ was okay?

Lily had told her she was doing very well. She said it as though it was a good thing, but Alicia knew it wasn't. It was inhuman what she was doing; inhuman the way she was able to carry on as though nothing had happened.

Yet another inhuman act from Alicia Munroe.

She wanted to throw herself to the floor and cry, but that would be that selfish. There were so many people who needed and deserved her colleagues' help more than she did. And her patients needed her: she owed it to the world to keep going, much as the world might despise her for being able to.

Lily appeared at Alicia's elbow - as she always seemed to when Alicia was struggling most - and spoke hesitantly. "Alicia? Would you like to take a break? It is all right."

Alicia fought back tears. "I don't need a break, thank you, Lily."

"It is time to take a break," said Lily, her voice quiet but firm. "I would like to take my break now too We all need to take breaks in order to maintain our maximum levels of efficiency."

The sweet, overeager Alicia she'd been when she'd first arrived at the ED would have hung on to Lily's every word and obeyed with enthusiasm, delighted to be sharing her break with the registrar she so admired. The harder, more thick-skinned Alicia she'd been on her return would have sneered and thought up some flippant response before carrying on with her work.

Now, Alicia just nodded and followed Lily to the staff room. The forced brightness she'd needed to do her job fell away from her and with it her energy. Her head dropped; her arms hung limply by her sides.

They went into the staff room.

Ethan was there.


End file.
